Anyone else spending Christmas alone?
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Anyone else spending Christmas alone?
| Thu, 12-23-2004 - 6:00pm |
I was fine with the idea of spending Christmas alone. My family is not anywhere near me, dd is going to be with her dad this year (she's with me Christmas Eve), and my bf hasn't said anything about spending Christmas together. I tried not to talk about it, but then a couple people at work asked what I was doing and I told them, nothing, and that it was just going to be a nice, quiet, peaceful day. Then I was talking to my mom on my way home and she was saying I really should get myself invited to someone's house for dinner. No, I don't want to. So after all those questions now I am feeling like a loser that I don't have any plans. Please tell me I'm not the only one planning to spend the day alone?


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You're not a loser, you're just not a lemming running toward the ledge with the rest of the crowd. :)
LOL!!! Candi, this line just made quote of the week. You are awesome!!!! I loved that, and yeah, at times that's exactly how it feels.
The reason he hasn't introduced me to his family is he doesn't know if he's staying here or moving away. He just lost his son in a move-away custody battle and there is a chance he is going to decide to move to be near his son. It's not an easy decision to make. I don't think there is any chance he is with anyone else, I am sure he would break up with me if that was the case. He is getting help for his depression but the best help is going to be resolution of the visitation schedule which he is doing his best to make happen but the other side is using stalling tactics in court. I didn't expect a call on Christmas unless it was to see me but it would have been nice. I don't expect a gift and I don't want one. He's not big on holidays. My family does not do gifts for adults and I didn't get him anything either. So that part is fine.
In the beginning of our relationship we just didn't talk much I had my dd and never when he had his son. We both felt that our time with our children is too short and the focus was on them, although there were occasions we did talk or he came over after my dd was asleep (when he didn't have his son). Then lately we've talked more but I've noticed we talk when he's feeling good and when he's feeling more depressed we don't talk as much. I understand because I know it the pain of not being able to see my dd would be unimaginable, and he's doing his best to cope.
All the same, I have not gone this long without hearing from him and I don't know if I should be pissed or worried. I think I have to see what has happened and what is going on before I know how I will feel about it. Up until this weekend I would have said I am getting what I need from this relationship. I do need time on my own and it's been fine if we don't talk every day. I haven't been divorced that long and I've been focusing most of my energy on getting my life together. I see a wonderful future with my bf if he decides to stay here, and I know I will be okay if it doesn't work out too. It's really impossible not to worry about him because he's going through such a difficult time and I care about him so much.
I feel so sick and horrible right now. It just has seemed to get worse and worse today. I can't say I'm depressed because I see my bf's depression and what I feel doesn't compare to that. I feed so bad for what he is going through and that I can't do anything to help. I feel all this pain in my heart and I care about him so much and miss him so much right now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Usually the one thing I can do is be there to listen, and right now he isn't letting me in to even do that little thing.
I am usually pretty good at focusing on the good. I have a good career and I have a wonderful dd. I had a good divorce and a cordial relationship with my ex. I know she is so lucky to have a dad that is involved in her life. I'm getting by financially and for the first time ever, living within my means most of the time. I know I will be okay no matter what happens in this relationship. But today all I feel like is focusing on the negative. I don't have my health and I never will, and I hate the drugs I have to take to fake healthiness. I miss my dd and have to spend 1/2 my life without her. My car has 105,000 miles on it and the transmission is slipping, and there is no room in the budget to fix it or to get another one. My bf is suffering and I'm helpless. And of course, my therapist is on vacation.
I went to a kick boxing class to get some aggression out (mostly because my bf hasn't called and why can't he just call and let me know he's okay) and as soon as I left I just started bawling and now I can't stop. I guess I just have to get it all out. Oh, and there's another negative - swollen baggy eye's again tomorrow morning from crying. There is a girl at work that always notices.
Don't feel bad about crying - sometimes you just need a good cry.
The other things are hard - but none are imminent disasters and if you have pulled through all of this then you will continue. Sometimes the most inconvenient thing or painful thing turns out to be something really good in the end. Have faith.
At least you have drugs for your health. Your car hasn't died yet - maybe it is a cheap fix? Or there is a good deal you haven't thought of just yet? Think positive. And the time away from your daughter can be a little mommy break to get things done and help you be a better mom. The bf thing may be writing on the wall to call it - and maybe there is someone better?
I think you should give yourself time off from the bf - he is upsetting you and adding to your woes. You need and deserve someone who will make you happy and give you wings. I feel, from your stories, that he is like wearing lead shoes while you are slushing through the mud with a heavy load on your back. But only you can decide.
Thank you, I do appreciate your advice. I think what happens with my bf is out of my hands for now. It's impossible at this point for me to imagine someone better. He is the reason I eat healthier and my motivation to exercise, and those have had a positive impact on my illness. I have learned so much from him because he is constantly reading/learning and sharing his thoughts and opinions and he has had a positive influence on my parenting. He has this way of encouraging me to be a better person like nobody else ever has. Although I am sure he doesn't know it, he's also been my motivation for getting my budget in order. Whenever I've been short on money I just charged it. I saw him make sacrifices when he didn't have the money and I finally got it through my head that if you don't have the money to buy new clothes, you don't go shopping. What I have learned being with him, I will always benefit from. I am not going to stop eating well and exercising, I won't stop budgeting my money and I read now more than I ever have in the past. Even if it's out of my hands, I still hope for a future with him.
I see being away from my dd half my life as more than a 'little' mommy break. I do agree the time away from her is my time to get things done (cleaning, laundry, errands, going to the gym, reading) and it does make me a better mom when I am with her. Even though I agreed to 50/50 custody for her best interests, it's still hard sometimes to be away from her so much.
Edited 12/28/2004 10:43 am ET ET by firstamendment
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