Are we serious?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Are we serious?
18
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 3:38pm
I didn’t want to hijack Moody’s thread, but I’m feeling the same way; however, I’m in a relationship that is beyond the beginning stages. I do not know why I am getting so jittery and feeling like I need to run and hide. Maybe I’m slipping into over analyzing girl mode or something.
Anyway, after I got back from Paris I noticed M was more intense than usual. At first I figured, Hey, he really missed me. But now it’s become apparent he not only missed me, he’s been thinking about what it meant to him that he missed me as much as he did. We finally got to spend a significant amount of time together this weekend and got to talk about a number of things. One was M telling me about his entire romantic relationship history. He was pretty introspective about why things turned out the way they did in each case, and how he grew as a person and that led to the next relationship, ultimately to meeting me and being ready to appreciate that he was with me. Another was that our friends and family members are aware we’ve been together for 8 months and they seem to all be asking, “So, is it serious, any marriage plans?” (Even his wacky jealous X asked him that last week!) We seem to be on the same page on that subject, no desire for marriage anytime in the near future, and perhaps never- too complicated, the whole blended family thing, financial considerations, our screwy X’s. Yet, we both are open to the possibilty that over time we may change that opinion and feel ready for trying marriage again and definitely see one another as someone with whom we’d consider making that commitment. But in spite of his saying this, he has clearly stopped using “maybe” and “if” when talking about the future, instead he says “when we”.
I am trying to stay in the present, one day at a time, no burden of not living up to plans for the future. I just got comfortable being just me, not sure I’m ready to be one half of “we” again. Then again, I know I love this man, and for the first time, I am certain that the man I love loves me back. I know it’s more than the usual fear of getting hurt, I know I can survive that pain- BTDT, don’t want to experience it again- I’m also afraid if I take that final plunge, I’ll get all weird and clingy and drive M away.
Maybe I need to see my psychologist again. I’ve got some kind of trust issue here that needs to be worked on. Again, M shows me how perfect he is for me by being very understanding of my freaking out, knows it has nothing to do with him, just baggage from my disfunctional marriage. Maybe all he’s trying to tell me is that it’s OK that I’m commitment phobic right now, he loves me, there for me as I work through this stuff, and willing to wait til I’m ready for more.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: queenbun
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 4:15pm

I think your head is screwed on very straight, Queenbun. Not just from this post but from all of your posts.

I think it is great that you and M get along so well. I think it is very common for a man to realize what he has when it was gone or aka you going to Paris. That is so typical. And quite good. He sounds smart that he can understand all of his relationships and how he is ready for you. All of it is going along the right track.

But the flip side, that I think you also see, is that yes, marriage is a big deal. And when you are older and have kids and exs and finances and real estate it all gets a lot more complicated. It is a whole different animal than being young and carefree and concerned about a fairy tale wedding. PLUS you have all the baggage of a marriage that didn't work so well the first time around.

While I do think you learned a valuable lesson about your exh and M sounds a whole lot better and into you, eight months is just not that long.

And why rush it? I think the more time you two spend together the more you will trust him and see how the pieces of the puzzle that are your lives will fit together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: queenbun
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 6:23pm

Queen, I truly value every post you've ever submitted.

I think after 8 months, you ARE part of a "we", you just haven't labeled it until now. If it's the label that's freaking you out, then you're not really freaked out about anything new. Simply realizing something all of a sudden doesn't mean that it hasn't existed until the point of realization, it means that you are suddenly aware of it.

The fact that he's been introspective and thinking is a good thing, in my opinion. He is telling you you're the top step on his staircase, and I bet you feel the same way, just maybe haven't thought of it before now.

Not all serious relationships lead to marriage- it's really about what the two people in the relationship want. It's a successful relationship if they both want the same things, but you know that. And I believe you do. I also believe that you're honest enough with each other and yourselves to get through any "freak out" type of behavior you may exhibit.

I also think you're not commitment phobic, really, just scarred. You do have baggage, we all do, and the fact is, M knows this and loves in because of it, not in spite of it. You can plan on a future, or make future plans, and still enjoy today.

We're always here for you to vent or think out loud (so to speak) or just share your thoughts, but I think you're really doing so well!

Moody, an aspiring Queen


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: queenbun
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 6:56pm

Thanks for the reply. I'm lucky M is gone this week on business so I get some space. He's not wanting to get married he's just letting me know he thinks I'm the "love of his life." He knows 8 months is a short time and he is totally realistic about the complications of our lives; but, he's sure I am his idea of perfect: attractive, intelligent, industrious, responsible with money, independant, the best lover he's ever had, love to travel and I can be spontaneous about it, and the bonus perk, a decent skier. He appreciates that I have my priorities straight, am a good mom, put my kids first, and understand that he also puts his kids first.

I think you are right that the catalyst was my near complete disappearance from his life for a week. He realized he really likes having me in his life and just wanted me to be aware of how he feels, how much he appreciates having me in his life. I am not used to a guy who actually thinks about "the relationship" and is willing to talk about how he feels. He not only wanted to talk about it, he showed me just how he feels when we have been physically intimate. That aspect of our relationship has always been really great, but since I returned from Paris it has been an almost spiritual experience.

So what I'm freaking out about is allowing myself to just take the plunge, let go and fall in love in that way for me is pretty much permanant. I stuck with my psycho X for 30 years because I felt that way. I am aware that to take that step with M, it will be an even more intense connection because he reciprocates. I'm used to having a relationship take a lot of work. This just seems too easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: queenbun
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 8:29pm

(Jumping up and down - yelling!!) Take the plunge take the plunge!!

I think he is the right partner for a very healthy and fulfilling relationship, Queenbun!! Because he SEES and loves all the best things about you and realizes and expresses you are right for him. And from everything you have said here, he sounds just right for you. This is what we are all looking for. It is what I want for myself.

Fall in love and savor it.

The thing is that you will have faith in yourself that you will not do anything dumb. No one is going to die if you find out somehow that you did make a mistake or things change. And your dodo ex taught you to appreciate one like this.

The whole relationship SHOULD be easy. Eash schmeezy I say!!

BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: queenbun
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 9:01pm

Not sure if I have anything to add any better than Moody and West already said. And you just GOTTA love West's last post, cheering you on to go for it! lol

I'm kinda in the same boat with Hiker... although we haven't had any LSTs (long serious talks) in quite awhile. We've just been letting things cruise on auto-pilot and at the cruising altitude for some time. But I'm like you... I kinda LIKE just having a committed dating relationship, and not really sure if I'm ready for more than that. Although I'd like to think that one day, I will be. It's just not what I'm after or ready for RIGHT NOW. I'm perfectly happy with how things are between us, just the way they are!

So I know what you mean. I just have no advice, since I am only sticking to cruising at this point, and to move upward on the seriousness levels... it would probably have me a bit freaked as well. Happily freaked, but still- a bit freaked.

Just lots of hugs, and I know things will just go fine with you guys. Take your time, and I know everything will be great!

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: queenbun
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 1:18am

You really hit the nail on the head there Shrimps. He's ready, I'm not quite there yet. Happily freaked is the perfect description of where I'm at. I am so tempted to just let go, just as West is cheering me to- but I know I have to take a bit more time. M will wait, if anything he'll be even more attentive. As far as he's concerned I'm all that and a bag of chips. I just feel I can't take that final step until I've gotten my X totally exorcised from my heart, after 30 years together I need more than the 3 years I've had to work through it. Moody's right, I've got some scars, they need a little more time to heal. I think what I have with M is serious enough to deserve a stable foundation. Well, as stable as I can manage with all the complexities of our respective steamer trunks of emotional baggage. Now that I think about it, I'm healing more quickly because I have M in my life.

I can just see us in a virtual kitchen with a nice bottle of wine having a girls talk and West going nuts,(can't you just see her jumping up and down?) Shrimpy being the calming voice of reason, and Moody shaking her head at what an uncharacteristically naieve dolt QB is being. Sure one can remain unattached and have great sex with a guy, but making love the way that man is making love to me? I'm going to be a goner very soon, good thing he's in CO all week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: queenbun
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 1:53am
LOL, yes, I know, I know. I just need a little more time to process the concept that it can be easy. I need to feel I have the big gorilla of my psycho X off my back, which should be accomplished later this week if my attorney succeeds in resolving this last stupid piece of his objection to the decree. Then that door will be closed and this new adventure can have something of a clean, reasonably stable foundation.
Being with someone who values the very things about me that I value in myself is a giant green flag, but I fear I'll stop being me, turn into a giddy love sick preteen. But not to worry, West. Like I wrote in the post to Shrimpy, I can't resist M's charms too much longer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: queenbun
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 3:57am

Its got to be hard - & I totally understand it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: queenbun
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 3:59am
I was thinking about you when I was reading her post!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: queenbun
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 4:02am

Ugh. Thanks for the reminder of how Carlos was sexually! Errrr! lol

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