Back Sliding
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| Sat, 02-11-2006 - 1:00am |
I don't understand some of the things that I do. I do know that I'm not very happy with how things are with my personal/love life right now and it's starting to wear on me.
I back slided when it came to "crush." Last week he came to where I was and started talking and flirting with me. One thing led to another and I left with him. As always, we talked for hours before anything physical happened. It was sweet, but bitter-sweet in a lot of ways. I was doing perfectly fine until I went home with him the first time a few weeks ago. I've single handedly opened a huge can of worms and one horrific heartache. I've thought a lot about this and I do honestly believe that I'm in love with this guy. For what reason, I'm not sure.
Last night 3 of my friends and me went bowling. One of my friends happened to be a guy friend. Well..crush was there and ended up getting a little jealous. He kept coming around me and getting close and then eyeing up my guy friend (he's a friend from school). So, after our evening of bowling was over we, with the exception of my guy friend, decided to go out to the bar for ladies night. I figured why not since my exh has dd. Well..one of my girl friends asked crush if he was gonna go and he said no. Then he came up to me and asked me what I was gonna do. I told him that I was going to the bar and he should come have a beer with me. He smiled really big and said that he would be there as soon as his game was through. Okay. I was floored. But an hour and a half later rolls by and he calls me. He tells me that he's really tired and that he wasn't coming. He said that he just wanted to call and tell me that b/c he didn't want me to be mad at him, etc. So, by this time, I've had some drinks, I'm not drunk, but I'm not totally sober either. So, I throw myself at him over the phone. Pathetic, right?
Anyway...he tells me that I'm just using him for sex. How did he EVER come to that conclusion? I've slept with him twice, made reference to a third time last night, but that's it. It's not that I'm using him or that I even want to use him. It's just that I want to be near him so badly. I have such strong feelings for him and I don't know what to do about it. I know that I should just stop thinking about him, stop wanting to see him, stop answering my messages when he texts me or calls, but I can't for some reason. I'm causing this heartache and it stinks.
Maybe I'm just some silly girl still reeling from the aftermath of a love gone wrong with my exh. Maybe I do love crush. Maybe I don't know what I want and I'm just lonely and looking for some type of companionship. Maybe b/c I feel somewhat comfortable w/ crush that I'm just turning to him when I really shouldn't be. All I really know is that I feel incredibly stupid right now and I always end up doing this to myself when it comes to him. It's time for it to stop - I just have to find the strength to end it somehow.
Kait

Kait,
You're vulnerable and lonely right now, not stupid.
I think that for whatever reason you feel a strong connection with the crush. Otherwise he would not be a crush. This is further made more intense because you were intimate with him. BUT as you have found through discussion he is not feeling or wanting the same thing as you. I think that when you see him you get your hopes up because of his childish games (read male ego) and the chemistry between you.
I think you just have to accept the way he feels and move on and not give him any more time or attention or intimacy. This is a dead end for you.
You have to visualize that you can and will find a relationship where the man wants you and wants to be with you and respects you and has an open heart for you.
Alison is right - just give this time and then you will realize that he is not for you and you can do so much better.
Sometimes we all need a little backsliding before we slide in on the home run. Don't beat yourself up over this.
HUGS!
He came into work tonight w/ his friend and his friend's wife. I waved and said hi from a distance. I found myself near his table when I had to follow another server to help her take some food out. I just smiled and said...my goodness, i've been trying to get out of here for an hour. He smile and said, they're never gonna let you leave.
That was it.
I waved at him when I clocked out, but I don't think he saw me. I didn't go over to his table to talk, I didn't look at him, I just did my work and got out of there so I could go home.
A big - no, a huge - part of me wanted to go talk to him so badly. But...I didn't.
He knew when he came in to eat that I would be there...i think he did it on purpose for some reason. I don't know...I hope I didn't hurt his feelings by not talking, but what should i care anyways.
It took everything i had to just leave it alone, and i did.
Maybe this is a start - a very small start to closing the chapter on him.
Kait
Hmmmmmm. Hard to say what that guy wants, but I would definitely try to stay as cool as possible. Don't stop at his table or say Hi next time; let him make or show effort. He's just trying to act cool and he is just trying to be a show off and act like the manly stud just because you like him. Jerk.
Give him extra room and let him make the move.
I totally agree, Cat!