Are you dating for the wrong reasons?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Are you dating for the wrong reasons?
12
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 8:54pm

I have been developing this article for some time - based on my own experiences and those from various dating boards here at ivillage - and wanted to share before I go away for next week.

Perhaps you have thoughts and wish to add or discuss or even disagree with my points. Or perhaps you can use this list to help you better your life so you find the right person you deserve.

Are you dating for the wrong reasons?
If you are lonely, bored, broke or mad at your ex, you may put yourself on a path to meet the wrong person. You won't be at your very best so you won't be able to go slow and make a good decision. You will settle out of desperation. He may have major red flags that will cause problems down the road. Use this list to see if you have to work on any of these areas.

- you are really bored - if this is the case, work on developing interests, socializing and building life goals. If you are really bored, a date is not going to fill in the gap. Emotional neediness often results in settling for the wrong person. It puts blinders on you and causes you to overlook big red flags. It makes you rush a relationship too fast - and this can result in you being dumped or making a bad choice instead of taking your time to slowly fit time for dating into an already good life.

- you are really lonely - try to make more time for yourself; get involved more in your community; get your life so good that you are NOT lonely

- you want to make your ex jealous - you need to settle issues with your ex and your feelings about him before you can move on to someone else

- you really miss sex - this is hard for singles, but you really have to put the idea of sex aside and work on finding someone who wants the same thing as you and hopefully this is a committed long term monogamous relationship. Start reading some good relationship books so you can understand the importance of WAITING when it comes to sex.

- you are broke and overwhelmed with bills - develop a budget; think about your career and how you can be financially independent - how can you bring in more money doing what you like?

- you need a dad for your kids - your kids need you to be happy and find someone stable more than they need someone to play dad; perhaps you can do more to get positive male role models in their life while you are on the path to bettering yourself and finding a suitable mate. Remember - your kids don't date - you do!

- all your friends are married - SO WHAT! Seriously - this is not a reason to run out and find a date. Laci Peterson was not better off married. Use this time as a single person wisely and get things done that your married friends don't have time for.

- you don't have any friends - this is something you have to work on - you won't find them while you are home watching TV and doing laundry - put on a smile and greet everyone you meet. Strike up a conversation in the dentist's office, the grocery store and the gas station.

- you need help with the yard, car or house - hire a handiman or start taking lessons at home depot; find inexpensive ways to fix things and keep them maintained so you have fewer problems. How many husbands really do their "honey-do" list anyway? ;-)

- it would be great to have a room mate or someone to live with - if you really need help with the bills, consider a college student or someone you can trust

- now that you are divorced you feel you need someone for financial stability for your future - you really have to get financial stability on your own if you want to find it

I hope this helps! Have a great week - I will check in when I can and Alison will take great care of you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 11:57am

I would add another one:


- If you have a lot of drama with your ex, if custody is unsettled and your children are not in a routine yet after separating/divorcing, focus on doing what you can do reduce the drama, resolving custody disputes, and getting you and your children settled and comfortable with the post-separation/divorce routine.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 1:02pm

Judy,


What a great post!


I totally agree that if you're bored, lonely or financially unstable, those aren't the "right" reasons to be dating.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 5:18pm

I would add that some women date because they want more children. When I went through my divorce, all of my married friends were still having babies. I had one child and then we separated when our son was 5 months old. I got lapped by everybody else. My friends went on to have 2 or 3 kids (one had 4). I did suffer from some baby envy for a few years.

I don't mean to say that wanting more kids is bad thing and shouldn't be a goal, but some women do let the drive to be a mom again overwrite their common sense when it comes to choosing a mate.

This idea probably fits in with what you said about "all your friends are married"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 6:16pm

Tricia,


I understand about the baby thing.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 10:41pm

Good points, Jennie. I think I have been in the same boat where I didn't really know what a healthy relationship is. I always did way too much and worried more about the other person than myself. And I never understood the process of courtship and the concept that not all men are looking for the same thing I am looking for.

It took me a while to work on all of those steps myself - and I am a much different person now than when I first started dating.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 10:45pm

AGREED! The ticking clock has to be turned off - the more important thing is to find someone that is right for you. I have certainly had to cope with this myself and have come to grips with it.

Maybe this is what helped my decision for a puppy!! ;-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 10:49pm

Thanks, Alison. I like and agree with your point on the biological parent being the disciplinarian.

I think that since I have worked on all of these things I have gotten more picky and would be able to see and reject red flags much better now. I don't "need" a boyfriend but know it would be nice to have one for the companionship and friendship and then see what happens from there.

It is a great relief to have finished all of those things. I think the loneliness, especially on the weekends without DS was the hardest.

BTW - this message is coming to you from my dorm room in NY. I had a nice trip here and stopped to visit some old friends from school. Tomorrow I start research in the morning and then class in the afternoon. I just found out the test I have to take in December will be very hard.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 9:21am
How do you put the idea of sex aside? I agree with all the other suggestions, it's easy to cure boredom or to cure loneliness or financial troubles or get over an ex or hire a handyman, but unfortunately for most people, it's just not possible, it's possible to be abstinent of course, but not to put the idea of sex aside if you are a normal person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 9:13pm

That's what the multi- billion dollar sex toy industry is for...


:)

Alison, mom to Nicolas


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 6:51am

Alison has a good answer!!

Seriously, I meant that INITIALLY sex takes a back seat to finding the right person and getting to know someone and what they want as far as a relationship is concerned. I don't consider it a part of the casual dating process IF you are really intent on finding the right person for you.

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