Been a while, but confused by BF

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Been a while, but confused by BF
6
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 8:38am

We've been a couple since about January first. We dated for a few months before that. We have a lot of fun together in and out of the sack, many common interests, and are similar in life goals/lifestyle. Seems promising. We are both in our late 30's.

Lately, he's been much more interested in role playing family. He comes over when school gets out, fixes the kid's bike, wants to do things with the three of us.He comes to the baseball games. Interested in my son's schooling, health etc. He has invited us to go to travel to his family reunion on Memorial day. So on some levels he shows he's serious and is moving things along into a family-like thing.

He's been a stand up guy, but lately I have been in the need of more one to one affection. At the same time he seems to be indicating more serious intentions, his physical and verbal attentiveness to me have been dwindling. I have spoken to him quite plainly about this. We seem to communicate okay. We don't argue, more discuss, but we have talked about everything between us.
His response is," so the time I spend with the three of you doesn't count?" I don't keep score, co the remark strikes me as odd. I say things like "Well, let's shift the emphasis to include more time when the child is with a sitter or after he has gone to sleep" To this he seems to agree, but then he shows up at 4:30 the next day with his baseball mitt, and has to leave after dinner to do work he left undone that afternoon while playing catch with my son.

It's really driving my crazy. I feel like a supplier of family not a sexy desirable woman in the early committed stages of a relationship.

Another thing that I have told him directly and plainly is that "it can be stressful for me to be "Mom" and "girlfriend" simultaneously . That some together time" with the three of us is good, but I simply NEED to be with him alone some of our time.
To this, he says" Well it doesn't bother me." and he feels the issue is resolved.

I have suggested that we move back to dating. You know just a night a week, and coffee another afternoon. He is not okay with this, wants to keep moving along.

But all this togetherness, and he can't say lovey words. It'd driving me nuts. Any ideas folks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 9:02am

I think he is a great guy from what you post. But you need a little surprise or creativity.

Is there a way you can shuttle off the kids to friends or a babysitter's house? And then when he comes in you are in the tub with some bubbles and champagne? Or maybe put them to bed early and then have time for you guys? Or just get a sitter/friend/family member to watch them while you go out?

I think you have to make the scenario right so it does happen - and do it with fun and surprise rather than stress over it.

I think he is just being a guy - give him a job that he likes and he goes to work - he is being a super family guy and feels needed and that is great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 1:40pm

Hi,

Usually I just lurk around here but for some reason felt the need to comment on your situation. Your BF sounds like he has a lot of good, basic qualities. Seems like the problem here may be that he is slippiong into a 'comfort zone' too quickly. I've been with my boyfriend nearly 2 years, and still from time to time I give him a subtle reality check by keeping him on his toes.

This guy sounds like(probably not even realizing it) that he's taking the hospitality/availability/access to you & your sons life for granted. What would happen if one day next week he stopped by and the two of you weren't home that day? You say you don't like the mode in which things are currently progressing. Maybe you need to change the setting on him a little bit, shake up the routine. Men can be incredibly uninsightful until 'inspired' by the women in their lives to take a different view on things. I have learned that men respond much better to circumstance than to long winded talks. We need to SHOW them, to create the scenario yet let them believe they are only partaking in a random event. If they don't see any problem, which it seems like he doesn't, they are not going to be moved to introspection for the shear joy of it.

It seems as though your guy is trying to fast foward through the 'courting' stage and wants to settle into a nice, secure family-routine situation. It is good that he has shown you his potential in being reliable in this way. But you cannot rush through the levels it takes to get there, or else you wind up feeling short-changed, as I suspect you are feeling. He obviously feels very comfortable around you and your son. But he needs to realize this in itself is special, is a gift from the two of you, that you have let him into your 'family circle'. I suspect it probably fills some sort of gap in his life. But he needs to see that this type of status, though he may be well deserving of it, needs to be earned. Good Luck!!!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 4:04pm
Of course it's normal sooner or later to quit feeling like you are not being desired when you once couldn't keep your hands off one another. A woman loves courtship, but in order to do get it, I agree with Judy, take the bulls by the horn and make the situation romantic. Don't wait for him to come up with something. You have to seduce and steer him into temptation and lust. LOL. But also, keep him on his toes a bit. Don't have your cell phone with you sometimes if you are just going out for a quick errand or a coffee with a friend. Although you don't want to rock the boat, men sometimes have to be reminded with a gentle nudge that you aren't just mom, housekeeper and best friend. You are the sexy woman he met and fell in love with. So shooo the kiddies off for two hours, get on something sexy this weekend and suprise him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 6:19pm

Hi Everyone
Thank you for your thoughtful and supportive replies.

He came by early this morning with plans to go to an auction and asked me to join him. He knows that I like stuff like that. It was fun. He got two broken bikes to make into a good one for my kid. He asked us both over Friday night for a movie and said we could put the kid to bed early (and he smiled.)

I will take all your good suggestions and post a follow up in a week or so.

Oh... I posted the same thing on the Guy Talk forum. Got some very interesting responses to that there but not from guys but some ladies who are regulars there. One thinks I need to break up with him. ?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:16pm

Hey, uber! I don't think you need to break up with him. No one is perfect, and that includes us. Why should we expect a man to be?!

I do think a little creative persuasion wouldn't hurt, and I agree with the other ladies' replies in that regard.

He actually sounds like a wonderful boyfriend, but needs a little direction, since in his mind, nothing's broken, nothing needs to be fixed. I completely understand the time spent with the child thing. You aren't saying you don't like it, you just want one on one time, too, which is completely understandable.

Kudos to him for trying to include your child- we hear from so many women whose boyfriends or dates want nothing to do with one! But also kudos to you for sharing your opinion with him, and letting him know how you feel.

Just keep communicating, and don't necessarily wait for him to plan something- plan a date for just the two of you, and enjoy being the grown ups!

Moody, thankful her man likes her with and without the kids around


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:48pm

I don't see breakup at all! Guy express their love in different ways. Working, being faithful, being helpful with the kids. IN HIS mind, this is the same as bringing home flowers. On one hand you must see this and acknowledge it. On the other hand you must explain you need intimacy, too. It is all good stuff and it sounds like both of you are on the right track.

Good luck and keep us posted!