Am I his diamond?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Am I his diamond?
24
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 2:22am
DJ was my friend for few months then we started dating each other. It's been about 6 months and we get along great, sex is awesome, and we connect emotionally. But I am still not considered his girlfriend. He's 33, never been married and I am 38, divorced with 3 boys, 10, 6, and 3. He's only had 2 serious relationships and they lasted 3-4 years. He says it's hard for him to commit to a relationship because he take it very seriously once he commit. I know we have a strong attraction but I want more than casual dating with great sex... He wants me to date other people if I want but doesn't want me to have sex with other men. He says I am his diamond but if I am, why doesn't he want more with me?
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 8:06am
I looked that book up in Amazon and read the reviews. Some pretty nasty one's about it. So, what made it so enlightening for you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 8:36am

Wow - I am surprised you found some nasty reviews. Everyone on these boards has really liked it and it was featured on Oprah.

Basically it says that if a guy does not treat you really well and he is distant or doesn't call then he is just not that into you. It is not because of you it is because of him and how he is wired - don't take it personally and don't keep trying - just move on to find someone who is that into you.

It was a quick read and had some good lessons.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 9:25am

What kind of nasty reviews? I probably would have given it a bad one, too...when I was hanging on to a "he's not that into you" guy and hoping it would change.


I like the book.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 9:36am

Oh, you know the reader reviews. If you go under Amazon you can read the reviews. Some are just REALLY bad reviews.
I know most of "He's not that into me" reasons anyway (but I'll try to get the book for a read). I don't go for the excuses. OK, back up, I go for them Once, if it's a REALLY good excuse for something, twice? I am on full ALERT and the 3rd time? Well, strike out!
No need for it. I have guys pounding down my door. Why? Because I ignore them. I even have one right now that called me crying, because he's so in love with me and I won't give him the time of day.

When, with Ian, I didn't ignore him, because I liked him, but I guess that was to easy for him, because I paid attention to him and I liked him as a person. What he didn't know is: I have no issue dropping him like a hot potatoe. I am not crazy about the guy, I don't love the guy, I was just interested and I liked the guy. I never gave up dating though or my bed buddy. He got wrong signals. To bad for him. Not my problem. He could of asked, but he chooses to ignore me. I can separate feelings very well, but he obviously took something I said wrong and headed for the hills.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 12:03am
It is hard to tell if he's not that into me or not. And he doesn't treat me bad at all. He isn't (and hasn't) seeing anyone since he met me, he calls every day, he feeds me many positive inputs, and he hangs out with me every weekend. My question is, "is commitment over-rated?". Isn't it okay to have a relationship without fully saying "yes, we are exclusive"??? I mean, what if you are committed in your heart with this person but just don't want to label the relationship as this or that? He tells me I am free to leave him any time I find better man. I'm sure he'll do the same. It seems cold and impersonal but wouldn't we do that with or without commitment anyway? What is a committment anyway?
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 6:13am
Sweetie, I can't help you. We gave you advice, in the way that we saw it, your the one in the end that will do what she wants. Your making excuses about it now, so it's obvious, that you like the way things are going and the way it is. You can do a risky thing and actually totally walk away and see how he reacts to it. You'll find out either way if he's really interested or not. But, that's playing games. I personally want someone that is truly INTO me, but I've been the dating thing now for 4yrs and always was ok, with how things were. I'm not anymore, so I just don't settle with just anyone that calls me his diamond. He's gotta give a lot more then that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 10:50am

Your message reminds me of the song "Show Me" by the Cover Girls:

'Cause it's easy to tell me you love me
Easy to say you're thinking of me
Words are so easy to say

Show me, Show me
You really love me
Actions speak louder than words

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:02am

Your question is, is commitment overrated? Well, only if you don't care...that is my opinion.


Is it overrated to want to KNOW someone values you enough to want to keep you? No.


Is it overrated to feel somewhat secure in a relationship? No.


Is it overrated to be "his one and only"? No, definitely not.


I speak from experience. I got out of a relationship before Christmas with someone who was CRAZY about me, a wonderful guy, and once in awhile talked about a "maybe future", but didn't want to make a firm commitment...and I knew he would let me walk without much of a fight. I decided I didn't want to always wonder if HE'D be the one walking first. I want more than that, and I think you do too.


Love yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:17am

I think you are trying to change what you want to justify giving him what he wants. I do this in relationships too. He doesn't want the same thing you want, so you end up questioning your goals instead of standing up for them.

Yes you could still walk away if you are in a committed relationship, but saying you don't even want to make a committment means the relationship will not last, at some point it will end because it was never designed to last.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:20am

Hash,

You've changed your position from your original post. Your first post sounded like you were unhappy that he didn't want more from you. Your most recent one suggests that you're looking to settle for less. Looking to undermine commitment to justify staying with someone who does not want to commit to you.

You need to decide for yourself. If you want a committed relationship, you need to get away from the person you're seeing now. He doesn't want committment.

If you don't want a committed relationship, you can stay with the guy you're with now. Keeping looking around. Test out other guys while you still continue to see the guy who doesn't want commitment. Expect him to sleep around too.