I have this issue, too. About the "relax"-ing thing. I've been told to relax quite a bit and it is very hard for me to tell when I am right or wrong about reacting sometimes. my mother was very emotional and reactive. So I learned that I do not want to react like she did, to every little thing over-reacting. That is why I have had to pull myself back away from situations before I react. I take time- a few hours or a whole day sometimes- to evaluate the situation without the red fury of my feelings in the way. This has been incredibly valueable in my current relationship. I have been soooo angry at certain things. But if I take time to think before I react I discover that some of the time I am in the worng and some of the time he is in the wrong, but most of the time it is both of us, and taking those hours or minutes or whatever it takes to calm down before addressing usually clarifys things greatly.
LOL, the period comment. My Ex loved to ask that question and it made me mad. As if we must be PMSing , it must be our hormosnes that is the problem! God forbid it could actually be THEM that is the problem, lol!!
"The lesson we learned from this boys and girls is always be prepared, don't get mad get busy and keep money, snacks and a laptop handy!!"
I agree. Just keep on movin' and do something else until he is ready. Maybe have a few things planned to do for you to help alleviate the pressure/expectation that he must spend all of his time with you. At least it was work that he was doing and not golf with his friends. I was talking to my alumni friends this weekend and one of them said her exh would take her car with the baby seats and leave her alone with the twins all day while he played golf - he would leave at 10AM and not come back until 10PM at night - all drunk. Needless to say, that marriage never made it.
One thing I find that helps with getting mad is to try to put yourself in their shoes to understand WHY they did what they did and to understand that men do not require the bonding time that we do and they are usually not as organized or as good as planning ahead - and we cannot change that - we have to work around it and make them respect us and our time, too.
I have a real issue whenever anyone tells me what to do even it is for "my own good" and that I would agree with him/her or if the person has the best of intentions.
If I don't ask then I usually don't want someone to tell me.
I totally agree with the waiting until I react. However, sometimes when they are point blank in my face, it is almost impossible, but I should start really practicing it more. I believe it is only beneficial all around.
I've been holding back posting on this thread because I am trying to take Mark's advice and keep my expectations in line with reality but you nailed what's BUGGING me. "I just don't like RUDE behavior. I might be a total princess, but I just hate being treated wrongly by someone that expects ME to treat them right." I am very calm and rational, if I got any more laid back I'd be comatose LOL. Drama is NOT my thing.But yeah, there's trouble in paradise. M's behavior this weekend just sent me over the edge. So the background is I asked him early last week if he wanted to go to the opera with me. He's only gone once before, claimed to like it, but the schedule hasn't worked for him to be able to go again since. This time it wasn't a full production of a specific opera, it was a unique program of popular arias with some explanation of each opera in between and featuring some up and coming young singers. There were only 2 performances, Sat night and Sun matinee. My season tickets are for the Sun matinee. M agrees to go, and I specifically pointed out it would end around 4:30 so he might miss the kickoff for the super bowl or we could leave early. The superbowl does not involve either of his favorite teams so I think it's no biggie. I tell him to expect to leave his house (I'm driving) no later than 1:30. I get to his house at 1:20 and he's IN THE SHOWER. We finally leave at 1:40. I start driving and M insists I go this other way than I planned. After I turn I ask him why he wants to go this way and he thinks we're going to a completely different theater. Then when we finally get to the parking lot he is telling me to park in some spot. Finally, I have to say that I think he can trust me to know where to park seeing as I've been coming to this place for 13 years. Now we have to run to make it before they close the doors, I'm in heels. I have great seats in the center of the row so we have to now clamber over everyone. As soon as we sit down M says "See, perfect timing" I was so annoyed. I hate, absolutely hate, getting to the theater that late. He then proceeded to fidget and yawn and ask the time repeatedly throughout the performance. As soon as it was intermission he jumps up and says OK let's go now. It was 3:00pm. The Stupor bowl, an event which will be videotaped and replayed ad nauseum for the next week, involving teams he professes to dislike or have zero interest in, and is free is still an hour away. He starts to get the vibe I am not pleased. Then the last straw was when we got to his house he asks if I mind waiting for him to change and giving him a lift over to his friend's house. (mind you I have my kids, he doesn't, so I need to rescue S16 from sitter duty). I lost control of my sacrastic streak and said" Do you have a death wish?" He is now all upset that I am pissed and thinks I renegged on our "deal" to leave at "halftime" Hah! I wanted to scream it is called INTERMISSION football head, but I didn't. I just said it's time to say goodbye.
So Mark is right, we both had expectations that were out of kilter with reality, and I won't ever take M to the opera again, although I appreciate he tried it. But West is also right, men treat us as we teach them to treat us, and I know my part of my disaster marriage was I didn't speak up, I just put up with being treated as if my time was secondary to Dr. I Am God.I am more mad at M than I might otherwise be because of the uber sensitivity I have to that kind of boorish behavior because of how my X treated me. So I am on the fence, acknowledge I feel like spending time with me is some kind of obligation to M, because if he really wanted to be with me he'd have shown the same enthusiasm as he did for going to watch the game, (have fun analyzing that statement, Mark)or just let it all go and have this lingering resentment. Or worse, talk about it with M and have him say I'm just "being female"- ahkkkk!
Sorry for hijacking the thread, but I'm kind of on topic. And OP, I feel your pain.
QB,who will forgive all as soon as she gets some sex LOL
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Well that's good that he seems to have changed his evil ways. LOL.
I have this issue, too. About the "relax"-ing thing. I've been told to relax quite a bit and it is very hard for me to tell when I am right or wrong about reacting sometimes. my mother was very emotional and reactive. So I learned that I do not want to react like she did, to every little thing over-reacting. That is why I have had to pull myself back away from situations before I react. I take time- a few hours or a whole day sometimes- to evaluate the situation without the red fury of my feelings in the way. This has been incredibly valueable in my current relationship. I have been soooo angry at certain things. But if I take time to think before I react I discover that some of the time I am in the worng and some of the time he is in the wrong, but most of the time it is both of us, and taking those hours or minutes or whatever it takes to calm down before addressing usually clarifys things greatly.
LOL, the period comment. My Ex loved to ask that question and it made me mad. As if we must be PMSing , it must be our hormosnes that is the problem! God forbid it could actually be THEM that is the problem, lol!!
when it comes to periods.
"The lesson we learned from this boys and girls is always be prepared, don't get mad get busy and keep money, snacks and a laptop handy!!"
I agree. Just keep on movin' and do something else until he is ready. Maybe have a few things planned to do for you to help alleviate the pressure/expectation that he must spend all of his time with you. At least it was work that he was doing and not golf with his friends. I was talking to my alumni friends this weekend and one of them said her exh would take her car with the baby seats and leave her alone with the twins all day while he played golf - he would leave at 10AM and not come back until 10PM at night - all drunk. Needless to say, that marriage never made it.
One thing I find that helps with getting mad is to try to put yourself in their shoes to understand WHY they did what they did and to understand that men do not require the bonding time that we do and they are usually not as organized or as good as planning ahead - and we cannot change that - we have to work around it and make them respect us and our time, too.
I have a real issue whenever anyone tells me what to do even it is for "my own good" and that I would agree with him/her or if the person has the best of intentions.
If I don't ask then I usually don't want someone to tell me.
I've been holding back posting on this thread because I am trying to take Mark's advice and keep my expectations in line with reality but you nailed what's BUGGING me.
"I just don't like RUDE behavior. I might be a total princess, but I just hate being treated wrongly by someone that expects ME to treat them right."
I am very calm and rational, if I got any more laid back I'd be comatose LOL. Drama is NOT my thing.But yeah, there's trouble in paradise. M's behavior this weekend just sent me over the edge. So the background is I asked him early last week if he wanted to go to the opera with me. He's only gone once before, claimed to like it, but the schedule hasn't worked for him to be able to go again since. This time it wasn't a full production of a specific opera, it was a unique program of popular arias with some explanation of each opera in between and featuring some up and coming young singers. There were only 2 performances, Sat night and Sun matinee. My season tickets are for the Sun matinee. M agrees to go, and I specifically pointed out it would end around 4:30 so he might miss the kickoff for the super bowl or we could leave early. The superbowl does not involve either of his favorite teams so I think it's no biggie. I tell him to expect to leave his house (I'm driving) no later than 1:30. I get to his house at 1:20 and he's IN THE SHOWER. We finally leave at 1:40. I start driving and M insists I go this other way than I planned. After I turn I ask him why he wants to go this way and he thinks we're going to a completely different theater. Then when we finally get to the parking lot he is telling me to park in some spot. Finally, I have to say that I think he can trust me to know where to park seeing as I've been coming to this place for 13 years. Now we have to run to make it before they close the doors, I'm in heels. I have great seats in the center of the row so we have to now clamber over everyone. As soon as we sit down M says "See, perfect timing" I was so annoyed. I hate, absolutely hate, getting to the theater that late. He then proceeded to fidget and yawn and ask the time repeatedly throughout the performance. As soon as it was intermission he jumps up and says OK let's go now. It was 3:00pm. The Stupor bowl, an event which will be videotaped and replayed ad nauseum for the next week, involving teams he professes to dislike or have zero interest in, and is free is still an hour away. He starts to get the vibe I am not pleased. Then the last straw was when we got to his house he asks if I mind waiting for him to change and giving him a lift over to his friend's house. (mind you I have my kids, he doesn't, so I need to rescue S16 from sitter duty). I lost control of my sacrastic streak and said" Do you have a death wish?" He is now all upset that I am pissed and thinks I renegged on our "deal" to leave at "halftime" Hah! I wanted to scream it is called INTERMISSION football head, but I didn't. I just said it's time to say goodbye.
So Mark is right, we both had expectations that were out of kilter with reality, and I won't ever take M to the opera again, although I appreciate he tried it. But West is also right, men treat us as we teach them to treat us, and I know my part of my disaster marriage was I didn't speak up, I just put up with being treated as if my time was secondary to Dr. I Am God.I am more mad at M than I might otherwise be because of the uber sensitivity I have to that kind of boorish behavior because of how my X treated me. So I am on the fence, acknowledge I feel like spending time with me is some kind of obligation to M, because if he really wanted to be with me he'd have shown the same enthusiasm as he did for going to watch the game, (have fun analyzing that statement, Mark)or just let it all go and have this lingering resentment. Or worse, talk about it with M and have him say I'm just "being female"- ahkkkk!
Sorry for hijacking the thread, but I'm kind of on topic. And OP, I feel your pain.
QB,who will forgive all as soon as she gets some sex LOL
Want to shut him up NEXT time he makes that stupid comment? Say "Actually, Im 5 weeks LATE ..."
hehehe
Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!
"(have fun analyzing that statement, Mark)" ---- Good ol' Mark!
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