Anyone else feeling self-conscious???
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| Sat, 04-21-2007 - 12:40am |
Ok - the one thing we definitely all have in common is the fact that we are single moms so I am sure someone out there can relate to this.... There was a time when I had a cute and relatively tight little body - those days are long past for me. I gave birth (emerg. c-sections after full dilation and crowning) to two 9lb babies that were both nursed. I have not been intimate with anyone except my stbx for 10yrs and add the fact that I am carrying 15 extra pounds.
I have recently reconnected with a former co-worker and I am certain that once I move to my new place in a few more weeks that we will be taking our relationship to the next stage. He is divorced with no children and recently broke off an engagement with a young spinning instructor....I probably don't need to say more but, bottom line, I don't think he has been intimate with a woman who has had children. I am concerned that the state of my body will be a large turn off for him. I am very self conscious of my new jiggly parts (belly and D breasts). How am I am going to get over this hurdle...I don't want my self confidence (or lack there of) ruin what could be a really fun time...
Rose

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Honey - I have a new word for you: "Pannus".
Ever hear anyone tell you you are your own worst critic? Men aren't going to notice the things you hate the most about yourself, they're too caught up in the moment for one thing, and they LIKE real women for another- but they will notice the fact that you're self conscious.
I gained and then lost a lot of weight, so I have loose skin hanging out in various places, my chest could only be called perky by an 80 year old who nursed seven or eight kids, I have stretch marks from the weight change in some of the oddest places, when I wave goodbye, my upper arm always has a couple of extra waves going on.... BUT I have never felt better about myself.
I know what this body has been through. I know that I worked hard to lose all of the weight I have, and if I need to lose a few more pounds, I know what I'm doing to get there. I also know that not one man has ever said anything other than the most complimentary things- and I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm comfortable in my own skin.
In fact, I asked my best guy friend what men like and don't like about women once, and his reply was that "women who are confident are sexy. We like their softness- women who are constantly thinking they're too fat, too jiggly, too whatever aren't nearly as sexy as a woman who knows she's beautiful." According to him, even if you never say those things but feel them, it'll come off and he'll be able to tell you aren't entirely comfortable with yourself.
Obviously we all have our moments, but really, the absolute best thing you can do is feel great. If this means sexy new lingerie, go for it, if it means joining a gym, do that. but whatever you're doing, do it so YOU feel good about your body.
One thing I always did when I knew I was going to be intimate soon with someone new was up my excersize level. I usually walk on my lunch break, so I'd start jogging. I spend some time on my elliptical at home, so I'd double the time. The added excersize made me feel great, and the extra energy it gave me was put to good use!
Don't worry about the spinning instructor, this guy obviously ended things with her for a reason. Pretend she was a lumberjack if that helps, but this could serve as proof that men aren't only about tight bodies. They want more than the physical just like we do, and the brain is the sexiest thing about anyone!
Hope I've helped...
Moody, happy with all her two thousand parts
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Rose,
You have heard it before, wear your "birth marks" like a badge of honor! That said...it's spring, hit the trails girl! Add a few push-ups and crunches and you're good to go. Even if you don't improve your physique that much...you will feel GREAT! Excercise releases endorphins...its like free drugs that are actually good for you! Hiking also a great date (in my opinion, find a nice trail and pack a picnic).
One more thing...MOOD LIGHTING!!! Everyone looks better under candle light!
20 lbs. overage is not that bad, I'm holding about 10 more than I'd like. I walk (not nearly enough) and do yoga (not nearly enough, again!!) so, I am in okay shape but, nothing to write home about (I love cheese so, I don't think I'll be losing the extra 10...ever!) and I breastfed two babies for about 3 years total so, my kittens aren't perfect either). I've also got some stretch marks (thankfully, they are in kind places and not too bad (they are really light and mainly just on my behind). Also remember...guys are concious of their bodies too! The guy I am dating is 38 and his job is physical plus he plays softball so, he is in decent shape but, he is not a gym guy or anything...good physique but, not insane. So, we are pretty well matched. That makes it pretty comfortable, honestly. I'm 31 and I kept an eye out for a guy that was a little older (but, not too much) for maturity, finanical security and the physical side of things (I fiugre, he's psyched to have a younger piece of tail so to speak!).
One more cardio tip, walk on your lunch break, you can squeeze in 20 minutes of light cardio this way (X5 days thats 100 minutes a week!). When I worked in an office, I'd do that then sneak a couple of abs, pushups and a downdog in my cubicle. It also totally gets you over the afternoon shlumpies!
Remember Rose, if he really likes the brain, the body will be great too!!! Look in the mirror and tell yourself good things like that, it sounds dumb but, it helps me.
(((HUGS))) I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
When I logged off and crawled into bed last nite I was thinking this exact same question, and looky here...all these great answers today!!
I am so lacking confidence in my body but it has a lot to do with things my husband used to say to me. Add to that so many rejections intimately and it can sure do you in. After 4 kids, all 9 plus pounds...I added a good 50lbs. It is such a lie that your boobs will go back to being firm and perky if you wear good support!! Maybe after one kid, but sure the heck not after 4.
I was talking with a male friend once and he was more interested in a woman being more self confident and being giving sexually. So, when I get my nerves rattling thinking about another relationship I try to think that if he was that adamant about being with a thin woman then he wont consider dating me. Not that I wont be shaking in my knickers anyway, but I can think positive!! LOL, guess I wont really know till the time comes.
--tj
I think this is such a great thread and I have enjoyed reading all the answers.
The things I have noticed - by watching others - is that guys have individualized tastes in women - there is no rhyme or reason - and they certainly don't pick someone who is movie star gorgeous. They like confidence and happiness and someone like them who understands them. I think the most important thing is not so much what you look like, but how you make a man feel about himself.
Look at Anna Nicole Smith - she was probably one of the most gorgeous women of our time - distractingly beautiful. But she couldn't get or keep someone really good - she had disaster after disaster and her end came way too early. There are a lot of stars with strings of love tragedies.
So movie star beautiful is not always the answer.
I think we all have a responsibility to make ourselves happy and to be all we can be. One of my friends who is in her 20s takes time every day to make sure her hair is neat, her clothes and accessories match and she looks so put together. She doesn't spend a lot on clothes and she doesn't have a movie star body - but she looks and acts great and has a lot of self confidence. I think that is what it takes.
And of course when all else fails, retail therapy ROCKS! Even if it is just a new pair of cheap earrings or lipstick!!
Anna Nicole Smith - she was probably one of the most gorgeous women of our time
Good point - plus, she was distractingly beautiful even when she was a Plus.
Wow!! Fabulous fabulous responses! Thanks so much everyone!
A Pannus eh rlch - lovely!!!! My pannus is a bit of a source of panic for me. The crinkly testure of the skin is what worries me the most! I don't mind that I have a little 'extra' belly from my babies - I do think of it as a badge - but that is an easier concept to hang onto when the babies you had belong to the man you are with! As a fellow "D" cup though - my experience has always been that men tend to go straight for the breasts - so while I like the idea of leaving a nice lacey bra on...it usually is one of the first things to be "ripped" off... :0 (FYI -my daughter has also asked why my nipples point down and has also sung a little "chubby mummy" song just for me! ;)
Moody - way to go on the weight loss - I would love to hear how you did it! Funny - a few weeks ago I was feeling very confident with this guy - and he is definitely packing an extra few lbs too. He knows my stbx too who just happens to be a finely chiseled Greek god. I am sure he is feeling a wee bit self conscious. I do know that he is totally into me, he has not been shy about showering me with compliments "beautiful, sexy, amazing, gorgeous, etc" and I am convinced that he believes those things to be true. If only I believed them....sad but true and my stbx made sure he shredded every last ounce of self confidence that I ever had. I am also a wee bit concerned that he is thinking of the me I was when I first met him about 15yrs ago....lots has changed since then....
Exercise? You bet I have kicked it into high gear. i think I can hold this guy off for about one more month so I am going to have to be on my best work-out behaviour!
The Overall theme here...I am going to have to muster up some confidence again. I hope he just hotly pursues me in the next couple of weeks! ...and buy some miracle lingerie LOL!~
Rose
(does anyone have any fail proof dieting tips?)
I know what you mean, my ex got to witness the changes as they happened and loved them because of the children they produced, but I too worry my body is not acceptable for a new man. I am in a fairly new relationship, and sex isn't yet an issue, but do wonder what he will think- when the underwire is gone and there no clothes to hide the stretch marks and bulges. I am probably at my lowest weight as an adult, but still a size 12 in a world of skinny models and airbrushed photos, I don't feel like I can really compete, I only hope his love for me clouds his vision enough that he will still love what he gets.
Ella
This thread is the best! What a great topic -- I have to admit that I am fluctuating between a size 20 - 22 with big boobs- think Queen Latifah before her breast reduction, ha! But I'm healthy, and active, and I carry it very well. I try to dress confidently and sexy and stylishly ONLY in things that are flattering - I have actually researched and experimented on clothing styles to find what
Honestly, I started moving in small ways. I don't diet, but I did change the way I eat.
I completely cut soda- ALL soda out of my life. I went from drinking a twelve pack of pepsi a day (really) to drinking at least that much water. When I wanted a soda, I fill a bottle of water, walk for five minutes (more if I wasn't at work), and simply do something else.
My kids are active in a couple of things- my son plays baseball and the princess dances. I put music on and danced along. I played catch. I started parking as far away from entrances at stores, work, and wherever as possible. Once I started making those changes, the weight seemed to fall off. Then I started "excersizing". Like I said, I walk on my lunch break, and started jogging some days. I found a friend who was also into getting fit, and having a great morale system helps! I also spent money on excersize equipment and videos, and the guilt from spending the money forces me to use the stuff!
I cut chocolate out of my life for about 4 months, and began eating real meals instead of snacking all day. I still have to work on eating more healthfully- I am the type who believes that a Snickers is a balanced lunch. So I might still have a Snickers now, but I'll also eat a reasonable breakfast (something I never used to do) a piece of fruit in the afternoon, and a healthy dinner.
Cutting out soda, and then chocolate was my hardest hurdle, and I now will drink diet, and eat chocolate, but I'm not an emotional eater any more, and I don't need to eat and entire pack of cookies- one or two will do nicely.
For me, the little things helped a lot. I was once a candidate for gastric bypass surgery, and now I'm wearing a size smaller than I did in high school. My issue regarding my body is that it's in all different places than it used to be. Pre children, I wore a barely B cup- now I'm a full D. My upper arms haven't ever been great, but they're awful now. BUT- I have been told I have great legs, and a killer smile. I concentrate on that- cute (short but not mini) skirts, tops that are a little flowy, a pair of really great shoes and a great lipstick are what makes me feel the best.
I would also say to pay attention- do you get a ton of compliments when you wear a certain color? If so, wear it more often. Do you simply feel great when you're doing something specific? Do it more!
I understand the not believing compliment thing, but remember to accept them graciously even if you aren't convinced you agree. You don't have to agree, it's someone else's opinion. But accepting them graciously is also attractive.
I'm so glad we started talking about this!
Moody, who usually feels great now
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