Are we serious?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Are we serious?
18
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 3:38pm
I didn’t want to hijack Moody’s thread, but I’m feeling the same way; however, I’m in a relationship that is beyond the beginning stages. I do not know why I am getting so jittery and feeling like I need to run and hide. Maybe I’m slipping into over analyzing girl mode or something.
Anyway, after I got back from Paris I noticed M was more intense than usual. At first I figured, Hey, he really missed me. But now it’s become apparent he not only missed me, he’s been thinking about what it meant to him that he missed me as much as he did. We finally got to spend a significant amount of time together this weekend and got to talk about a number of things. One was M telling me about his entire romantic relationship history. He was pretty introspective about why things turned out the way they did in each case, and how he grew as a person and that led to the next relationship, ultimately to meeting me and being ready to appreciate that he was with me. Another was that our friends and family members are aware we’ve been together for 8 months and they seem to all be asking, “So, is it serious, any marriage plans?” (Even his wacky jealous X asked him that last week!) We seem to be on the same page on that subject, no desire for marriage anytime in the near future, and perhaps never- too complicated, the whole blended family thing, financial considerations, our screwy X’s. Yet, we both are open to the possibilty that over time we may change that opinion and feel ready for trying marriage again and definitely see one another as someone with whom we’d consider making that commitment. But in spite of his saying this, he has clearly stopped using “maybe” and “if” when talking about the future, instead he says “when we”.
I am trying to stay in the present, one day at a time, no burden of not living up to plans for the future. I just got comfortable being just me, not sure I’m ready to be one half of “we” again. Then again, I know I love this man, and for the first time, I am certain that the man I love loves me back. I know it’s more than the usual fear of getting hurt, I know I can survive that pain- BTDT, don’t want to experience it again- I’m also afraid if I take that final plunge, I’ll get all weird and clingy and drive M away.
Maybe I need to see my psychologist again. I’ve got some kind of trust issue here that needs to be worked on. Again, M shows me how perfect he is for me by being very understanding of my freaking out, knows it has nothing to do with him, just baggage from my disfunctional marriage. Maybe all he’s trying to tell me is that it’s OK that I’m commitment phobic right now, he loves me, there for me as I work through this stuff, and willing to wait til I’m ready for more.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
In reply to: queenbun
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 9:03am

You said:

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: queenbun
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 4:49pm

Thanks for chiming in, Rebecca. There is one big difference from your situation with Carlos, and I think it is key, M and I have been exclusive since about 3 weeks into this relationship. And I guess another important difference is that it is M who is ready for the next step, I don't have to guess or worry about his potential for commitment. That next step is more of a deeper emotional commitment than any kind of formal public acknowledgement of us as a couple. I was in my comfort zone just coasting, like Shrimpy said. And as Moody observed, we are already serious, just not on the marriage track yet. I just got a bit freaked out that M's feelings for me are as intense as they are. I'm not quite ready to risk my heart so completely and I could be wrong, but I don't think you are ready to take that risk yet either. It is great you got that wonderful experience with Carlos, I think you learned a lot about what you want, what you deserve in a relationship. But in my opinion, you may be doing more harm than good hanging on to your friendship with him. It will slow your healing process and make it more difficult to let another guy into your life. I know for me, healing from a lifetime with my psycho X is going to be a long process. M totally gets that. He's just letting me know it's totally OK, I am all he wants, all my baggage included.

We all deserve to be with a guy who totally gets the baggage thing, and isn't threatened by it. The guy has to be able to deal with the fact we have kids, and those kids come first. We all deserve to be with a guy who values us for what we value in ourselves. And we all deserve a guy who is ready to make a commitment to be with us exclusively. Don't ever settle for anything less, no matter how great the guy is in other areas.

I know how lucky I am to have found someone who is right for me and who knows I'm everything he ever wanted. He just fits, he's an easy guy for me to be close friends with, totally rocks my world in the chemistry/ physical intimacy area, and we share many interests without being total clones. Besides, he just e-mailed me that he's got a free evening (knows D3 is w/psycho dad tonight) and is flying home just to make time to be with me. He'll get in around the time my class ends. How can I possibly resist falling totally in love with this man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: queenbun
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 5:09pm

Well said, QB.

I just wanted to add that I think baggage is good when we can reflect and learn a lesson from it. It tempers us from being foolish. And it makes us who we are. I don't think M would appreciate you nearly as much if you were not a mom. And the situation with your exh enables you to understand the one with his exw and look so much better than her - it has taught you a lesson about people and bounaries.

M looks so much better than your exh now - and I believe that is because of your baggage/experiences. Imagine if you were 20 years ago - you might have picked your exh over M since your exh was becoming a doctor and stuff like that. But you have hindsight now.

As much as hindsight can seem frustrating to all of us - meaing trying to find a match in a sea of incompatible people and situations, it enables us to find a better match.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: queenbun
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 8:44pm

Maybe I missed something, but did you say you knew what it was that was making you so hesitant about a deeper commitment for you two? Alot of what you've said is about how great he is and how wonderful things are with you. And how you could just fall in love with him... but what is keeping you from just wrapping yourself up into that greatness with open arms? It's not like you just met and it's "too soon" (as in just a month or two together), right? I know 8 months isn't very long either, but it seems like you've spent plenty of time together in those 8 months to know each other pretty well.

We hear many stories of women here on the boards who would LOVE to have what you have- but yet you are still hesitant. I guess I'm just trying to understand why, and I'm sorry if I'm being waaay too nosy.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: queenbun
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 10:17pm
Just to clarify, I wasnt at all comparing what you guys have to what we had, or saying my relationship was liekly even close ... there are MAJOR differences ... obviously, since you are WITH him

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: queenbun
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 2:28am

1. Because the relationship will matter to me on a whole other level, a pretty much permanent level. I will do whatever is necessary to make it work. I won't see those yellow and red flags that may suddenly pop up. After my X, I am being super cautious.

2. I haven't completely gotten my X out of my system. He can still totally upset me, takes a lot more than it used to, but I need more time to build that distance. I don't want him back by any means, I'm just not quite past the anger part. M also isn't quite done with resolving his issues with his X. We have plenty of time to get there, help each other get there.

3. I might get all squirrelly, start acting like a love sick preteen.

4.I'm overly analytical by nature, I'm totally over thinking everything having to do with relationships because I failed the first go round.

I'm Not so freaked out now, it'll all work out if it's supposed to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: queenbun
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 8:37am

Thanks QB!

I can surely understand the whole issue with the exes. I remember when my ex used to still get me all worked up with his stupid antics, and it would get in the way with my being stable and happy with wanting to and trying to have a relationship. Especially when part of his antics included griping about whoever I was dating and about my trying to "replace him" as a Dad in the kids' lives. Ugh on that time of my life!!!!

But now that he's backed off and chilled out (and remarried himself)- I can look back and see just how much all that really did get in the way of being able to have a good relationship and moving on. It really is hard if there is still a Toxic Ex in the picture, although we can't ever get rid of the presence of an ex. But that Toxic one is just awful.

I think you're being smart in examining the details of what you listed- because I know I'd do the same, and after NOT examining those important points the first time around. I know that once I am faced with a potential marriage again, I will probably be doing that exact same "happily freaked" dance!

I also think it'll all work out okay for you as time moves on. From what you've posted now and in the past, I don't see any huge flags (of any color) and I think you guys will be fine. :-)

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: queenbun
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 10:51am
I know exactly how you feel - this reminds me of when I found the most perfect job and sent off my resume. You know it is a good thing - but you also know it is life-changing and a big step.

Pages