Anyone have a fear of dating again?
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Anyone have a fear of dating again?
| Tue, 09-28-2004 - 12:04pm |
I was married at 21, baby at 22, divorced by 23 :( I'm now 26 and I have been avoiding dating? I want to date but anytime anyone makes an effort I pull back and can't seem to stop myself from pushing them away. The strange thing is I'm so tired of being alone, I want someone in my life. For the last couple of years I've been seeing someone who's "Not that into me" but we've known each other since high school, and I know that about him and I'm ok with it, or I was.
Now I really want someone to love and hae recently met a really nice guy, but I'm scared of him. He's not my usual type, but he is very nice and we get a long good too. Does anyone have any advice on how to get over this fear? Or am I going to have to just jump in? I really need some advice no one seems to understand my fears? M
My family pretty much says if he's a nice smart guy of course I wouldn't be interested...I don't think its fair to say that, when really I'm just afraid, and no I don't know exactly what I'm afraid of.
Now I really want someone to love and hae recently met a really nice guy, but I'm scared of him. He's not my usual type, but he is very nice and we get a long good too. Does anyone have any advice on how to get over this fear? Or am I going to have to just jump in? I really need some advice no one seems to understand my fears? M
My family pretty much says if he's a nice smart guy of course I wouldn't be interested...I don't think its fair to say that, when really I'm just afraid, and no I don't know exactly what I'm afraid of.
Stefanie

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Welcome to the board. You get really great advice on here from loads of great women who have been through it all. Hope you stick around.
My two cents on the subject is:
To find closure with the friend. I have a feeling that once you do this you might just have your friend realize he doesn't want to be without you. It's easy for him at the moment. Don't make it so easy. Maybe he realizes that once you move on, that he doesn't want you to move on without him. And if he does let you go, then you know what to do. As for Mr. Nice; my thoughts are, you are honest to him about needing time to and space to adjust to dating someone again. That you don't want to feel crowded or given the feeling that you HAVE to date him or call him or whatever. Make it clear that you think he is nice, but you want to take things one at a time. If he really cares, he will stick around and take whatever he can get.
I have someone that does that now. I am not interested in him as I should be and he knows this, but I told him that doesn't mean I don't want to see him, I just need some adjustment time and time to myself. He gives me my space. Lot's of space, as much as I need. That makes him more attractive to me again, but in reality, not enough for me to just date him. I still believe I don't just want to settle for anything. I have my huge up's and downs when it comes to my private life and the dating scene. I've been separated/divorced from my husband almost 4 yrs and in so many relationships that I don't even remember the order. LOL! I've dated so many men, usually a few at a time, that no one can keep track. Still, I haven't met THE ONE. That could have a few reasons to it. One, because I have put up that wall, two, because no one has interested me enough yet to want to stick around, or three, because I think that I don't really deserve anyone in my life and attract some really wierd people or abusive (mentally). Or it could be number Four, I am still in love with only one man, even after 18yrs, though we will never be together, we still love each other and we can't forget each other and therefore all our other relationships are flops, because we put each other on a pedestool. Funny thing about it, if you get us both together, we have only two levels, the drag out fights or the love birds. No in-between. That's why we can never make it work, but I guess we both love what we know we both can't have. We are forever destined to be connected to one another through our daughter. She shakes her head and calls us a catastrophe, but says she couldn't wish anything better than us. As long as we never decide to stay together. So we are separated by half the world, to keep us away from each other. Very sad, but true. LOL. I am trying to overcome that. Overcome him. Wanting to find someone in my life that will make him far far away. Yet, I haven't accomplished that yet.
I am hoping therapy to help myself find happiness, might just get me to move on and quit looking back.
Anyway, I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing how things are progressing for you.
- Catherine
I also have a fear of dating again. My story is a bit longer. I am new to this message board also but am having a lot of fun and enjoy reading the messages posted. I am 36 yrs. old with a 12 yr. old son. I was married for 16 years until this past April. My husband passed away from a heart condition. I did not have a good marriage, I stayed in
it because I didn't believe in divorce. We seperated 3 different times and each time I went back to him. Him telling me things would be different and that he loved me. 9 yrs. ago he contracted a virul infection that attacked his heart. I became his soul caretaker. I became mother, maid and nurse. I loved him and cared for him the best way I knew how. He was not a nice person, I finally came to realize recently that he was not happy with himself and therefore nobody around him was happy. I blamed myself for years because our marriage was not a good one, but I can say I gave it my all. Nothing I could
ever do for him, would ever be good enough but it wasn't me it was him. He would not allow me to love him the way I wanted to it was always his way or NO way at all. He was
controlling, angry and bitter. Everyone tries to give him the excuse well he was so sick and yes he was, but what about the first 7 yrs. he didn't have any excuses then. I've stopped asking myself this stuff because I'll never know the answers but I am ready to move on with my life.
I'm terrified of dating again. I've gone out with a few men, most of them are so much older than me. For some odd reason I seem to attract the older ones, the much older ones. I'm not attracted to the ones that are my fathers age, good grief. I'm young and
have been told by many men that I am beautiful. I don't see it, I'm just me. I think I have a great personality, I am very outgoing, I do have one special friend that told me that I have an inner beauty that compares to nobody else. I cringe at the thought of dating these days though. Most of my friends are men and I have great friendships with them. Other than my work, I don't know how to get out and meet single men. I'm not into the bar scene. All I've wanted my whole life was to find someone who loved me as much as
I loved them. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know how you feel quietfire24 your not alone. I'm plenty scared too, but I believe my Mr. Right is out there somewhere waiting for me. I just have to be patient and patience it not one of my better virtues.
sc
It is very good to know that I am not alone in being afraid. I am afraid because I don't want to let someone in because I always get hurt.
I think I have also figured out another fear...so I finally decided to go out with Mr. Nice guy...well we are supposed to go out to dinner tonight, and really he's creeping me out. He's sent me like 5 emails worrying about if he said the wrong thing to me about my ex and all this crazy stuff about it being our first date. A lot of pressure about this being something big or something. I don't know he's making it such a big deal. This is one of my fears I don't want to be "in a relationship" after one date. I don't even know if I can handle one date let alone many. I'll do the date and tell him all this, but I just got a good taste about why I sooo don't want to get involved in this again.
I haven't spoken to my friend tried calling he didn't answer, so whatever he just loses out. If he calls me I'll be honest that I'm seeing other people and you're right if he decides he doesn't want me to go he can act then...lol
I know I'm being a little paranoid but I don't like a lot of expectations.
Recently, I went out with an older gentleman (He's 52, I'm 36) from my church. I wanted a friend to talk to, do things with. I have many male friends from work and sounded like he would make a good friend. He said he wanted some companionship, well me too. He wanted more. On our date he told me he was nervous and I told him not to be. I was honest with him and told him I was looking for a friend and he wanted to know what if he wanted it to be more. I told him exactly how I felt and he thanked me for being honest with him. Even though he may have wanted it to be more, I wasn't attracted to him in that way, I didn't tell him that of course, I'm not into hurting peoples feelings. He's way too old for me, good Lord he's old enough to be my Dad for Petes sake. If he's being too pushy tell him to back off, it's too much for you. He'll appreciate it. When he and I went out we just had 2 different ideas. I kept saying friend and he kept hearing/seeing relationship until I spelled it out for him.
As for the other guy, he will react when he finds out your dating someone else. Be prepared for how you will handle that, it will come up. You sound like you have a lot to offer someone and I hope everything goes well for you this evening, just be yourself. I so appreciate what you said about someone snatching me up and I hope that you are right and that someone will see me as a good person and want to spend the rest of their life with me. :o) Time will tell! I will be on vacation for the next few days and will be eager to see how your date went and what your friend has to say about your date but it will be a few days before I will have access to the board. So, until then, Good Luck with both!
sc
I tried not to be pessimistic about the whole night, and we had a good time. I am still just not attracted to him, but he is a very funny guy, I think we could be good friends. As for my "friend" yeah he caled me on Saturday night, but oops I just wasn't there to get the call My ex hubby and I took DS to see sharks tale :) You see I ALWAYS home to take his calls, it became normal for me to just not do anything, I was consistently available, but no more ...lol He didn't leave a message I saw it on the caller ID, no message noneed to call back right?...lol Let him do some wondering for once. So basically I spent a great weekend with DS, cooking and playing in boxes,(we were supposed to be packing for our move, but commando against the cat was just soooo much more fun) DS is 4 so commando and power rangers is all we play anymore...lol
Anyway as for men I'm just going to play it by ear I'll let Mr. Nice guy know I'm just not interested in being more then friends. I have been checking out e harmony maybe something will come of that :)
Take care hope you all had a great weekend
Stefanie
I met a man this weekend too. Went to the Talladega Nascar race (first one) and met a really, cute guy. We flirted a lot, by the second race he brought me a Pepsi. Hey, it's a start! By the end of the race he had asked for my phone number and email address, I also got his! He took a few photos of me and we took one together, getting them developed tomorrow. The best part was the end though. As the cars were coming across the finish line, everyone in the stands was throwing beer of all things so I wound up with a beer shower and um, he (being a gentleman) rubbed up against me so his shirt would soak it all off of me, oh yeah! (giggling) Anything, to rub up against a good looking hunk! Oh man, it was harmless but terribly fun! Wish me luck that he contacts me. He said he would.
sc
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