been gone dealing with a lot

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
been gone dealing with a lot
1
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 10:37am
between this "break-up" with Jack and my dad getting surgury, my sister getting another angioplasty done, my BF having Cancer and of course the daily grind of events I have been a little out of it.

But this thing with Jack is done. I've made it clear. I am NOT saying that in the future I wouldn't take starting over with him into consideration. But I was honest and sometimes brutally so - with him and myself. Bottom line is this issolation thing was BS and it really hurt me and did for a long time. Last weekend I went out - and this weekend I am too. Jack and I hardly ever went out anywhere at all. Certainly I never went out with him and his friends. He is going out with them a couple times a week now. And yes - some of them bring there girlfriends too. I was never included because whether he knew it or not consciously - he didn't think I fit what everyone else thought he should be with so there you have it. His conflict was it was what he wanted. Too bad - so sad.

I ended it nicely with a very well written letter. In fact all the friends I read it too said "WOW" when I was done reading it to them. Guys and girls alike. Very matter of fact. I wasn't accusatory or anything - just to the point and I told him that I wanted to be friends one day. When I'M ready. I foolowed it up with a little bit of a pointing out of how wrong his "secret life" with me had been and that I was better than that. That I was better than what he thought his friends and family thought he should be with and it is sad that he couldn't see that.

I know all this is true but I am still very sad. And I a kicking myself over it. If he came back - which wouldn't be for a long time if he ever does - and said he had made a HUGE mistake (which he did) and tell me and SHOW ME that he had changed then I might give him another chance. For his own sake I hope he does this - not come back but change his thinking - because otherwise he will always be unhappy. I think I told him that in the letter. That he needs to stop letting other people influence his personal decisions.

I ended it with "You only get one life Jack. Do what makes you happy and the people that really love you - FOR REAL - with be happy for (and with) you.

I didn't tell him that I loved him once in it. I think that at this point he knows how I feel and me saying it would ony be manipultative.

So that is that. Last weeked was a bunch of friends/family and some singles which were :P. This weekend my sister's neighbor who is going to help me fix up my Jeep - used to have his own Jeep shop actually - invited me to hang out with him at a upscale billiards place. He added "there will be a big group of us" meaning he wasn't asking me out on a date. Hehehehe. He seems nice but not my type at all and a few years younger. But what the hay right?

Life goes on. One thing I know....they ALLLL come back. We'll see where I am at when that happens because I am starting to think I will be way past it. So I guess there is hope. But who knows. Maybe life can be like the movies and he will change. Like I said - not for my sake - but his own - I hope he does. What a miserable person :(

Laura

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 10:46am
Laura, I think you did a great thing for yourself, coming to that point. You sound so good today. Of course their are going to be really hard times ahead and lot's of nights thinking about it and pondering if you should of gone that leap or not, but give it time to heal. Most of the time it does help. Not always, like me and my situation, but usually time does help.

I think it's great your going out and I think it's great to go out with a group of people. Nothing is safer, nor more fun then having a great time making new friends and getting to know new people.

Big hugs to you,

catherine