Anniversary Date with Shane
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Anniversary Date with Shane
| Wed, 05-16-2007 - 9:38am |
It went well. Very well. We were able to maintain a good conversation, no arguing, not talk of the relationship status. Just us enjoying a good meal and each other. No kids. We exchanged gifts as well and he gave me a new MP3 player. I've always wanted one. I was excited to get that. We agreed to talk about seeing each other again like that. He said he had a good time with me. We joked around some, talked about random things, what is going on in the world, my possible new job, the fact that I MADE THE DEAN'S LIST, and other things. Very pleasant and friendly. Like a first date. I saw how good it could be just talking to him like that and I know it will be nicer for us if we do not talk about the marriage for a little while and just prove to each other we can get along. The marriage is on both of our minds, but to talk about what has not been decided is not a good idea. For now, we can just talk about other things, try to put some stuff behind us, have some peace, and enjoy each other's company on a gradual basis. If it works out that we reconcile, fine, if not, we tried.

I'm glad to hear you both had a nice time.
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Darlin, I know this is very tacking on you. But you are really living a rollercoaster lifestyle. And not a very fun one. If you read your all of your posts, from the last 10 days alone: one second you are ranting and raving, the next second you are back to saying how great he was, then two seconds later on a rant again about how awful Shane is. Then you think you see the light, the next second you don't. One second you are ready to file, the next second you aren't. What I am saying is that you truly need to go back to all of your posts and keep reading them over and over again and realizing the pattern you are creating. It cannot be healthy on your life and definitely not on the perception the children are having of your relationship with Shane. I know I am not posting that much to your threads, because I truly don't know what else to say that I haven't or anyone else has said yet. You are going to have to make a decision for what is best for your children. They are the priority. You still seem to be putting Shane on this pedestal of how reliable he is with taking care of his family, but the reality is my dear, you are only fooling yourself and endangering your childrens best interest and welfare by thinking that Shane will come through. File what needs to be filed and then talk about reconciliation or not or whatever. And please, don't share your thoughts, or threats or anything else with Shane. He is NOT your friend right now and you need to realize that.
I am only saying this, because a lot of us, including myself have been fooled. I am just happy that I have a secure enough job that I was able to stay above water and take care of my children on my own without any support.
Mel
I had some thoughts for you while I was out on my run. I think for now you are on a roller coaster as Cat says. Which is so hard. And rather than make a huge rash move or decision, I think what you need to do is counter what he does. Step by step.
He moves out - you file for separation or divorce - talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. This doesn't mean you have to get divorced - but you do have to protect yourself legally. This is the counterstep to him moving out. It can only be taken away if he moves back in AND keeps working on counseling. I would tell him that. "You move out, I file." "You move back in, I stop the file." Ball is in his court. You are safe.
You should go to counseling as you are doing no matter what - if he goes fine and if not fine. Do you get to go again this week? Because you have to sort out your feelings and find out that what you want and need is indeed real and deserved and attainable - if not by Shane then by the MrRight that we are going to root for you to find!!
Im not sure what the history is with their relationship, but from what other posters have said or alluded to in thier posts to her, apparently it wasnt all wine & roses. & certainly, since I have been here reading the current stuff, its still not.
Lissa, her advice about going back & printing out all your old posts, not JUST from the past 10 days, but from when it started to get bad, is a GREAT idea. Its literally what made me start to make plans to get out of my hellish marriage - reading all i went thru & forgot about!!! Its SO easy, like you are doing now, to live in denial & grasp at any SHARD of decency or kindness you see in him ... when in reality, its not very likely to really mean anything positive long term. You ARE on a roller-coaster ride. & its likely your kids will be as well, & frankly, thats just not fair to them. Seeing it all in B&W will help you to see ... i hope. (((hugs)))
I get what everyone has been saying and believe me, I"m dizzy from the ride. The hurt is still very fresh. I feel all sorts of emotions. One moment I want him, the next, I think it's better to just let go. I do know that I am placing my kids first and am taking excellent care of them and they are very happy and content. Dylan is making straight A's still, he is behaving wonderfully as always, and the same little boy he is always. Emily is growing fast, eating well, and potty training. I am there for them 100% and will never abandon them for Shane and his antics. I adore Shane and I cannot get past that right now no matter what has happened because he gave me a gift of love 4 years ago and I know that is still in him. I don't think he became incapable of loving over the years, he's hurt. He's upset and insulted by my constant accusations of infidelity. I am hurt by him not understanding my insecurities and helping me get past them instead of helping them get worse. No, the relationship has not always been great. It's been horrible many times. Miserable. I have cried more with him than with anyone. Maybe it was unhappiness, maybe it was me loving him so much that it just hurt to know I couldn't allow myself to trust, maybe it was his actions changing when I knew he was different than that and better. I am going to talk to a lawyer. I already have spoken to him over the phone and written up what I expect out of the separation and I will be taking that with me to let him go over it and determine what is fair and what needs to be added or taken out. I am off tomorrow so I am going to see if he can see me. I guess in my mind I am not doing wrong by wanting to try. I know that odds are against us. I know he may never want me to be anything but a fragile little "yes woman" and the little wife. I won't be that. The counseling will help me grow to become the strong woman I need to be and he will either love it or hate it. There will be no in between. I am determined to strengthen my soul and give myself an emotional boost. I do not plan to allow a man to hurt me anymore. I might seem weak now, but don't count me out before I have a chance to blossom.
~Mel~
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On the contrary, I do blame Shane for many things wrong in this marriage. But I take responsibility of my own actions as well and I will not waiver from that. I know what I've done. From day one, I was not ready to be in this relationship but I realized that too late. I was still hurting too much from the affair XH had. But I dove head first into this and I must take responsibility for that. I chose it. I could have refused. He asked me to quit working and let him take care of me and my son. I could have said no. I chose to stay home. I chose to not go out there and find life. It was my choice. It was the wrong choice and I blamed him and then sat back and let my life crumble before my eyes and became dependent all over again which was not what he wanted. He wanted me to go out there and go to school and make friends and have a life like I did before but having the freedom to relax and not work and to get my education because I expressed desire to do so. We could afford it. I didn't do it. He chose to punish me instead of encouraging me to do more. He chose to make me think things that were not true and he takes responsibility for that. We have both apologized, but both have continued to point it all out instead of saying "it's in the past, let's move on." I am learning to be more gentle with how I bring up subjects instead of out and out accusing before I know what happened.
Take the other day, for example...I noticed flowers had been purchased because I checked our bank account for new transactions to record. He had purchased there before for his mom and I called him to ask who the floweres were for the other day. He said his mom. I asked him why this time? It was not her birthday, not Mother's Day and he never just randomly bought flowers. He got upset at me and said "She's gong thru chemo, Melissa. Have you forgotten that?" "She's losing her hair, she's sick, did that fail to cross your mind?" Well the last thing I heard, her port was removed and no one said there was more to come. I thought she was done and well. I told him that and he said okay he did not know I was ill-informed of it since I spoke to his aunt, her sister. Anyway, he said, "Melissa, I'm giving you a chance here. I am trying to give us a chance. Stop over reacting to this stuff. I'm not with anyone. I love my mom and wanted to make her feel better. It's okay that you called to ask about the flowers. I'll tell you anything you want to know. Just be sweet, Melissa, that's all I ask of you."
So that is what I am doing now. Asking nicely about things, being less accusatory, trying to learn to believe in him and what he says to me, giving us space and time apart and learning to enjoy my time away from him and fill it with friends, the kids, or activities. Enjoying the quiet time I have after the kids go to bed by slipping beneath my covers and watchng 30 minutes of tv that I want to watch instead of everyone else's choice. Putting me frist sometimes. I got my toes doen for the first time the other day. I love them and I got compliments the other night while out. I never knew people really looked at that stuff, but random men told me I had beautiful feet. I was flattered. I enjoyed my entire weekend and did not blow up Shane's phone. I let him be and we talked some. We texted a bunch while he was working and were playful. Yes, there is co-dependency on my part. I am in counseling. I will get past it and I will learn to handle conflict better, troubles better.
I do blame Shane for his part, but I take equal blame for my own. It took two to get us here and it will take two to get us back to where we need to be. Even if that is apart.
~Mel~
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