Baby or Relationship?
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 02-28-2007 - 4:09am |
I've been dating a divorced man with an 11 year old daughter that means the world to him. We live about 25 min from each other. For at least the past 4 years he hasn't dated much and his life revolved around this little girl. He had a terrible divorce 10 years ago and still has frequent unpleasant dealings with the ex. Understandably so, he is afraid to get married again but not opposed to it someday but he doesn't want anymore children. I've never been married and have no children but I haven't decided if I want to be childless forever. My time is running out due to my age and I have 2 male friends who are willing to father my child if I decide to have one. I can financially support myself and a child but I would have to leave my current boyfriend. He wants nothing to do with a baby whether or not it's his. When we first met he said he was open to it but now he says he's done and doesn't want to start over with child rearing. He has many hobbies so he's very busy.
The man I would consider having a child with lives in Utah and I live in CA. He's very nice, intelligent, attractive, financially independent but we've never had a romantic relationship. We just talk on the phone a lot. I met him online about a year and a half ago and we met once in person and were very attracted to each other but decided that a long distance relationship was a bad idea so we never pursued anything beyond a friendship. Since I've mentioned having a baby on my own before, he now says he's willing to father my child and if a relationship develops that would be fine but if not he knows that I would be a wonderful mother and he's willing to pay for college. He divorced 3 years ago and is very guarded but wants to have children of his own and someday remarry. We have a contract that we would have notarized and reviewed by lawyers regarding parental rights and many other details to protect ourselves.
Anyway, I'm sad because I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I can get pregnant because I'm 40 but I'm afraid that if I give up the chance to have a child just to be with this guy that I've only dated for 5 months, I may regret it.
I've talked to my current boyfriend about this but he says it's my decision but if I choose to have a child we can't be together but he would still be my friend.
The guy from Utah wants to get together so we can get to know each other in person and he invited me to Vegas for a weekend because he'll be there on a business trip. He's a perfect gentleman so I know it's not about sex. I'm so confused. Any advice?

Hi there! I think the first good sign is that you're taking your boyfriend at his word. You know that if he's saying he doesn't want more children, he doesn't want more children. Raising one on your own is tough, but well worth it. We have at least one poster here to has chosen that route. I think the rest of us fell into it, but in all honesty, in many ways it's easier to raise them alone.
I think whether you choose to have the man from Utah father your child or not, if you know you want one there are many options available. I can't say to give up the man you're with, but you really need to think about what would make you happy. Being childless forever is all well and good, but only if YOU want that. What happens in five or ten years when it's too late for you and the relationship fizzles out? You'll live with regret forever if a child is something you really want.
I think you know that you want a child, and you know that your boyfriend doesn't want anymore. I'm not sure I'd choose the guy from Utah, but that's your call. I'm sure the other ladies will chime in here, too....
Moody, who'd choose a child
Powered by CGISpy.com
Hi! Don't rule out anything. Even if you can't have a biological child adoption is a wonderful option. I have three children all through the miracle of adoption and love them as much as my grown biological son. (however I wouldn't recommend three that was not what I had planned) My children were all adopted through the foster care system and are wonderful. One came as an infant and the other two were preschool age. They are very close in age and close to each other. I had not planned on doing this on my own but it does get easier as they get older and more independant. Also my rules are what I make and I don't have to discuss it with anyone else.
Being a single parent is difficult but not impossible. Most days the good outways the bad. YOu should have a good support network in place (friends and/or family) Every new mom needs help.
I hope I have been helpful.
Good luck with you decision.
Priscilla
I understand what you are saying. If you asked me, I would choose a child any day over an SO. Not that they have to be mutually exclusive, but in this world it is not always easy to find an SO who is husband/father material before our clocks run out.
The point is that you have to do what is best for you. If the guy you are with doesn't want kids that is fine, but if you really do, that desire is not going to go away - only bring regret.
Like the other poster said, adoption is always an option. I know so many good success stories that if I wanted another child I would go that route. To me, that is easier than going through the whole pregnancy thing and having the sticky mess of a bio father somewhere else. But then again, a bio dad has advantages like support and a backup plan if something happens to you.
Whatever you decide, I wish you well. Keep us posted!!
What a tough situation! I had my DD on my own (anonymously) at 40, 6.5 yrs ago. I stopped dating as soon as I made the decision, because I didn't want to "accidently" get pg w/someone who I wasn't 100% sure about and, it was easier to focus on myself w/o having a man to pay attention to. I was very lucky that it didn't take long. I suggest you check out Single Mothers by Choice (based in NY). There are books about it also, with advice on having known/unknown donors or pursuing adoption. I do remember that no contracts can hold up in court, because fathers have the right to change their mind after the baby is born. (an ex-boyfriend of mine sued his ex girlfriend for joint custody and won! That is what prevented me from pursuing a known donor). It was/is challenging, but I have a good support system, picked out guardians before my DD was born, saved a lot of $ (which is now gone...). I do think it has been easier, and less stressful for both of us, for me to raise her on my own. I've also been very pleasantly surprised by the reaction of the men I have dated.
Just curious, why don't you try to pursue a long-distance thing w/the guy in Utah? Just give it a month or two (I guess while you are still seeing your boyfriend). Relocation may be easy compared to having a baby on your own....
If you want a child, I would give up the 5-month relationship. He does not want more children and that will not change.
However, I would not have a child with the Utah guy. You would be better off getting an unknown donor. I actually considered doing the same thing after my marriage broke up and I wanted another child. I also looked seriously into adoption.
The Utah guy could make your life a living hell with litigation and you really do not know him very well at all. Not a good deal. Too risky.
Good luck. Stick around.
I am so grateful for all your responses. You have no idea how much it helps to hear what you have to say. I also appreciate everyone sharing their stores and their experiences because I don't feel alone. I will definitely keep you all posted on what I decide to do. I've lost sleep over this and hope I end up making the right decision.
Thank you again