Am I being the selfish one?
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| Wed, 05-17-2006 - 3:39pm |
Hello Everyone!
Basically, I feel I have found the right man for me! I feel lucky to have found him even with the hard journey we have to face with him being gone for a year... I see many people do it, and I wouldn't give him up just because of that fact... I knew it before we started dating, and something told me to give him a chance and get to know him. Boy am I happy I listened!
We've been talking marriage and houses... I have no doubt that we will get married, it's just a question of when. Right now, it's still early in our relationship (we've been dating for close to 6 months), so I don't feel the need to pressure him for an engagement ring (not yet anyway)... :-) I'm trying to let things happen as they are suppose to, and put my faith and hope in God.
Right now, as some of you know from me posting before, I am living with my mom. I moved in with her last May when my roomate moved back to Georgia... I thought it would be a good way to save money and pay off any remaining debt. A very good idea in theory... but in reality my mother is a VERY difficult person to live with... Especially now that I am a grown woman with a 2 1/2 year old son... So my sanity level is at it's breaking point... I've been going through some depression and anxiety because of living with my controlling mother...
I have expressed this to my bf and told him that I am happy that they have a good relationship and get along so well. But.... I told him that I cannot live with her for much longer. He can't seem to understand this... And most people can't, because she is not the same person when other people are around (she worries too much about what other people think to act "crazy")... So I told him that when he leaves in August, I'll probably move closer to work. The way gas prices have skyrocketed it will help me to save some money, of course I would have saved a lot more by staying at home (but my self-esteem and over all well-being will take a nosedive)... It has taken him awhile to support me on my decision...
Okay, here's the recent "problem"... Yesterday, I told him how I found a great apt! But I told him that I don't plan on moving there anytime soon... He asked where is it... I told him it's downtown (which is about 30 min from where we live now, and 10 min from work)... Well then he started pouting... saying I will be so far away from him... and my mom will be upset that I'm moving out... that he wants to live closer to base... when he comes back he wants to buy a house that will be closer to base... and I will be living too far away... I was confused.
I told him, "What do you mean? You'll be in Iraq... Why does it matter where I'm living? I'm moving there for a year, until you get back..." He just nodded his head and pouted again... I tried to make it light and said, "When you buy this house, are you going to buy it by yourself? And live by yourself?" He quickly said, "No! No... I mean I hope not..." "Right," I told him and smiled and added, "So then what are worried about?" I tried to make it light to encourage him to say something....I could tell he wanted to say something, but then we arrived at our destination and our conversation ended...
I'm confused... Do you think he's starting to panic that if I move out on my own I'll find someone else? Does he want me to suffer and be sad at my mom's house because he'll be suffering and sad in Iraq? I WISH HE WOULD TELL ME THE REASON!!! We've talked about this before, and he shuts down just at the point where he's about to tell me something... The only hints he's dropped was telling me "Don't you want to save up for a house?" He won't come out and be more direct about it (maybe because we are not engaged yet), and no matter what I do or say I can't seem to get him to open up... I think he doesn't see why I can't live with my mom and save up money for a house, wedding, etc... He lived with his parents for 4 years after he graduated college... BUT, he doesn't have my MOTHER... and he didn't have a child when he lived at home! I can feel my resentment building up... because I feel like he can't see the pain I go through living at home... I feel like he doesn't care about my sanity or how I feel... Am I being selfish about it? I told him I would try my best to stay as long as I can at home and save money, but that when I'll have had enough then I'm outta there!
Also, if he's worried about me finding someone else... that could happen if I lived with my mother... She watches my son for me.... I would have more freedom to go out at night (not that I want to, or would do that to him), versus if I am living on my own... I'm more limited. I can't just come and go as I please... I see many positives to me living on my own... 1) With the time difference he can call me at all hours. 2) I'll have more privacy to talk to him on my webcam (without my mom barging into my bedroom like I'm some teenager...she doesn't know the term "healthy boundaries" and won't knock) 3) I can keep his cats easier in my own place (my mom is not thrilled about me keeping his cats at her house while he's gone), 4) He'll have somewhere to stay when he comes home for leave, and then when he returns home in August 5) I'll be saner and happier sounding on the phone... etc..etc..etc..
I don't know! Well, I hope to get another light on the subject... maybe someone else out there has been through this...
Thanks for listening...

I think he is thinking of himself and how this move relates to him. He would rather have you safe with your mom because he only sees her as to how he relates to her. Also, going to Iraq is probably dangerous and maybe he worries about that - about what can happen to him and about losing you and worrying about you that you are on your own and so far.
I can understand what it is like to have a worrying controlling mother because mine would be this way too if I let her.
You do have to think of you for now. The point is that neither of you are in a position to marry - he has to finish his tour of duty. And you just have to have more time to date him before you make that commitment.
And quite frankly, if you are living far away he is going to have more of a reason to marry you when he comes back because that gets you closer.
So, I say, don't get distracted with what is right for you in your heart right now. You are the only one who can know what your best interest is - and I know you are very unhappy with your mom and have been for some time. I think you will mature by being out on your own.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Are YOU being selfish? NOPE! There is no way I could live with my parents,especially if I had a child. If your Mom is causing you that much stress, then it is time for you to move out.
If your boyfriend can't understand your point of view and "shuts down" when you try to have an open and honest discussion, that is NOT a good thing. First of all, he is going to be gone for a year. Let me tell you from experience (not to scare you either) that some relationships will make it through deployment to a war zone and some won't. After being on the Dating a Military Man board for 3 years I saw some relationships work out and many did not. Mine didn't, but a couple of my friends are now married to their guy after a year long deployment.
Take a deep breath and think about what is best for YOU and your child. You need to focus and deal with NOW, not what will be in a year from now. Don't let him pout and guilt you into doing something you don't want to do.
Keep us posted and hang in there.
Stephanie
You sound like you know exactly what the right decision is for you and your son, and your plan sounds like a mature and reasonable one.
Diva,
I do not think you're being selfish, you're being the only reasonable one!
Thank you Alison for your feedback!
I agree that it was sweet of him to worry about my well being, and wants us to save together... After much discussion, back and forth, and him hearing my thoughts and my unhappiness living with my mom... He's been MUCH more supportive...
I am totally with what you and others have commented (since you all know what I've gone through with my mother here on the board)... Being separate from her will force another relationship between us... It will never be what I would want it to be, but I have accepted that... I just can't live any longer with the one that it has developped into right now...
I understand what you are saying about the future... I'm doing what I can to remain hopeful, stay in the present moment, and have faith that good things will happen... Right now, I think I am NOT putting my life "on hold"... At least I think so :-) But I am committed to my bf and committed in doing what I can to make our relationship work.. If it does, then it is meant to be... Also, focusing on moving out and saving money has forced me to make a realistic budget pay things off faster, and have a real goal to work towards which gives me good purpose and makes me feel stronger to stand on my own and away from my mother...
What you wrote "If you live your life following someone else's agenda, you're only going to be miserable and resentful." is something I was experiencing the other day... I was thinking about marriage and how I feel like it's out of my control. My bf and I have discussed it, and it's something we both want. He has been very open about it, and his actions and words have shown me he is serious to go in that direction. But, ultimately... it's up to him... (Of course I will make my decision), but he's the one who makes the actual proposal... And thinking about when that will happen, if it will happen, waiting for it to happen...I started feeling miserable and resentful... because I feel like I have no control... I have to be patient, and that is VERY hard for me...
Anyway, I have made the decision to move in August and I am happy with my decision and the location I've selected... He'll be here for 1 week (between us visiting his family, our planned couples vacation)... and I decided that it was more important that I choose the place I want to live for the next year... save money and my sanity... while "house hunting" (as he puts it), for a place for when he comes back home...
Thanks for all your input!
PoolDiva