Anyone with the kids all the time?

Avatar for aimsicle
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Anyone with the kids all the time?
15
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 8:33am

I come and go here, mainly because I don't really know how to find the time to date, but I still end up dating here and there! My main problem is that I have the kids (2 girls, ages 5 and 10) all the time--ex never takes them. I work full time and do not have any child support because ex does not work. SO when I date it is a logistical and expensive nightmare, and I want to make sure the guy is worth it...lol.

I have only had one serious relationship since the divorce that started off to fast and ended just as suddenly. We still hang out some as friends--I just see him as Major Red Flag for dating.I have dated here and there, but no one that has kept my interest until now, and reading loonybunny's posts, I think they must be cousins because he is slow, too!

I am just wondering if any of you are in the same boat. My kids do end up getting involved earlier than they would if I were in a different visitation situation, but I just try to keep it lighthearted and tell them they are friends. They have seen friends come and go so they are fine with it. Some of the guys I have hung out with really have been "just friends" so maybe that helps (just single dads looking for something to do with their kids). Of course the main problem is that they do get attached to any male figure. Anyone have any ideas?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 10:28am

I have my kids 24/7. only recently has my ex started taking them VERY sporadically. I dont date alot-no time or energy. BUt when I did, I *never* brought them here. Kids do get attached WAY too easily. Sure, it would have been easier if we could've all just hung out-here-with my kids. But that's not fair to the kids.


Do you have any teenagers that live nearby? Parents or family? What about some of your kids friends parents? You can "barter"--come up with something like "You take my kids for the night 1x month, and I'll take your kids for the night 1 x month".


You really should keep your dating life separate from your kids, until there's that "one guy" who lasts for more than 6 months. It's too confusing for kids-especially kids your kids ages, especially when dad isn't around so much. I've been there done that.....


Good luck

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 11:27am

I feel your pain, though mine are a little older, 13 and 16. I have mine 24/7, their dad will see them once every couple of months, even though he only lives two hours away. The last visit was supposed to be a whole weekend, but then he decided to go to work the second night and shipped them back home after less then 24 hours!

So, yes, this makes dating difficult for many reasons. One, I can't get out to meet anyone without a lot of planning. My DD13, gets upset being alone in the house too long at night because her brother is out all the time. Two, the only way I CAN meet anyone, it seems, is OLD, and my computer is in the living room, so I can only do it when they are both in their rooms which never seems to happen. Third, if I get phone calls, I have no where to talk without all the ears listening in (I just switched cell carriers so now I have better service in my room, so maybe that will help).

They are older, but I do worry about not spending time with them because I am working three jobs and taking a class, since I see that the ex is starting to mess around with the CS and I have to do whatever I can to keep the bills paid. So I am torn between WANTING to date, and having the kids feel like I am blowing them off when I DO have time.

I am crazy about my kids, but sometimes I do resent the fact that I have absolutely no privacy. I resent that my ex was dating (while we were still married...he got an early start!) for months and was able to move in with someone mostly because he always had free time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 5:01pm
I have the kids 24/7 and it leaves very little time for me.

Jenn ~~~ mom to Ashley & Elliott ~~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 8:20pm

Yeah I am in the same boat. My ex has seen his kids about 6 times in the 6 years we have been apart. I have them full time too. Its hard. I let mine get involved with my early relationships after the divorce. It was a huge mistake. I had a long relationship with a man who they got along with really well. That man moved to a different state and we broke up. So there was 2 men who they liked who just disappeared out of their lives. Then they met another one of my bf's early on again. HUGE mistake. He turned out to be abusive. It was horrible seeing him treat my kids poorly. I ended that relationship early.

So I decided NOT to introduce them or involve them with men I am dating anymore. I dated RG for a year and a half and they never really did anything with him and I beyond a quick introduction. And RG was sweet as can be. Now with EMT I am as careful as can be.

So my recommendation is to trade babysitting with a friend and not introduce the guys to your kids for a while.

Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 9:57pm

1st, I'd be careful involving the kids if you can help it - & I KNOW its hard timewise & $$$ wise not to. But your 10 yr old is gonna catch on at some point.

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 10:46pm

I am dating a widow who has a 13 yr old daughter. She no family backup to take care of her daughter and her daughter is still dealing with her father's death that happened suddenly 3.5 years ago.

The daughter is demanding constant time from her mother. I think it is a combination of being an only child and the loss of her father as well having mild Asperger syndrome (which according to Wikipedia that it is like high functioning Autism).

This is a struggle for the mother since she wants to have a life outside of her daughter but feels guilty when she is not with her daughter. The daughter is a bit of loner but still requires the presence of her mother when friends are with her.

Plus the daughter is exhibiting great anger toward her mother since the mother started getting close to me. The daughter just started therapy and it came out that the anger is from grief.

I have met the daughter and she is mildly dismissive and insulting to me which I ignore. She ignores me when I am over at the widow's house. Right now this is not affecting my relationship (now 3 months old) but I can see if I want to spend more time with her that the daughter will be more of a factor. I see the widow about once a week where we spend Saturday night together and do a long bike ride (takes 1/2 day or more) together. Sometimes I come over on a week night to hang and then go home around 10 pm.

I see the draining effect of her daughter's sharp and nasty anger couple with the mother's guilt about time, not taking such attacks personally and effort in keeping her daughter from going emotionally ballistic.

Frankly I would rather not be around this and it does not encourage me to spend time with either of them.

I feel real closeness and think there is great potential for a long term, deep relationship (we are already well on our way) but there is her daughter who plays a key factor in how we can further our relationship.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 11:04pm

I have my dd full-time as well and since I moved away I have no family support here and very little money for sitters. Never mind that I don't actually know any sitters that I would trust. I have a friend who will take her sometimes, but even then I really have no place to go. It's very hard, as I could really use a social life and a date wouldn't be unwelcome.

So I have no advice, but know that you're definitely not alone. Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 11:26pm

Having kids all the time means you have to build another support system other than their father to trade off time. Family and friends of yours, family of his, through church, your children's friends, etc.

Can I ask why your ex doesn't take the children?

The boy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 12:23am
I have mine full time also but I luckily have my father and brother living with me and their godmother lives two doors down. I am seriously dating one person- the only person I have dated since September of 2006- and the kids haven't met him yet. That's also because they do get attached to male figures and I don't want anyone breaking their hearts so I know how you feel. I have had offers before but to be honest he's been the only guy worth it (because I do pay my sitters even if they are family.) Are there other moms you know who maybe will trade babysitting with you? Even moms who are married probably wouldn't mind a date night once in a while.
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Avatar for aimsicle
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 7:18am

Sorry--just saw this question. My ex lives in another city with his mom. He doesn't take them because he is bipolar--he won't/can't even hold a job. We had an uncontested divorce (I filed), and to get him to sign easier, I gave him one weekend a month, but I think he has done that once. Usually when he sees the kids, I am with all of them. Last time he came into town was in May for a couple of days. When the kids HAVE gone over, his mom usually has to watch them, and she does not have the energy.

At least I am out of that chaotic life--single parenthood is easy in comparison to being married to him! :-)

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