Am I being too harsh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Am I being too harsh?
7
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 9:36am

Okay, so as some of you might remember, I went out with this guy a couple of weeks ago with friends of his and had a nice time. I have seen him a couple of times since (without the alcohol of that night, so maybe with clearer eyes!) lol.

He is very nice - wants to know what my interests are and pretty obliging with doing things around that. He asks questions about stuff, but then does seem to forget the answer (like he asked "when is your birthday" and it was last week and he said he didn't know because he doesn't remember me ever telling him). That isn't too big of a deal to me unless I saw that it was happening all the time.

The problem is that he acts wimpy and self-deprecating and that drives me crazy and I find it very hard to respect. He talks in this baby voice all the time. He says things like, "I know you don't like me and that I am just a pain to you" (in that baby voice). He told me the other night when we went out for a quick dinner while my daughter was out to dinner with her father that he feels like I don't like him much, but that he jumped at the chance to buy me dinner just so he could spend time with me.

We were driving and he had to try to kiss me at every stoplight, in spite of the fact that I obviously was not into it and found it annoying! (I guess if I was really into him, then I might not mind at all!) :)

I admit, I have become increasingly cold to him because of this self deprecating, baby talk, "poor me" stuff that he does. I have told him that yes, I do like him, so he needs to stop being like that because I don't like that. He continues. I tell him that I like strong men who really voice their opinions and stand by them. I guess it is weird that I would complain about his, but he bends too much for me.

It is almost a chore to see him anymore, and I do it mainly just for something to do and in the hopes that maybe this time he won't be like that, but he drives me crazy! Plus, I am not really attracted to him, but will that change with time? We are not ntellectually on the same page, but it isn't like I need to talk about deep philosophical issues all the time and he does listen when I do get in one of those moods, just doesn't add a lot to the conversation.

I keep thinking that maybe it is nerves on his part since I am not overly warm to him and I know he does like me. I couldn't ask for a kinder person.

So, am I just using him? I don't think I am and don't want to do that, but maybe from the outside looking in that is what I am doing. Am I being too harsh and maybe need to cut him a little slack? Should I just cut my losses and tell him nicely that I don't think this is working out?

Help! He wants to go out tonight!

TIA!! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 2:10pm

It sounds to me like he turns you off instead of on - and there is nothing wrong with that or him - he just may not be a good match for you. I don't think I would find his self esteem problem or annoying kiss at every light so soon when you don't want/are not ready to reciprocate a good thing for me either.

It is your call - you could try one more time or you could say you are busy/not interested right now.

I truly think the best partnerships come from 2 people who respect each other's minds and find each other's company pleasant. I don't think you need a strong amount of attraction but I do think you need a seed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 3:12pm

Yes, he is turning me off with the way he is acting. To be fair, I don't know if I can blame it 100% on him, though. We went out in September and after what was a good time, really, I blew him off out of the blue - told him I didn't want to see him again. Every once in a while after that he would drop me a line to say hi and then I finally asked him if he would like to get together again and here we are.

I guess part of me wonders if his self-deprecation and such is all on him or if part of it is because I push him away because I feel like having a life somehow threatens my life with my daughter, he likes me and I make him nervous because he doesn't know if I will just drop him again out of the blue. Then I wonder if it IS just my issues, why he would put up with it and bend so much and not stand up for himself rather than act so nervous and silly?

I don't know, but we are going to go out tonight after he attends a game (he is a teacher/coach and I said I didn't want to go to the game). I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt while I figure out if I am just looking for an excuse to keep anyone out of my life other than my daughter, or if this really is how he is.

Wish me luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 4:07pm

I do wish you luck.

But one more bit of advice - why don't you be direct/blunt about the way you feel - and then see what he does?

Explain WHY you feel like his presence threatens your relationship with your daughter. Maybe if you hash out your thoughts here about that we can help?

I know that most moms have guilt about leaving their children to go dating. So that is normal. Keep in mind that it is NORMAL for you to have a life outside of being a mom and it is healthy to keep you happy. And the kids adjust and become better people, too.

I think you should be honest with him and see what he says. Maybe your feedback is what he needs to adjust his behavior and that will help you to trust him more and get to know him better?

Keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 5:57pm

The guy sounds way too needy!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 11:42am

I haven't read ahead, and it's been a few days since I've posted, but I think this guy likes you too much for you to continue seeing him. Even if you told him you just wanted to be friends, he'd think he had a chance for there to be more. You have given him enough chances that if a spark were going to develop, it probably would have by now. You don't like the whining, the attraction isn't there, you basically only want to see him because you're bored- it isn't fair to him OR to you.
You can't meet someone you do want to spend time with if you're with someone you don't want to spend time with, and he can't meet the right one for him if he's with the wrong one.

Moody-spending time with the books lately


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 3:28pm
You do not like this guy. You should not see him anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 8:41pm
Sounds to me as if you are just NOT a good match.

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