Bec? How are things?

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Bec? How are things?
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Mon, 11-22-2004 - 9:56am

Hey, I know that Ty hasn't been well and also you mentioned that your marriage is struggling. What's going on? How are you? Just checking in.

Shane and I argued a lot this past couple of weeks too and I know you and I have both talked about the issues we have in our marriages. The constant bickering. UGH!

Hope you are alright.

Hugs!

Mel

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Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 11:10am

I am ok Mel. I am hanging in there. My faith pulls me through a lot of things that I might otherwise just crumble under.


Ty's health is ok. He's very stable at the moment, but we still went through with the hospital "day program" because they are VERY thorough there. Testing Ty for every possible issue related to his asthma/allergies/eczema. Got his skin under better control. Better medicine regime. Got to drop ONE of them totally (WHOO HOO!!!) and cut back on dosage of another. That was great news.


We found out that he's borderline pediatric osteoporosis, from all of the steroids he's been on in the past. So, pumping WAY up on Calcium (think old lady with advanced osteo. Thats how much he's requiring to counteract negative effects of steroid intake) and we have a fitness regime now to build strength in his bones. Particularly his legs, which are the first to be affected.


Also, about half of the program was directed towards Ty's emotional well being, which hasn't been great. He saw a therapist quite a bit. He's VERY disturbed because A) J is very hard on him and Ty is afraid of pleasing him. B) he sees that Jas and I are struggling and he's very afraid that he might "lose" another dad.


Tyler has some major loss issues. A biological dad who didn't want him, a cross country move (he's so sentimental and sensitive that he's not over that yet... from HALF HIS LIFE AGO), loss of baby brother. He's just always afraid of losing more if he's not good enough.


He also is INCREDIBLY bright...but really struggles in school. The therapist again reaffirmed how intelligent and HE said, for lack of a better term, very wise Tyler is. But he's either struggling with ADHD, or some kind of learning disability. This is Ty's last year in elementary school. He starts middle school next year and he's barely keeping his head up. I am afraid we'll lose him if we don't get some things figured out now.


SO, Jas and I have to commit to some REAL marriage therapy. The therapist told me privately that I have "quite a delimma" because he knows how full of anger and frustration J is and it's poisoning the whole family. he's got to get it under control. But I also couldn't possibly leave him w/out wrecking Tyler, and I don't want to. I love him and I am willing to stand by him and help him through this. But he has to want to be different. I can't make him want to be, or open his eyes to see how he is. I know it's painful for him and he'd rather not face it.


Also, we had to commit to family therapy. For Ty's sake and for our sake. Blended families are VERY difficult in the first place, but adding some of the things we've been through in the short time we've been married (my illness, loss of baby, J's previous health issues, his anxiety attacks which I personally believe are barely under control, J's laid off for the THIRD time in a year and a half...) we really have to make a huge huge effort to get through. It doesn't just miraculously "work out" whe you don't put concentrated effort into things.


Ty is having his adenoids removed and some work done on his sinuses in an attempt to A) cut back on sinus infections that trigger serious asthma attacks B) perhaps help with bedwetting which he is still struggling with C) help him sleep better, which should improve his life and health overall in hopefully a dramatic way.


*Exhale*


So, that's the WHOLE deal. That's everything I've been going through. See why I am exhausted and feel so freaking beat up? LOL!!!! Hope you didn't mind the novel. I didn't see any point in answering halfway! ;)


Thank you for asking. You're so sweet. We've BOTH got some pretty bull headed men, huh? I am sorry to hear you and Shane have still been arguing. What do YOU think is the bottom line issue, below all of the petty arguing? There's usually a root issue, whether it's a power struggle, or depression on one or both sides, or job stress or whatever. I know it sucks. I am in such constant turmoil right now, and really just trying to take care of myself and Ty and be kind to Jas. But I MISS the intimacy oh so much. I just miss him. It's really painful. But I guess this is the "worse" in the better or for worse. And considering the layoff, I suppose the poorer too. I am looking forward to the "Richer and better" part!

Becky

Becky

 

 

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 12:09pm

My theory is that I might be sinking into a depression again. I've suffered through it before and the last time, my anxiety attacks were so violent, I went on Paxil. I hate to think I'd have to take pills again and honestly right now, I can't. Not unless there is a safe med for pregnant/nursing women. My family on my dad's side has a mental health history of depression and other disorders. My favorite cousin was hospitalized about a year ago for clinical depression. But she's out now. She's fine and I believe is taking meds to keep it controlled. I also think part of it is the pregnancy. Mood swings, being irritable, and beginning to feel uncomfortable. I just feel unattractive. Shane is so wrapped up in his work, he barely notices me. He never asks how I feel, he never really asks much about the pregnancy. I'm very surprised because he was so excited about becoming a father. I just thought he'd be more involved. I told him the other day that according to what I've been reading, the baby ought to be about 8 inches long and a half pound. He simply walked away. No response. Last night, I asked him why he reacted that way and he said he thought I wasn't serious. He apologized, but for me, the hurt was already there. He seems to think that women focus too much on little things like dating anniversaries and the first time we kissed, etc. Yeah, we're women!! We're more emotional and sentimental than men. I don't sit and expect him to remember those things. But I remind him on special days about things that happened. Just to let him know I remembered. Not to make him feel bad about NOT remembering. I count on the big days being recognized. That's all.

I guess I've always felt like a part of him would always long for his first wife too. He adored her and she left him. He barely stayed alive for months after that. He was depressed, suicidal and just not himself for a very long time. I've always thought she was the love of his life and it's been hard for me to live with the ghost of her. He says I have no idea what I'm talking about. He says he adores me and I'm who he wants. Arguments have been hard. It's been about so many things. I was suspicious of him doing something wrong a while back and began to snoop some. But it turned out to be just a fear, nothing more. But I admitted to him what I suspected and we talked about it. I have to say he was very calm considering the fact that I dug through so much. But he was disappointed. We got past it very quickly and it seemed to be alright, but my biggest problem is that he refuses to see when he's done something to upset me. If I'm crying, it is not good. I told him last night we needed to focus on us. And if that meant counselling, then so be it. Neither of us wants to give up. We don't doubt the love we have between us. I think that we're just going through a rough spot that needs to be tackled.

Anyway, we'll get through it. And you and J will get through your troubles. And Ty will feel better too.

We just have to pray that it will all work out.

Mel

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Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 12:33pm

but my biggest problem is that he refuses to see when he's done something to upset me... I hear that. J can't handle that he might not have done something right. He goes to "Well, I am SORRY I am such a horrible person" line. He has some major self esteem issues. He just doesn't realize it. Here's hoping.


A few thoughts for you Mel.


On the depression thing. If you think that might be true, get an appointment and check into it. Don't "tough it out" yourself. There are things that can be done for pregnant women who are dealing with depression. But I would HIGHLY advise to stay away from Paxil at any time. I don't know how YOU felt on it, but J was a wreck. It was almost counterproductive, but very difficult for him to get off of, as well. That's why I feel he now struggles with anxiety more than he realizes, now that he's trying to "Self manage" AND, IMO, self medicates with alcohol. He over uses it. I believe in all things in moderation, but I don't believe he is moderate. He doesn't see that.


Anyway, all of that to say, if you've struggled in the past and it's in your family, don't discount it just because you don't want to go through being on med's again. If you really hate that, there are other ways of managing depression. Check into it. For the sake of your marriage and your pregnancy and your SELF! ((((hug))))


(my baby sister just went through the diagnosis process. Mental health issues are heavily in my family, on my mom's side as well, and I am always on guard. But my sister finally had to admit there was something wrong. She was initially told she was probably bi-polar, which is in the family. But a better clearer prognosis simply said "depression" so she started Zoloft. We'll see how it goes for her)


AND I believe that you really need to do something about your self esteem issues. Your concerns about Shane and his ex wife will put SO MUCH pressure on Shane to keep "proving his love" to you...and it sounds like he's wearing down. Every time you have doubts, you are essentially telling him "well, I know you said you love me and only me, but I feel like you're lying" and that'll bring anyone down. Don't rush to defend yourself here hon. Even if you don't daily or even often say negative things, he knows your feelings. He knows it's there. I know how you feel because I've been there too, and J specifically asked me to "work on that self esteem issue. Get help. Do something, because it's putting too much pressure on me to be your constant esteem builder and I can't do it. There's something wrong in YOU that you keep feeling that way" And...he was right.


It's great news that you might get counseling. I hope you do. I hope Shane is with you on "tackling things" and getting it taken care of so you can go through some smoother sailing.


And HEY, congrats on the coming house closing. I missed that it was coming up so soon, and was a done deal. HOW EXCITING!!!!



Becky

Becky

 

 

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 2:07pm

I know I definitely need to work on that self esteem thing. I guess I just want to know she isn't the one true love of his life and that he's truly moved on and not just tried to replace her. From what he and everyone says, she was horrible to him. Constant judging, picking at him. I couldn't stand that either. If he watched an adult movie, not even nasty, but soft core like on Cinemax, she'd blow a gasket and think it was a smack in the face. Like it was a reflection on his attraction to her. She considered it cheating. He began to feel ashamed of it and hid the fact that he would occasionally watch something. All this lead to lots of problems and neither of them were open with each other after a while. It was so unhealthy.

But he knows that he doesn't have to be that way with me. I know that a movie or a magazine is not harmful as long as it's just occasional, not all the time. It's not a reflection on me either. But it hurt him just the same when she left him. He was devastated and he once asked me if it was bad that he missed her sometimes. It kind of hurt me to know he did at all. And it also hurt when I found out he was upset when she came to town to see her twin sister and never contacted him. Why does that matter? They are no longer married. She has no reason to contact him. If she did, I'd be fine because I believe ex's can be friends in certain circumstances, but she obviously doesn't want that and he seems to not be able to handle that. At least that's how it seemed to me. So that's why I've been so scared that he secretly wishes she were still his wife.

I know I shouldn't have said anything last night, but it just got to me and we were talking about stuff and it just came out. I certainly don't want to put pressure on him to have to prove how much he loves me. I know he does and how much. It's sick how much we are in love. If only everyone could have that. But like you, I miss the intimacy. Sex, we have, but the way we used to just sit and talk. It's not there. I want that back. So bad.

Mel

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 7:53pm
wow...Becky, I'm so, so sorry that you're getting so much on your plate. What's J got to say about the family therapy? Is he interested in going or is he going because you're making him? What are you doing about Becky? How are you keeping her strength up?
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Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 8:19pm

Mel,

I think you are making too much out of his first wife in your head. I think that a counselor would help you sort things out - you said before you would go - do you still plan to do that.

With regards to the pregnancy - I think this is like wedding details. It is not something tangible for a man. It is not in his body. He does not need to do something about it now. So he does not worry or have the same interest. When it is born and especially when it gets bigger then that will be a different story. I think this is common.

Remember you are in the first year of marriage and that is hard on anyone. Couple that with the ghosts of the past marriages, pregnancy and a new house and it is a lot on your plate. Do what you can to get everything smoothed out before baba comes.

Hugs and joy sent your way!!

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Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 8:26pm

Oh my goodness - you are a true soldier to have all that on your plate and still help us here.

Yes, you have been through a lot. I am betting this past year alone feels like a thousand years. I cannot imagine the loss of the baby - are you really over that? Have you dealt with the grief? As if that kind of grief could really go away!!

All I can say about Jas is that you have to do what is best for you and Ty for the long term. If you cannot get Jas to go to a counselor then go by yourself.

Ty's health is a challenge - I do wish you the best to find good care and get things to where they are manageable. And ditto for school. I guess that would be my first and strongest focus. Do you have family to help/support you?

I am thinking that maybe you and Jas should try to take a getaway, without Ty, and spend time together to get to the bottom of things. Was he always that way? Or has it just been recently with the pressures of what you describe?

Is there someone who can watch Ty and give him quality time for a long weekend while you are gone?

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 11:01am

Thank you Bay. It is a lot. But sometimes you don't realize that when you're in the thick of it, KWIM?


J IS willing to go to family therapy. He does want things to be better. But his eyes are not yet opened to how he is. I am praying for that daily. That is definitely one thing he's got going for him.


Me? Well, I am starting to make a bigger effort to take care of myself. I buy a new book to get lost in any time I need/want one. I am hanging out with friends as much as possible, and going to my mom's for some down time often. And I am starting to work again on my physique. Pilates and some cardio at the fitness center (fitness center is going to be part of required family time, because Ty has to get more exercise in to counteract some negative health issues) I feel good about that. And I am checking into getting a yoga tape of some kind. Or I'll learn some exercises and get some soft music I like and starting doing THAT for some de-stressing.


And you know that my faith is important. First and foremost, I go there when I am in need of some encouragement. It helps immensely.


I am hanging in there. I actually feel VERY positive right now. I don't love my marriage and I am hard put to feel very loving toward J. He's been VERY VERY kind lately. Really...well, for lack of a better term, kissing my butt. My GF said last night he's doing that because it makes him feel like a better man/husband without having to really face himself and make real changes. That may very well be true, but I am still kind enough to acknowledge his efforts. But I am certain he sees that I am still holding him at arm's length and really only connecting with him at the bare minimum. I am biding my time till therapy, which I am working on getting scheduled. It won't be cheap, and I've got to get insurance approval. Fun Fun.


Thank you SO MUCH for asking about ME! This weekend I was a wreck of a woman, but I feel so much better now.

Becky

Becky

 

 

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Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 11:09am

I cannot imagine the loss of the baby - are you really over that? Have you dealt with the grief? ... Yes, I think I've done pretty well. It was bad for a while. But I was mulling things over last night while driving home. Wondering if I really WAS ok with things (as ok as you can be, anyway) and I know that I've felt more emotionally level the last month or two than I have since before I got pregnant.


Things with Jas aren't good for sure. But AS SOON

Becky

 

 

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 12:47pm
How are you going about picking a family therapist...when my marriage was in a crisis, I went with the first one that was on the insurance list and she was awful. Interview them and find out exactly how much experience they have in your area, what methods they employ and what are the success rates for that. I just read that conflict resolution therapy is only 35% successful. Family therapy is a very broad term...think about what you want from the experience, how much you are willing to invest (not only financial).
I wish you and yours much success with this. I think you're doing the right thing, just going with the flow for now, not dwelling, dwelling, dwelling and talking the death out of the relationship. I hope you can set this stuff aside and get through the holidays and actually enjoy them.
I'm glad that you have a plan and that you are thinking about yourself, too. xo