Are we..........exclusive????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Are we..........exclusive????
6
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 5:17pm
I want to talk to my guy about being exclusive, but not sure the best way to bring it up. I feel awkward bringing it up, like he would look at me and say 'you actually think I would be dating someone else?', and be insulted. I don't want to date anyone else. He lets me know everything he is doing, let me know where to find a key to his place. It's just that we don't get to spend a lot of time together, so I don't feel like a 'girlfriend'. I feel like a relationship dummy sometimes. I married my high school boyfriend, divorced him at 26, have dated for the last couple of years, & this is the first guy I want a relationship with since divorce. I guess I get a little nervous that I am going to scare him off - even though I don't think it will. I think he will look at me and say 'I wouldn't even think of dating anyone but you'. But here I am - still wondering how to bring it up. Please give me tips on how to bring it up and best things to say, or just share your stories of when you had the talk. I have never had to talk to anyone about being exclusive, but want to soooo bad!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 8:59pm
I would wait to bring it up for when he wants sex. Also, all fun aside, you can wait for a good time to bring it up - that is - you are both in a good mood, getting along, time for talking. Ask him what he wants out of this relationship - what he expects. That is a good broad question and then you can delve deeper.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 11:31am
A little more background, we have dated for about 5 months. We already are having sex. In the beginning I knew exclusive was to much to ask, but I am so ready for it now. I guess I should just ask him so I am not sitting here wondering. Then sometimes I think I don't ask because I might not hear what I want to hear and that would break my heart, so maybe it's better to let him bring it up. I have not introduced my children/him yet. Want to make sure he isn't just passing through before I let my kids meet him. I really want to talk about it, but chicken out thinking he's not ready for it. I'm just looking for some input from single mothers that have been through the same thing. Has anyone been surprised by the answer they got? Thinking the guy wouldn't think of dating anyone else, when in fact they weren't ready to commit.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 11:40am
Well you get all sorts of men. Those that don't care if you have kids or not and don't want a relationship, or do.

Those that think your in a relationship on the first date. Others that don't think your exclusive after a year.

I could go on and on and on about what type of men are out their,but I might make you panic even more. LOL.

That isn't the point now. What you want is advice. So here's my two cents:

Start asking him if he would be ready to like to do something with your child/children. Or

Come straight out and say, you know, I really like you and we've been dating for almost half a year. I have decided that your special to me and I don't want to date anyone else. How do you feel about that? Would you like to date anyone else or can I assume this is a relationship?

Ok, sounds corny, but I would just come straight out, take a deep breath, and don't play any guessing games.

Let us know what you decided. By the way: Welcome to the Board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 2:01pm
5 months, I would just ask him. He let you knwo where the key to his place was well he's not worried about you catching him with someone else then.

I wouldn't worry too much but being upfront and asking directly what you want to know thats your best bet.

My take on it is he's been exclusive for awhile, if he's a good guy he wouldn't get mad at you, most likely he'll get a good laugh and say of course ;)

Good luck

Stefanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:24pm
Thanks for your replies. I'm pretty sure he isn't dating anybody else, I just want to hear it from him without me directly asking. Good luck with that, right?!

I've been careful about getting too close or attached to someone. I would love to have a relationship - but I only let men get so close. I have my home life and kids all to myself, and we are happy right now. It will be tough for me to let someone else in to that. I really don't want my kids getting attached to someone who will leave us, their dad already did that a couple years ago. I don't need them going through that again.

Me and CB (my guy) did talk about how I felt as far as him meeting my kids after a couple dates. I told him he was dating me, not my kids. And not to be rude, but it would be a long time before he ever met them. I would have to be sure we had something before I would make him a part, even a little part of my kids' lives. He was glad to hear me say that, he felt the same way and respected me for the way I was raising me kids.

I do know he likes kids. He is constantly talking about his married friends kids, and nephews he has. Told me how sometimes being around them makes him ache for a family of his own. But him also being divorced (37 & no children) he doesn't want to do it the wrong way again.

Saturday night we both have tickets for a college hockey game. I am taking my oldest son who is 8 and CB will be there with a friend. Ends up our seats are fairly close to each other. So most likely he will be meeting my son for the first time.

I'll keep you posted on how that goes. I really like the postings and advise everyone gives here. I would love to be a part of it.

Sorry this is so long, but just wanted to say that CB called me here at work while I was writing this (how ironic) to say he was missing me a little bit and would call me when he got home. That's all he had time to say, but it made me feel so good that I wanted to share.

Thanks for the advice

Stacy

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:37pm
Hi Stacy

Just adding a late welcome, and a hello. I hope you will stick around with the great ladies (and gents now and then) on this board and get to know us. We would love to have you here. Also, there is a chat starting up tomorrow night (Tues) at 9 pm EST for this board. If you click on the link near the top right of the front page of our board, you'll get there. Hope you can make it.

I think it sounds like CB assumes you have this exclusivity already. I agree, he wouldn't be telling you where his house key is if there was anyone else. He sounds like a nice guy and you sound very level-headed. See how the hockey thing goes and how he does meeting your son. I think it's about time you just told him how you feel.

Hugs

Tara