Any thoughts on this response?
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| Wed, 05-09-2007 - 11:30am |
Here is a ressponse I got on another board...Any thoughts? I hate to say it, but I agree with her 100%....oh it hurts!
~Mel~
<< I like this post. Thank you. Now I ask you this...the way he was when I met him...is that not WHO HE IS??? >>
You're welcome. But, I think we've beat this dead horse (ie, this thread) long enough.
Basically, very few people are who they REALLY ARE when you first met. It's called "infatuation" (which usually lasts 6 - 9 months) ... it's the "putting your best foot forward" phase ... and unfortunately, you guys moved in together WAY too soon (was it 2 months?) and changed your lives and your world around without really ... and I mean ... REALLY knowing each other.
If you do align with someone and things move along quickly ... and it happens to work out ... well, I think those are couples who had some luck on their side.
<< but I turned into this after quitting my job, moving in with him, and moving to another city with nothing to do to occupy my time. >>
Melissa, you were already insecure and "unhealed" from your previous marriage. I *do* hope that your counseling helps you see that you brought this with you to *this* marriage ... and *this* marriage only heightened it ... it didn't create it. It was already there.
Because, if you were healed, adjusted and basically, a well-balanced, secure person ... you wouldn't have done that laundry list of things above in the first place! YOu woudln't have quit your job, moved in with him, moved to another city and obsessed over him if you had taken the time to heal and just be OK with yourself after your first marriage.
Thus, you're illustrating my point ... you were obsessing over him ... why? Because you weren't into doing the work you needed to do on you! We keep on saying that ... and for some reason ... you're not getting it.
People who are motivated to make a change on themselves ... do not focus their energies OUTWARD on others ... they focus inward on working on and healing themselves. But, you didn't do that ... you focused on him and the potentially 'great life' you could have with him ... without really knowing anything concrete about him!
You did those things because you were desperate for love and "security" that you didn't have before... you were looking for it in someone else ... rather than in yourself. And, that ... THAT is investing in potential ... that is investing in the 'fantasy' of what you hope a person is and will offer ... but what it IS NOT is REALITY.
<< SO I have trouble figuring out if it's potential I see or the real deal I know is there. >>
If it was the "real deal" you wouldn't be asking this ... you wouldn't be having trouble figuring it out. You would know. But, you don't. << the real deal I know is there >> ... if you believe that to be true, you're in denial. He has given you nothing to "know" that ... he's given you nothing but a lot of grief ... making threats ... planting seeds to make you think he's cheating just to catch you snooping (or whatever that nonsense was about ... emails to hookers, whatever) ... it doesn't matter if I don't have those details correct ... that's not the point. The point is ... someone who's the REAL DEAL ... someone who is worth aligning with and investing in ... doesn't do those things.
He's an alcoholic (or, at the very least, a problem drinker) ... you're codependent ... making excuses for him, blaming his behaviors on his friends ... alcoholics and copendents are polar opposites of the same problem ... and that problem is, you're both terribly insecure ... neither of you love yourselves enough to be your own ideal partner ... and therefore, how can either of you be a good partner to each other ... when you're not even treating yourselves well? and there you have it ... opposite sides of the same problem ... you're both insecure ... you just project it in different way.
As a codependent ... you're the doormat ... ie, he gets to come and go as he pleases, do as he pleases, when and how he wants ... and you just say "why is up to him?" ... well, as we've all said, it's not! And, as an alcoholic, he's the entitled one ...its his world, you just live in it ... as evidenced by his comings and goings and him saying something as audacious as "its my decision to get a divorce, not yours" ... read: entitled!
Go to a CoDA meeting or an Al-Anon meeting ... and you'll hear the same thing. But, as long as you're in denial ... you won't go. Though, it would probably be one of the best things you could ever do for yourself.

What an incredible post! I don't know you well enough to comment on whether it's right for you or not, but I have read enough books (tons of 'em!) to know that what s/he's written is on target.
To add to her note... Crystallization is the term for shoving the red flags aside, or finding his undesirable traits 'cute'.
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Mel,
If this post really hit home for you, then I really think you need to go to INDIVIDUAL counseling in addition to the couples counseling you are currently doing. Only by working on yourself can you get past the insecurities you have and grow as a person, for not only your sake, but also for your kids sake. Children will model their own coping behaviors on those of their families, you don't want your kids growing up thinking being accepting of nastiness is OK.
My X is an alcoholic, so is my brother (recovering, attends AA religiously), my father was as were BOTH of my grandfathers. Both of my X's parents are AA members, his grandfather died of liver scerosis the day my X was born. I spent a full year in counseling to get past the idea that the crappy behavior that goes along with alcoholism is somehow normal. So it now ends with my generation. My sons have had their taste of alcohol and have chosen to not drink. They are pretty militant anti-alcohol. They've seen the negative long term consequences and realize our family just has a propensity for this kind of addiction.
Go to AlAnon. It is a really good place to start working on your own issues and it's free.
I do go to individual counseling. Actually Shane was there with me for support. Not for couple's counseling.
As far as alcoholism...this person posting thinks he's an alcoholic. Shane is not. He is not a big drinker. Just occasional and we're talking a couple of beers IF we get together with anyone who has some. We live in a dry county so we have to drive pretty far to get alcohol. She assumed he was an alcoholic because one night he went out after work alone and drink. He did get drunk, but that was 2 months ago and he has not done it since. When asked why, he said he had no idea why and regretted it and it was stupid. SO he is not an alcoholic, but that night was a problem. He is addicted to porn, I think, but he will never admit to that.
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