Am I crazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Am I crazy
9
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 11:11pm

Ok I am sahm with 3 little ones, I am currently going thorough a divorce and so ready for it to be over. My ex has been emotionally gone for a long time and I am ready to connect with someone else. So I set up my profile on Match.com and winked at this guy. He asked me to chat and we started chatting on line. We have talked on the phone once and text message each other daily. Anyway to make a long story short, I think all he is interested in is a booty call, how do I know. I have been married for 13 years I am out of practice. I enjoy the flirting on the computer but everytime we talk it is about sex and that is it. He has told me about himself a little and he has been divorced for 4 years, is he just telling me what I want to hear or could he be interested?

How often should I im him or email him or even text message him. How long should it go before we meet.

I am so confused and now my stbx wants me back and is holding the house over my head. It is a long story and I dont want to go back but he is using the kids and the house against me and sometime I think maybe that i will never find anything any better. I know I have self esteem issues and I am working on that

So my question is how do i know if I am just going to be a booty call and if that is all it is , Is that OK ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: shopgirlmom
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 12:29pm

If all of your conversations revolve around sex, it's a booty call. This is perfectly acceptable if that's all you want, but so fresh out of a relationship, I'd be careful with that since your feelings are likely to get involved.

As far as your self esteem, a booty call isn't going to help that, either. Start doing things for you, that you've wanted to do. Don't worry about finding someone just now- worry about finding yourself.

Good luck, stick around, the women here are wonderful!

Moody, who is pretty much over booty calls


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: shopgirlmom
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 1:40pm

I think it IS going to be a booty call. If all he talks about is sex, then that is all he wants.

HOw are you going to feel if he only calls you when he wants sex. And if after a few times he gets bored and doesn't call again? Because that is usually what happens.

HOnestly, I think with your circumstance you should deal with what you have going on in your own house right now. I do know the pain of a failed and unfulfilling marriage - but dating someone who wants only a booty call is not going to fix that.

Take the time to read the dating board and the online dating board here at iVillage and you will see a lot of women very frustrated with today's dating process. They always say that a guy should be the frosting on a life that is just cake - meaning you are happy and settled and a guy is the extra - he is not the base of it.

Whatever happens, we are here for you - what you are going to go through is not easy and I hope you find a resolve that is best for you.

Hopefully the others will chime in with their own experiences and advise, too.

One more thing - be careful - if your husband is threatening you now with the house and kids, imagine how inflamed he would be with jealousy in there, too. He could be tempted to rage a full blown custody battle and try to take the kids away since he makes more money and is more stable financially.

Maybe you want to talk to a lawyer too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
In reply to: shopgirlmom
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 5:13pm

thank you all for your advice, It really helps for you guys to tell me your experiences. I am going to wait him out and see if I can ge at least a movie out of it. Part of me thinks he is just holding back because he knows my stbx is a little crazy. Anyway I dont know. I want to believe in him but I also wanted to believe in stbx also and that did not work out. I am going to take this slow and see what happens,

do you think that there is anything wrong with flirting on the internet, it does give me a little thrill

thanks so much

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: shopgirlmom
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 7:12pm

If I were you, I would not be dating at this stage in your separation. Most of the online guys are no good. They are trying to get with several women at once. You can guarantee you are not the only woman that guy is chatting with via IM.

Do not compromise your custody and legal situation. Your stbx could make your life truly miserable in court. They throw as much mud as they can and some of that mud sticks even if you're Mother Theresa.

Concentrate on divorce/custody issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: shopgirlmom
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 9:39pm

If you were already divorced with the custody/visitation set, I would say flirt away to your heart's content. I just think that the matter you have at hand has the potential to be such a headache, after going through a pretty friendly divorce myself, that I would fear to say it is okay. I mean at best all you are going to do is provide proof through traceable correspondence to your exh that will make you look bad. And since you are the one who wants the divorce, you are going to have to deal with him that does not - he will be angry and bitter and you have no idea what he will do, never mind if he finds that stuff.

I know you want the attention - I do know how that feels. It is like you are in a minus vacuum for attention after all you have been through. But for now you have to think with your head and not your heart. I had no idea how hard it would be for me to go through a divorce. Although it fixes one problem, it creates a thousand more, some scary and life altering like finances and who gets the kids. And you don't want to do anything to make that process harder or slower if it is what you choose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
In reply to: shopgirlmom
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:57pm

just a little more background info so you guys can know more of the story. My stbx decided when i was pregnant with ds that he wanted a divorce. I said OK moved out with my parents and went on to have him. Well about the time he was born he wanted to come back so I came back. That was 3 years ago and he has left 2 more times. So to make a long story short he decided the beginning of January that he wanted to be divorced, he needed to find himself (HAHA) so by the beginning of February I moved me and the kids out with my parents and have been to the lawyer. he does not want custody of the kids and the only thing he can hold over me is the house. I do have a place to stay and I am not with him so I am happy. I am so tired of the drama, so back to my booty call, confession time i did meet him and we did talk, I am supposed to meet him again tommorow night. I really like this guy but I dont know how long it will last. I think the only reason stbx wants me back is because I may have someone else. I am so confused. I have met with a lawyer and as far as he knows I have done nothing wrong but I sure want to . Anyway just some more insight to my crazy messed up life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: shopgirlmom
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 11:55am

Okay- well then that explains it much better. I am glad you are at your parent's house and that you will get the kids. Hopefully you can sort things out quick and move on.

Just remember that right now you are volatile because of all you have been through. I really sympathize with you - how awful to be pregnant and have all that happen. It sounds like you gave it a true try.

Anyway, I would try to keep it light and casual so you don't add another drama to your life. The one most frustrating thing about OLD is that many guys hit on a girl just for sex. And then after that they disappear - and this can be upsetting. Perhaps he would consider friends first for a while? That will shake out his intentions fast. Some of us are better at flings than others. I know some here can mix flings and casual dating. I always get too attached. So you have to decide what is best for you and what you want.

Good luck - hope this helps - glad you found us. Keep posting!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
In reply to: shopgirlmom
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 12:19pm

Oh well live and learn right. I really liked him and guess what I was wrong. I thought he liked talking to me as much as I did him. Oh well he totally has blown me off and I just really dont get it. Luckily I did not have sex with him that would have made it worse for sure. Oh well live and learn, I guess I should not expect much more he is a man. Cant live with them cant live without them

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: shopgirlmom
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 1:07pm

Auntmeme,

Don't despair. You just have a lot to learn about men and dating. And you will learn a lot here from reading all of our stories and advice.

There are also some good books - like - Venus and Mars on a Date or He's Just Not That Into You.

But basically you have to do 2 things:
1) realize that not every guy wants a relationship - don't get stuck on one - keep it casual and light from the beginning with no expectations and let time tell you
2) nothing - just wait for the right guy who is really into you for you. When they want sex they usually come out with that right away and only focus on that and themselves. When they are into you they are wanting to please you and are concerned

You just have to be an informed dater. And you will!! After all you came to the right place.

You are a nice person, a good mom and someone will love you for who you are. It just takes time to find the right one.