article living together vs. marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
article living together vs. marriage
16
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 10:31am

http://www.loveadvice.com/ARTICLES/MARRIAGE.HTM


thought it was a interesting read--


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:23pm
The article was interesting to read. Although I don't agree with much of it. But that's just my own opinion. I have always been a bit of a free bird though. ;)

MY OPINION:

I think it is perfectly ok to live together before you get married. Infact, I consider it a requirement for myself. I don’t believe you can truly know someone well enough to commit to them for the rest of your life without living with them first. I married my ex-husband without living with him first and I will never make that mistake again. Children or no children.

The happiness, health and success of my relationship and how it affects my child and his children, in my opinion, far outweighs any impact they might have from the negative stigma of “living together” and having to explain it to other people. Our kids are growing up in a society where they are always going to be expected to justify when their situation doesn’t meet with the status quo…it’s a lesson in sticking up for what is yours and what you believe in and not letting what others think of you effect how you feel about yourself.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 12:35pm

I know you're not hurting my feelings.


I hope one of the good things about this community is that we can come on here and express our opinions and be respectful enough to listen to others' opinions even when they aren't the same as ours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 2:51pm
I read the article too. No feelings were hurt. It IS an article slanted towards discouraging couples from living together, so ofcourse it is going to focus on all the negative aspects. But honestly, not all couples who live together are doing it for the same reasons...so one can only do what they feel is right for them at that given time.

There was one statement in the article that made me raise an eyebrow though:

"Right now, you are testing each other to see if you are compatible. If either of you slips up, the test is over, and you are out the door. Marriage doesn't work that way. Slip-ups don't end the marriage, they just end the love you have for each other."

What is that suppose to mean? If the love you have for eachother ends, then oh well? too bad? You're stuck in a loveless marriage? I don't really get that.

Anyway...Here is a link to an article that I think presents a very balanced view on the situation:

http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap10/chap10f.htm


Edited 7/21/2004 2:57 pm ET ET by orange_clouds

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 6:24am
Thanks for your message/response. I have read many of that author's books. I think what he is trying to say is that when you live together you are just testing compatibility versus when you get married (and hopefully follow his rules for staying in love and compatibility) you work to build compatibility and resolve issues about living together and make it work to stay in love.

That one article doesn't really give enough info to explain all of that - but his writing on how to keep a marriage happy is very good. I know if I read his books before marriage that I probably would not have picked my former husband and would not be divorced.

For example, he says that a couple should have a policy of joint agreement. That is, neither person should have happiness at the expense of the happiness of the other. If there is something one spouse really wants to do, but the other doesn't like it, then the couple has to work this out so they are both happy. It seems hard at first but as time goes it gets easier to keep considering each other's feelings and happiness and you learn to create win win situations.

Your article does bring valid points and present the other view - thanks for sharing it.

I guess the bottom line is that you have to know the other person and really trust them to be able to work on the relationship and not take you for granted. Some may choose to live with them first and some may not. That is why this board is so much fun. I love to hear the different perspectives and stories here.

As for me, I have lived with men in the past and did not marry them as the result. I learned a lot by living with them. But now I feel more wise and while I would let them spend the night with me or at their place I would not consider a permanent living together situation without a ring. But that is just me.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 9:12am

The one thing I definitely have to agree with in this article is that it says if living together goes against your religious or personal beliefs than don't do it, it's not for everyone.


So true.


:)


T

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 11:02am

Just thought I'd chime in and say thanks for posting that article. I've spent a LOT of time at that website. I agree with most all of what he has to say and have considered buying his books. Makes a lot of logical sense to me.


To each his own. I haven't said much about this topic, but have just read along, because I love everyone here so much and I hated the idea of anyone thinking I disagreed with their choices in living situation.


My DH and I had the opportunity (and it made good "Sense" to a lot of people we knew) to move in together before we got married. I got a housing situation that was out of my reach, financially speaking, because we were getting married in a few months and that is when the house was available. So, he helped me pay for it and hung out a lot and we started moving his things in. BUT, he stayed with his grandmother till after the wedding. We got a lot of raised eyebrows. People thought it was silly. BUT...we have a son. And

Becky

 

 

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