Am I too picky/a doormat/just right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Am I too picky/a doormat/just right?
4
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 10:27am

I'm posting here because I figure that most of you are either divorced, about to be, or have ended a serious relationship.

Anyway, I am divorced and have been dating a guy for 8 months. I love him and he loves me. He's told me before that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I do with him, but don't want to commit to a marraige for a while (divorces are still fresh for both of us) even though he's mentioned the M word several times... even jokingly asked.

I do have some frustrations with this relationship and I have friends on both side of the fence. He is handsome and I have a sexual attraction that is incredible; we can't get enough of each other. He makes me laugh out loud more than I can ever recall, sometimes to the point of tears. He makes me feel safe and secure and loved and I love just hanging out with him. Our kids really love each other.

Now the bad stuff, I guess. He has a 'fiesty' sense of humor; we'll have plans for an hour from now and he'll think it's funny to say, "see you at work tomorrow" or that he's not coming over tonight because he changed his mind.. but he's joking. He also can't make a plan to save his life - when I ask on Tuesday what we should do this weekend, he acts like I'm talking about 2020. I'm anal and organized. This also leads to him breaking plans with me because he's already committed to help a friend move or have dinner with his mom and forgot about them. He also gets moody; for instance, this morning I was on the phone with him when my toddler started screaming in the other room; I told him to hang on, he said what what what and I ended up hanging up on him to deal with her. So he shut his phone off for an hour to pout. I am VERY (there is no debate here) understanding about the above; to the point where I feel like a doormat. My therapist (who I can't afford to see anymore, child support issues) says, though, that I was the 'boss' with my ex and so I need to learn to lean on more people.

Sorry about the book, but I'm trying to figure out... am I being a doormat, picky or what??? TIA!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 10:41am
I think you are being smart. You see lots of good in the relationship but have some questions so you want to wait until you are sure. He sounds nice and the lack of planning is something I could find a way to work around, but the pouting is something I am not sure I could deal with. Take the time and come to your own conclusions, you are doing the right thing IMHO.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 12:28pm

If he can't make plans or likes to play jokes, then I don't think you're in any danger of marrying him anytime soon. Up to this point, he has only joked around about it. It's easy for a man to talk marriage, but it's not what they say that matters. It's what they do. He hasn't bought you a ring.

You have to decide if you like dating him. If you do, then keep dating him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 1:17pm

I think you have to decide if the things that annoy you are "biggies" or "smallies." And proceed accordingly. It doesn't really matter what everyone else says, it matters how you feel. If these things devastate you then you should make a decision not to put up with them. But if you feel you can adapt, communicate and manage them better then it is certainly worth a try. I don't think you are going to change him on those.

But you might be able to communicate that you are both different and then decide how to proceed so it is good for both of you.

For example, you can learn to be a little more "spontaneous" and by the seat of your pants for the weekend if you feel you are getting adequate time and can plan some things in advance. I know a lot of people who tend to be more spontaneous and I have worked hard on myself to be more this way instead of such a control freak. It has helped me sanity a great deal.

With regards to the pouting, I think you can both talk to find out what you are doing that upsets him and see if he is willing to work on not taking things so personally. He has to understand that a toddler needs you right now and a phone call to another adult, while important to him, is a lesser priority at that time.

I think you will learn a lot by bringing these things up at the proper time - meaning not when you are in a fight - and seeing what he says about them. If he is not willing to see them as a problem and help find a solution that is comfortable for both of you then that is a red flag so to speak.

You should try to bring up the issues in a manner that they are something that disturbs you and you should have a solution or ask for his help with a solution. You might want to tackle them one at a time - but that is up to you.

I WOULD NOT blurt them out when you are upset as a way of pointing your finger to him as a troublemaker.

I hope this helps. It is great that he can make you feel so good - I think this one is worth fighting for. Every couple has issues where they annoy each other and the successes are the ones that can find a solution to these every day challenges.

Welcome to our board - I hope you will stay and participate in discussions as you have time.

Keep us posted on your progress!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 3:11pm

Thanks to all of you - and anyone who posts after this note. I appreciate all the input.

First, just to clarify, while he jokingly makes marraige proposals, he is dead serious about the issue happening someday. I am definately the one holding back on that.

Second, you're right... I think I have to just evaluate. We also seem to go through these phases... it's been a long time since I felt this way; but then it seems to come on. I know I'm also antsy b/c he's going out of town on business and I only have two more days to spend with him for the next two weeks and he's acting a little like it's not a big deal, we'll see each other, it's taken care of, where all I want is for him to say "I will spend the next two evenings with you before I leave." He thinks I always know when he's joking and I don't. He was joking around with me this afternoon and at one point I said, 'oh, it's Mr. Fiesty. I don't always like him.' And he said, 'you know I'm joking." and I said, "no, I don't always." That kind of got a hmmmm but that's it.

I'm thinking I may try to talk to him tonight - we're supposed to have a date if SOMETHING DOESN'T COME UP (as it seems to a lot). We'll see.

Thanks again... and any further input is always welome!