Am I his diamond?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Am I his diamond?
24
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:22am
DJ was my friend for few months then we started dating each other. It's been about 6 months and we get along great, sex is awesome, and we connect emotionally. But I am still not considered his girlfriend. He's 33, never been married and I am 38, divorced with 3 boys, 10, 6, and 3. He's only had 2 serious relationships and they lasted 3-4 years. He says it's hard for him to commit to a relationship because he take it very seriously once he commit. I know we have a strong attraction but I want more than casual dating with great sex... He wants me to date other people if I want but doesn't want me to have sex with other men. He says I am his diamond but if I am, why doesn't he want more with me?

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 5:55am

First of all, "Welcome to our board!" We are a great team here and you'll receive great support from us.

Well, it probably would be best if you gave us a bit more information. How long have you been divorced? Is this your first relationship since, or have you dated previously? Did you take an out time for yourself.

I don't want to come off totally negative, but the way I see it, is, this guy, used your friendship and your trust and turned it around to meet his needs. You seem to be his booty call. Unless you can deal with the fact that this guy, will never make you more than that, get out and head for the hills while you can. I think 6 months is plenty of time to know what a person wants or not. He doesn't want a relationship, he's made that clear. He has another agenda and it's not you. I'm sorry it sounds so harsh, but this guy is playing with your heart. If you WERE his diamond, he wouldn't be treating you like this. You deserve better than this. I can tell you and so can the women on this board, that their are more men in the sea, that can have great sex and a relationship. This guy isn't the one, and he's not the only guy available, but if it's sex your after, then go ahead, but like you said, you want more, so I would just get out while your emotions/heart/head are still intakt. That is just my two cents.

I hope you stick on this board. I would love to hear more about you. Take care and don't ever think you don't deserve better, because you do.

- Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 7:52am

Hi and welcome. Pay attention to what he does, not what he says. Actions speak louder than words. It's easy to say what the other person wants to hear. What does the diamond thing mean anyway? It could mean he thinks you are beautiful, but that doesn't mean he wants the same things you want (or will ever), or that the relationship is worth your time and effort.

You say you don't want casual dating with great sex, but what you've shown him by your actions is that you are okay with that for now. Do you really want to be with someone that tells you it's okay to date other men, but you can only sleep with him? That sounds a little selfish if you ask me. I wouldn't agree to it.

The one set of words I would pay close attention to is that he says it's hard for him to commit. Listen to him and take him seriously. He won't commit. He may say he takes the relationship seriously once he does commit, but that sounds like bs to me. His past relationships were 3-4 years? That is probably about the time (3-4 years into the relationship) when his past girlfriends realized he was never going to want more than a casual relationship and left him, or when they started pressuring too much for marriage and he left them. Don't be his next 4 year relationship unless that is what you want.

It is okay to want committment and to not settle for a relationship that will not provide what you want. I want committment too. I want someone who will be there for me and my dd, be her step-father, take on that responsibility and build a life and a future with me. I want that and I know I will find that.

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 10:32am

Welcome to the board. Glad you found us!!!


Here's my two cents on your situation.


He's controlling you. Saying you are "his diamond" is his own way of dangling just enough of the "you're so special to me" carrot in front of you to keep you around. If you aren't getting what YOU want and need from the relationship, then it doesn't matter how much you like him and how great the sex is. It's a dead end. You cannot allow a man who will NOT commit to you (except on HIS TERMS) to tell you when you can date and whom you can and cannot have sex with.


This is a relationship that will lead to a dead end and the longer you stay in it, the sadder/harder it will be when it ends.


I am sorry but I think for your own self respect you ought to put a stop to the whole thing.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:10pm

I have to agree with what has been said already. I read your post because my BF tells me that he feels like he found a diamond when he met me. But, he treats me that way too. We're exclusive and have been from the beginning.

He's making excuses to not commit to you. He tells you that you can date other people because he really doesn't care. Anything to keep from having to commit to you is fine with him.

You deserve better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:14pm

I agree with fivesense. If he doesn't want a commitment and you do then you are wasting your time.

Next time, negotiate the commitment thing before you have sex. What a wonder that does. Good luck to you - sorry you had to go through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:26pm

Hi, welcome


I don't know what he's thinking, but it sounds like he has a sweet deal here. For the record ANY man I've ever dated didn't want me to have sex with other men. That is just a safety issue these days. As a matter of fact I once dated someone who was seeing several women and didn't want any of them to have sex with any other man.


Do you love him?


If he doesn't want more from you it means just that. He doesn't want more and if he doesn't want what YOU want then I think you should look for someone who does.


Hang around, we'd love to chat with you more.


Candi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:28pm

Judy, would this fit into a "he's just not that into you" category somewhere?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:07pm
yes!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 12:11am
Thank you to all who responded to my question. It's really hard to face the reality sometimes. I think I will hand him my terms of commitment and if he doesn't want it, I will stop seeing him. You're all right. It's not worth it because I deserve better.
Again, thanks to all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 5:12am

Good luck and keep us posted.

You should read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You". It was very enlightening for me.

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