To be or not to be.....long ..
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 01-26-2007 - 9:52am |
I currently am dating someone...
and am having some kind of issues. Chris is older than I am (like I am half his age plus three Years) He has been divorced three times. Has a son that just turned 14. He also in his past has had some dependancy issues with Drugs (he's been clean for just over 9 years)
I have brought the subject up about the future. Chris and I will have been dating for 1 year in April. I have asked him what he sees in the future for us. His reply I don't know. he has told me a few months after we started dating that he was not emotionally attached but loves to spend time with me and my kids.
here it is approaching our one year and I have become more attached to him but have kept gaurded. we are at the point in our relationship that if he (or I) does not call everyday it's ok. Usually we talk at least once a day.
My goal is that I eventually want to get married (never have been) and have one more baby. He does not see to want to have anymore kids. However he makes the statement to me all the time we can do what ever you want as long as you are happy. What about him what does he want to do what can I do for him to make him happy?
I recently found out about soemoene that I work with that is interested in me and he is closer to my age and has a daughter that is a year younger than my daughter. The kids have met and get along great. He recently let me knwo that he was available. I have to admit that he seems a little more in my "League" than Chris.
Even though more and more each day I wish that Chris would be more serious and atleast seem that he wanted to marry me with me . I have invested almost 1 year of my life in chris but it seems as we have kept each other at arms length till just recently at christmas time when we wnet to my company christmas party and he saw the side of my life that he had not seen and in turn I went with him to one of his functions and saw a side of his life that I had not seen. I admit that I felt more in to his life than just (a person to "have around") He also admitted that he felt more let in to my life ,but he admitted this to a friend of mine not me. My friend had a legnthy conversation with him one day when she stopped at his shop to get her oil changed. She has told me to just give it time. and that she thinks that he is scared because he has been divorced three times and the last one kind of scared him a little. I don't know if she means as in afraid he can't be a good husband or that he thinks I'll cheat on him. (His previous ex wife cheeted on him for 2 years and they were married for 4.)
Anyhow Gals any advise on what should be done. Do I just need to let it go a little longer and see what happens, or do I need to lay my cards on the table and I know I cannot not demand he marry me but,I can make a resoultion to my self that this is where I want to be in X years and if I can't achieve this with him to move on by a certian day. (I don't know if you guys saw the Dr phil show the other day about relationships and her trying to force him to marry her... Dr. Phil says that you cannot force him to do so but can make a resolve to her self that she is going to move on by XX date if he is going to choose to marry her or not . ) basically throw the ball in his court. I have hyaving to force any one especially a man to make his own decisions.
Whew that was a long one....

Sweetie, I could not help but want to just respond and say dump this man and get over him from reading your first couple of paragraphs.
His past history is tarnished at best. He doesn't want kids. And you are upset because HE doesn't see a future with YOU or want a marriage with YOU?????
I want to hug you and say you are so good - way too good for this old clunker. Find someone who will bring a lot more to your table and want to be with you.
Not only is this one a poor gamble for any kind of future, he does not see the good in you and chase after you. He makes you feel insecure.
Sorry if I am so abrupt - but I have to be honest. Dump Chris and go after the other one at work!! Do not give Chris another minute of your life!!
I do have a date planned tonight with Chris and I am going to talk to him and find out where he is now If he is still in the same place then I am going to say I can't do this any more....ect ect... at the moment , I feel like (pardon the language) I am just a good lay and that is all. If he is not going to put anything more in to this this is not what I want. he has made comments to me as in I think you are a keeper.. of course my comback to that was ... if I am a keeper where is my ring... he reply is it takes sometime. Sorry I decided that that answer was not good enough anymore specially since he just bought a tool box that cost him $12,000. No he does nto have that kind of money it's financed. At least with the guy at work (we may work in the sutomotive industry) but he won't even work on a car. Alan (the guy at work) and I have talked and I told him that if anything ever happened for us in the future he could do the laundry and I would work on the cars. (Sounds like a deal to me.) Alan is aware of Chris and I an how things are going. Alan and I talk several times a week and he is ok with being friends for now.
I hope you broke up with Chris.
You are much younger than him and you've never been married. He doesn't want anymore children and he doesn't want to marry you. Even if he did want to marry you, I would be extremely wary of that. He's been married 3x already. It's not likely that the 4th time will be the charm.
I think people should date someone closer to their own age and life experiences. If you want marriage and another child, make it happen with the right partner.
Hi there, and welcome. My thoughts on this are pretty simple. He doesn't want to marry you, he's old enough to be your father, he himself has told you he's not emotioanlly invested in this relationship, he's been divorced three times... those aren't little things, they are pretty serious red flags. It was a year before either of you went to a work function together.
I wouldn't necessarily worry about the guy from work, but you seem to know that he's more suitable- on paper- for you. That doesn't mean things would pan out, but maybe you owe it to yourself to be with someone (anyone) who wants the same things you do. Like Love, Marriage, more children.
I personally wouldn't be happy keeping anyone at arm's length- and I certainly wouldn't want to be kept this way. If a man isn't ready for a committed, vested relationship, he isn't ready for me, and it wouldn't take me a year to figure that out.
I say, move on, but don't worry about meeting a man. If you're interested in the work guy, give yourself time to figure out if you're REALLY interested in him, or just not into your current boyfriend anymore.
Sometimes we confuse ourselves because of our desire to be with someone, anyone. When we know that we're not happy with the person we're currently with, we often think we'll be happier with someone else. While it may work out that way, we're never happy because of someone- except ourselves. No one but you will make you happy. You can be happy while with someone, but don't rely on that person to provide your happiness.
Moody, knowing what she wants today
Powered by CGISpy.com
All of you thak n you you all have hit it right on the nose.
How ever I don't knwo why but I chickened out friedays night I didn't say anything to Chris about what I have been feeling. I was not feeling the gratest this weekend. I was fine friday when I left work. but by the time I got ready to go out and got the kids to the sitter I had almost lost my voice. By sat morning it was gone and sunday was nto any better.
another red flag that I saw this fri was Chris asked "What do you want for valentines day?" My reply was a long pause and I told him that I wanted flowers sent to me at work.
he said give me that address and I will.
I think I should have replyied with I donno you think of somethign.
You know he could have been his own self inaginiative. come one now. SIGH!!!!!
any how eventually I will get around to talking with him.
Dump him before valentines and fail to give him your work addy.
I have dated two older men and though each different, neither was looking at my future as much as their retirement. Chris may be different, but dating someone of yoru own generatiosn can be so much more fun and invigorating, generally speaking, of course.
Saying you do dump Chris, take advantage of V-day by asking Alan out casually for coffee. Something low pressure, just to let him know you are interested when you are ready. If that's too forward, the day before VDay so that you guys can wish you were together on that day.
Take care of yourself. Chris, whatever his age, isn't going to give you what you want long term.
My grandmother said the same thing the toher day.
hmmmm....