Anyone have a fear of dating again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Anyone have a fear of dating again?
20
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 12:04pm
I was married at 21, baby at 22, divorced by 23 :( I'm now 26 and I have been avoiding dating? I want to date but anytime anyone makes an effort I pull back and can't seem to stop myself from pushing them away. The strange thing is I'm so tired of being alone, I want someone in my life. For the last couple of years I've been seeing someone who's "Not that into me" but we've known each other since high school, and I know that about him and I'm ok with it, or I was.

Now I really want someone to love and hae recently met a really nice guy, but I'm scared of him. He's not my usual type, but he is very nice and we get a long good too. Does anyone have any advice on how to get over this fear? Or am I going to have to just jump in? I really need some advice no one seems to understand my fears? M

My family pretty much says if he's a nice smart guy of course I wouldn't be interested...I don't think its fair to say that, when really I'm just afraid, and no I don't know exactly what I'm afraid of.

Stefanie

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 2:32pm
FINALLY! Someone that understands the way I feel! I too am guilty of the same thing. I have tried to date since breaking it off with Dylan's father 3 years ago and just can't seem to let anyone beyond a certain point...well, until recently. I got involved with a friend about 2 months ago...finally let someone in...now he decides that it's not going anywhere.... I am so tired of getting hurt. I thought he was someone that he's obviously not...which really upsets me because now the friendship will never be the same.

I want so much to be happy & with someone -basically how we were during our first 3 weeks...but I'm beginning to wonder. This time Dylan is getting roped into it as well and that bothers me even more....

If you'd like to chat, drop me a line @ Michelle0573@hotmail.com

Michelle

Michelle ~ mommy to:

Dylan 2.12.01

~i~ 11.11.04

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:13pm
I understand your fear! I was the QUEEN of pushing really great guys away!

Your fear is actually a self-protection, defense mechanism that you've learned/acquired by being hurt/betrayed/disappointed/let down/angered/insert every other negative emotion you've experienced here. You can't be hurt/betrayed/etc. if you don't let someone in! GENUIS! I won't let anyone in!

How to get over it? You gotta just jump in head first. And it REALLY helps if you are with a guy who is TOTALLY head over heels into you, and patient. My now husband had to constant remind me "I'm not the bad guy" and "you gotta let me" and "you can keep pushing me away - but I'm not going anywhere!"

And I know you didn't ask for advice on this particular issue - but DITCH the guy who isn't that into you. I don't know why - but we tend to think we can do something to change that - and they normally hurt us TERRIBLY in the end.

Hope to see you around more often! Best wishes!

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:43pm
Welcome Stefanie

I think it's quite natural to be afraid, especially when you were married and divorced so young. If it were me, I'd sit myself down and write down all the pros and cons of dating this guy, try to be very specific and honest with yourself. I think if you can start to really think about it, you can determine that there's nothing about him specifically that scares you, but letting someone get close.

Other than having a marriage end, are there other reasons why you would be afraid? Abusive relationship or anything, because if there are, you may really want to talk to a professional counselor about your feelings before you try to get too serious with any man. It takes a lot of work to come back from that kind of devastation.

Eventually, if this man is someone you care for and want in your life, you will have to put your fears aside and give it your all. You can't go into a new relationship half-heartedly. When you start to feel nervous, remind yourself internally about the reasons you want to date this man and want him in your life. Try to "talk" yourself out of the fear. It takes a lot of work but you can do it.

As Sunshinemin already said, forget the other guy who isn't in to you, he's safe right now because you don't have to be too involved. He cant' hurt you because you know where you stand with him. Love means taking a risk, but it can also mean getting a great reward in return, being loved back.

Hope you'll stick around.

Hugs

Tara

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:45pm
Hi Michele

Just wanted to welcome you as well. Not sure if I've seen your name around here before. I hope that you will feel comfortable to post more and let us get to know you.

I'm sorry about your recent break-up. I know you are probably discouraged at this point. This board is a great source of support for all the ladies here, so I hope you will take advantage.

Hugs

Tara
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:33pm
Don't settle for a man unless you're completely thrilled with him. I made that mistake with my first boyfriend after my divorce. I picked someone who looked good on paper, but there wasn't a chemistry there. This guy might be nice, but if you're not attracted then don't bother. You'll end up breaking his heart sometime down the road.

Don't sell yourself short when it comes to picking men. I used to have a horrible track record (e.g. my ex husband). I went 4 years without dating after I left him because I was afraid of making another big mistake. That was too long to wait. I've dated a couple of men since my divorce and even though those relationships haven't worked out...they weren't horrible either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 7:01pm
Don't be afraid - you have nothing to lose. Just go slow and be spontaneous!! It is better to take a chance and have fun than to sit home alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 7:09pm
I am curious - if you don't mind me asking - what do you mean by "not that into me?" - give us more info here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 12:00pm
First I wanted to say thank you all for your wonderful and warm input and advice. Honestly I just found the site yesterday and thought well they are the perfect people to ask :) So thank you :)

Well you wanted some more information here you go..lol

My "Not that into me" guy was my high school boy friend years ago, we came across each othe on classmates.com and started chatting I was newly divorced and living in Hawaii, he was back in our home town, so when I moved home we started dating. I can't really say he doesn't love me but he won't love me so thats pretty much the same thing, ok I know that needs more explanation...lol well about 6 months into out dating everything was great an he says I think we shouldhave some time apart...why? this is what he says...I actually want to take care of you & Triston (DS) and I can't not the way you deserve. Basically he doesn't make enough money to support us the way he thinks we should be. And no I am not poor and destitute I have a job and go to school full time, my apartment is nicely decorated and I have toooo many clothes...lol. I support DS and myself just fine.

Anyway hes been in and out of my life ever since, so I can't say I didn't try but he only considers me a friend NO MORE. It's been 2 years...I read the book from Oprah...it's all about him.

So he came over the other night and saw it and was like whats that about so I said "you"...lol he took it home to read.

Someone also asked if I had been abusive relationships, no. In fact my ex and I are very good friends, now. He's another person in my life who thinks I need to get back on the dating horse. I do too, but as Michelle said I'm tired of getting hurt.

Sorry I can't remember who asked me what...:)

Someone mentioned something about chemistry, honestly I don't feel chemistry for the new "nice guy" we talk sometimes but I just don't feel attracted, though I don't know if its because I'm not letting myself or because I don't.

...lol

So now that I've written a novel, I just wanted to say thanks again, and I plan on being around for awhile:)

Stefanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:22pm
That is crazy about your friend. Sorry to hear you had to go through that.

With regards to the new one, I have found that chemistry is a tricky thing. You cannot manufacture it or force it - you either have it or you don't.

Maybe give him a chance and if no click then keep on going!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:57pm
The problem is I still care for my friend, but new nice guy just sent me a huge thing of flowers, the note was a little saying to help me remember something I am studying.

The last time I got flowers was from my friend when we first started "dating" 2 years ago...lol. I want to give him a chance, but then I don't, I'm so confused.

I don't know what to do.

Stefanie

Pages