Argghhh! I hate men!
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:49pm |
Okay, so I posted yesterday about breaking up with bf, and we work together. Today he emailed me asking about how I want to get the my stuff at his house. And he gave me the "speech" about how he hopes we can be friends and I'm special and he's sorry he couldn't be the man I expected him to be. As if he broke up with me! Gag me. I'm already starting to wonder what I ever saw in him. He isn't even that good looking to me anymore, and I used to fawn over him like he was a God...disgusting!
And we work in a small office and our core group of friends all work there too. I mean, my entire social life revolved around bf, so I'm not only breaking up with him, but I'm giving up my social life, too, because they were all his friends first and he's sort the leader of the pack. This morning a friend asked me if I was going to lunch with them today and since bf has asked me not to say anything to anyone (he's very private), I had to lie! I tried to tell the friend that I just didn't want to go and he kept pressing on, asking me why, so I just said that I'm trying to watch what I eat. I hate it that I have to play it his way and ruin my friendships.
Also, my boss decided to move my desk today (just one cubicle over, still not far from xbf..<>) so I had to clean out my old desk. Of course, I found all the sweet emails from the beginning of our relationship, when it was good. That was so hard to do. But then I dug deeper and found print outs of all the bank transfers I made online when I had to transfer money out of my savings account because of all the money I was spending going out with him (I paid for at least half of everything we did together, even though he makes way more than me and I'm a single mom). So that made me feel better. If anything, at least I'll save a little bit of money.
Still, I will never never never never never date someone I work with again. Never never.

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever gotten was "and this too shall pass". The only other comment is WTF? You had to pay for half of everything you did together?!?! EXCUSE ME! You are a single Mom! Not sure about you, but I don't have a money tree growing in my yard. I have tried to pay for things when my bf and I do stuff. He won't let me. (it took some getting used to)
Good riddance! What a loser!!
Stephanie
Edited 6/28/2006 3:02 pm ET by texas_mom1991
I can totally relate to the no dating men you work with bit.
I had this job that I started immediately after I had my daughter and it was a great job.
Sure the pay kinda sucked, but there was a lot of room advancement which was what I was after, but 6 months into that job one of the managers asked me to go out for coffee. he new I was a single mother and didn't get out much and thought it would be great for us to go out and to bring along the daughter so he could meet her.
Well one thing led to another and we decided to start dating, no he was a manager and he was also a "comedian" and so everyone there had a lot of respect for him and thought he was great. We started hanging out with some of "his" friends from work which while we were dating was great. So after only about 6 months of dating we decided to take a trip together just to get away from all the stories and rumours that always float around work when people are dating.
Soon after our trip we decided to move away and get new jobs and just get away from it all. However he decided to transfer to a sister company that we worked for, and I decided that working together and living was not a great idea and therefore I did not take the job at the same place as he did.
I found a wonderful job, one in the IT field which is what I had been looking for and I was making good money, better money then him and he was resentful about that. For some reason he thought men had to make more money and if not then you just can't be with that person. We had no issues at all between us, only the financial part..... That's why he was angry when I didn't take the job working where he was, if i had have done that he could have tracked my wages.... nice eh?
So needless to say I told him to accept it for else I was leaving.. and well he was all for the leaving part.
Being a single mom and all, I decided to move back to my home town which is where I had met him, all of my family and friends were here so it just made sense.
I got offered my job back at the place I had originally met him, but I only lasted 2 weeks because all of "his" friends were so against me and thought I was a horrible person and why, because I made more money then him!
Does this reasoning make sense to anyone out there??
OMG Lostbee! Are we twins?
No, seriously though... I went through this EXACT situation close to a year ago... Aug/Sept 2005.... I still work with him, indirectly now luckily (but it took close to a year before I was completely "away")... I am SO with you on the never, ever, ever again date someone from work! It's so easy to do this because you build a rapport with the people at work... But what I learned the hard way, as I'm sure you did too, is that people's appearance/behavior at work is VERY different from their private life!
I was also in the same situation, where I came in as a new person at work and kind of "joined" his group of friends/coworkers and went out to lunch with all of them... The thing I found the hardest in that the relationship was literally a 24/7 of seeing each other... Hard to digest in the early stages of getting to know someone... and also having to keep our "personal" lives from affecting our work performance as well as office gossip and not being able to tell people about our significant others or our weekend (because they were sometimes there too)...etc..etc..
I can tell you it might get harder in the short term because it's "fresh"... like expect him to be childish, bitter, resentful (since you broke up with him as I did too)... But try your best to maintain a cool exterior appearance... Be polite, professional and make sure you do not, I repeat DO NOT e-mail him anything personal during office hours... EVEN if it's on your personal email! Trust me on this! Business is business and try to be the bigger and more professional individual... It will fall on him and look bad on him if he's acting like a baby and you are super calm and collected... If he is anything like my ex, he might get immature and laugh with his "friends", walk by you on their way to lunch and look at you, trying anything to make you feel bad... The operative word here is "make"... He can't make you feel anything you don't want to feel... so don't let him get your goat!!!
Now for the positive... My coping strategies was getting myself away from the work environment during lunch (going to the gym helped WONDERS! And made me feel less lonely now that I wasn't part of the lunch bunch anymore), if you can't go to the gym... put on some running shoes and take a brisk walk outside with headpones on... Also take several "walks" during the day to get away from your desk...
I made my office HR move his cube away from me... but I could still hear him on the phone... So I got some headphones and listened to some empowering music for example, Sarah Connor's "Bounce".
I know it can be a little intimidating to find new friends.... I especially felt that way at first and now that I am older I feel more self-conscious than I used to when I was in my early 20's... but look around and see if someone is eating alone... Or someone from another company in an office nearby (not sure how you office is set up, I know you mentioned you were a small company) and see if you can join a new group for lunch... I did this now, and that helped a lot...
I also did the same as you... I made sure to cut ties with his group because they will take his side, and no matter what I would say wouldn't help... Just do like you are doing and say that you are busy and thank them for asking... eventually it will leak out and they will realize you are no longer together... He knows he is in the wrong and since you broke up with him that's why he wants to keep it "private"
I hear you also on me paying my share half on everything we did.... but try not to focus on those things... Just look to the future... stay with your feelings on what you ever saw in him! haha I'm there too! Sometimes we let someone's potential (office self vs private self) cloud our thinking that we've misjudged someone... but hey! We learn!
If I can think of any other coping strategies... I'll post again... Also I went back to counseling as a way to talk about him and get things off my chest during the day so I could come back to work and feel better... THAT REALLY HELPED!!!
Stay strong! You sound like you are doing good!
PoolDiva
You ladies are so awesome! Thank you so much! "This too shall pass" is a line in one of my favorite Matchbox Twenty songs and I've been listening to it a lot these past few days. At one point I was close to tears while at work, so I just kept repeating that mantra until the urge to cry passed. And Missy, OMG, what a horror story! I'm so sorry for what you had to go through and I wish I'd heard your story 8 months ago - it may have prevented me from even getting in this mess. But, it really isn't as bad as I feared. Everybody now knows, via office gossip. xBf told his best friend and it leaked out to everyone else. At least I wasn't the one to spill the beans. And they are all treating me as if nothing happened. I don't know if I'll be invited anywhere, but at least things are okay at work. I think everyone feels bad for us because they all know how in love we were. I've been getting a lot of caring looks and people coming by my cube. We were sort of the mom and dad of the department - that couple that was made for each other and would be together forever. <<>>
As for xbf, we are cool with each other. We've had several awkward conversations, but we aren't avoiding each other and at least we are talking. Sometimes when I walk by his office he looks me in the eye and it kills me. He looks genuinely upset. This morning we rode down the elevator together so I could get my stuff out of his truck and we both just sort of looked at each other and smiled, remembering all the times we'd sneak into the elevator to make out.
I'm just smiling a lot and holding my head high. So far xbf has held me in very high regard and is taking the high road as well, which really sucks because it makes me question my decision. He even stuck up for me today when there was a problem with a work decision I made. But I know that breaking up with him was the right thing to do. I would just really love to hate him right now. But I am still so hopelessly in love with him I don't know if I'm strong enough to stay away when I have to see him every day.
Thank God I found this board - you guys are going to keep me strong. Thanks again :)
Well, it sounds like you are both doing as good as you can with the situation. I like the idea of going to the gym during lunch as something new to do.
I am glad you are both taking the high road and that you really see him for what he is worth.
Hopefully you get some time off for the long weekend coming up and when you have to go back you will be more fresh and close to having this be a blurp on the radar screen instead of a major issue.
Hi Pooldiva,
I forgot to thank you in my last post (posting at work with xbf in range - NOT a good idea! Had to rush :) I appreciate the tips and I'm glad to know you've been there and have gotten through it. I like the idea of going to the gym at work, too. My gym is right across the street and it'll be a good way to blow off steam. Plus, vamping up my workout routine and looking good is the best revenge I can think of!
Thanks again! :o)