Being on my own again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Being on my own again...
9
Sun, 12-25-2005 - 8:43pm

I've been communicating on this board for a while now... so some of you may remember some things about me...

Here's the thing... I am a single mom of a 2-year-old, about to turn 30 in January... My son's father is completely MIA... I have not seen or heard from him in 1 year since I got full custody... I have not gotten adequate child support and now have gotten about $50.00 a month from unemployment checks the deadbeat dad is collecting. I made a decision to move in with my mother in May after my roomate moved back to Georgia in the hopes I could save money and move out on my own again...

My goal is to be debt-free (within reason) by March... the problem is... Once I move out, I want to be out for good and not to EVER come back to my mom for help ever again! I just don't know how I can do it... I am feeling very hopeless and helpless! I know so many other women do this... between the daycare costs and rent... I know it will be a struggle...

The major problem is my mother's negative and abusive relationship with me... she treats me with the biggest disrespect you can imagine! My self-esteem takes a serious hit day-to-day and I find myself being more depressed every day... When I was away from her I was happy... But since I have a child now, she has managed to make me feel like I have no hopes of a real life and that no man would ever take on my baggage...

And of course she denies being bad to me and tries to guilt-trip me all the time... Telling me she might be dead tomorrow... Faking heart attacks, complaining about her aches and pains and what a burden I am to her... But doesn't want me to leave because I can't make it on my own because of the mess I made of my life having a child when I did and getting divorced...

It has worn me down in the worst way and I feel my child will eventually suffer the repercussions of this hostile environment... My privacy is completely violated and she questions my every move (from what I am eating....to why I'm in the bathroom so long)... She interrupts me when I'm talking on the phone for stupid things... Calls me 10 times a day... worries when I'm 15 min late from work... I feel she places unreasonable demands on me and expects me to be like a husband to her! Which I refuse to do... She makes me feel incapable of the smallest of tasks and I keep losing my temper when I'm around her...

Oh, and I've talked to my counselor about this... she tells me to get the Heck out there and FAST! But I'm scared... scared to fail... Also... I have talked to my mother several times... in different ways.. and it has not helped in the least... so talking at this point is really OUT.

My greatest fear is to flee the coop prematurely and have her laugh in my face and tell me she told me so and then I'll end up begging for her to help me again! I really need some encouragement and support... I have no one to look after my son... She helps when I go out on some weeknights and I know I will lose that... I have not found a babysitter as of yet... I have no single parent friends to offer me advice or help either...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 12-25-2005 - 9:30pm

This is not good for you for sure. I think your mom is just in a bad funk right now and she is projecting her feeings about being divorced on you and judging you accordingly.

Do you have a good plan in place for increasing income in the near future? Do you have an idea of what it will take to be on your own as far as a budget is concerned?

I think you should sit down and put a budget together on paper - what will it take for you and your child to make it on your own? What can you do for school or getting promoted or changing jobs to get to that level? Take a good hard look at that and then see what you can do to get there.

You can make it on your own. You just have to want it and to plan for it. To fail is not an option. As long as you can find stable work and stick to a budget you can make it.

For now, unless you can find another way to live free or very low cost you do not have an option but to be with your mom until you can make it.

I think you need to set boundaries with her. When she starts talking mean, you need to change the subject or leave the room. Do not get into a tit for tat with her.

I am sorry you have to go through this - but I know that if you have the will, you can change it in the not too near future. Keep us posted and good luck.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 2:49am

Maybe you're scared you're going to fail b/c she is making you feel that way. You are a competent woman capable of making it on your own. It's sad that you are in this position, but you CAN do it by yourself. It may not be easy, but life throws us some hard balls sometimes (trust me, I know).

Debt free or not, I would leave, or at least try and set some boundaries if at all possible with your mother. I agree with Judy too, she always gives great advise! Plan, set a budget, and stick to it! Things may be rough and a little sticky for a while, but you will be able to do anything you set your mind to and work for!

Good luck - lots of hugs,
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 9:54pm

You're name says it all: you're a DIVA!


So stop listening to your mom's defeatest attitude and start being the DIVA you KNOW you are.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 2:57pm

Alison,

Thank you for all your words of encouragement and support. It helped me to hear it from someone else… When I’m away from my mom I really feel powerful and more like a DIVA… but when I’m around her I feel like a helpless teenager who gets no respect and can’t get the love and support I so desperately crave. Also, she doesn’t love the real me… She has an image of me that she wants me to be, and doesn’t understand who I really am. It’s taken many years to accept that she will never see me for who I am and accept the way I am… and that’s OK. Because I would much rather be true to myself and live a life of true happiness and love than loathe my reflection in the mirror and feel cheated.

It’s hard to be around her “defeatist attitude”, especially since a lot of the BS she handed me over the years turned out to not even be close to the truth… I left home at 18 for college and got a real reality shock (both negative and positive). Since coming back to visit and now live with her I hear how ridiculous the things she says are. She is similar to a lot of mothers in movies, but lately she is reminding me of the character that Kathy Bates played in Waterboy… She puts everyone down around her and has always tried to drive a wedge between me and any relationship I’ve tried to form (be it romantic or friendship)… Of course when some relationships fizzled like my marriage… now she says how I should have never gotten divorced and maybe she could have done something to prevent it like talk to my ex-husband and tell him to straighten up… and then he might not have acted the way he did… and I would still be married today!

You’re so right about her wanting me to fail and her having not an ounce of respect for me. I told her that last night! She laughed and said in order to get respect I need to earn her respect… And that she has tried to give me respect, but I don’t seem to want it… etc.. etc… Then I told her that although she may not agree with me, she can give her advice, but the end decision is my own… So she made noises while I was talking to shut me up… Then I told her, oh that’s real nice of you… this is the lack of respect I’m talking about… So she says I do it to her all the time… Basically, in her opinion, if I don't agree with everything she says, then I am either "back-talking" to her, lecturing her, or telling her off... It ends up being a tit for tat debate and basically it falls on deaf ears…

I will have to go middle ground on the advices I’ve received… I will do my budget, write a list as to what I think my obstacles are, cut out any frivolous costs (budget), and research a proper living arrangement… Then I’ll execute the plans as soon as I possibly can… In the meantime, I will try to spend time away from her as much as possible…. Even if it means spending 6 hours at the library, mall, and park with my son… And only eating one meal a day with her… like dinner (dinner is hard to avoid without a lot of conflict in the evenings when I get home from work)….

I have a few questions for you…. What did you mean by bachelor suite? And what is daycare subsidy?

Also, unfortunately, I'm noticing that it has already had an effect on my son… because of the way she talks to him and me… Also, when it’s just the two of us he’s “good”, but whenever she’s around he acts out… Sticking his tongue out at her, hitting her, hitting me… biting me… pulling my hair (apparently some other kids do this too at his daycare)…

That is my worst fear that he will end up like his deadbeat dad and have no respect for women or anyone else… That’s why I left his father when I did, I didn’t want my son growing up in that kind of environment and seeing that happening in front of him…

Thanks again, I’ll keep you posted

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 3:04pm

Kait,

Thanks for replying... Yes I am scared because she is the major source of my anxiety... When I am away from her... I'm still scared, but I have more courage and I am more willing to take some risks (even if I fail)... But I can't take risks and fail when I'm around her because I get the ever popular, "I told you so, when are you going to start listening to me?"

It won't be easy because I have used her as a financial crutch over all these years, and that is the hardest string to cut... What she doesn't provide for me emotionally she has provided financial for me... This is her MAIN power source... once that is gone, there is nothing left!

I tried setting some more boundaries with her last night, but it was no use...

Thanks for the help,

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 3:14pm

Judy,

Thanks for your advice... My mom has been in a bad funk for her entire life... Just when my dad was alive he was a buffer and he knew how to handle her... He passed on 3 years ago... they were married for 32 years... She was VERY dependant on him, and never handled the "moneys", or paid bills, or drove during all that time. My father was VERY controlling...

Also, as you know living at home after you've been out in the real world, married, and had a kid... it's very hard to have to answer to your mother (who I haven't had to check in with for over 8 years)...

I have some plans for a budget... I don't know about increasing my income anytime soon unless I move in with a roomate... I just got a raise, so that helps a little...

I have been on my own many times... it's just that with a child it makes things a lot more difficult... I don't care where I live, but I need to make sure it's good for my son...

As you said, to fail is not an option... The daycare costs are what are REALLY putting a dent into my budget... It's like a morgage payment... and I've researched "cheaper" places, but they are really BAD quality and VERY bad facilities...

So, for now I am working all the details I'll need and staying with her until I can do it for sure... As you'll read in another post, I plan on doing what I can to stay busy and AWAY from the house...

Thank you for your support and encouragement,

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 3:38pm

Honestly, your mom reminds me a lot of my own mother with whom I'm having issues as well.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 4:51pm

It was good to hear I'm not alone in mother's guilt and I told you so's! I know it was ridiculous to hear that a few words from her, and my ex-husband would have straightened up! HAHA He is not my DS's father... so that's another thing she loves to rub my face in the mud...

She's used the "After All I've Done for You" ...as well as "I Wish I was Dead", "What would you do if I wasn't here to help you? How would you survive?, "You're trying to kill me with all this stress you are putting me through," "If only you did this, then blank would have never happened".

One thing that drives me up the wall with my mother right now, is "We need to do this, we need to do that, we need to put him to bed at 8:00, we need to check his temperature" She says she's always talked like that... it's the english school upbringing! Give me a break! What a load of BS! I didn't remember her ever saying that before my son was around... It used to be "You need to do this, you need to do that, you need to be home by 9:00, you need to clean your room, etc."

You know, you are exactly right about me being put in the position and acting like a teenager... That's exactly what is happening! This is why I feel like my son is ending up being put in a position of little brother as opposed to my son! Until I move out it will be a hard to command respect... But I agree with doing less talking and more action! So action it is from now on!

I also liked your advice about saying "Thank you, I'll keep that in mind." and then I'll walk away before she goes on and on... "You better keep it in mind... What have you done lately? You've been saying you'll keep it in mind now for the past couple of weeks and I don't see any improvements!"

I have been trying to shut down from spilling anything about the new guy or my finances... It's hard, but I'm staying strong... I don't want her to cloud my judgement!

You're right that I brought my son into more chaos... It was a last minute move because my roomate moved back to Georgia and I had to find something quick... Now, I'm saving up as much as I can so I can flee once again! Also, I'm researching babysitters and nannies in hopes to find some kind of after work help... or maybe a substitution for daycare... although I have a VERY hard time trusting people...

I make good money, I have a bachelor's degree and a good job working with computers. I just have been a very bad spender and have been irresponsible over quite a few years... One major set back was when I got divorced my ex-h was supposed to pay for my healthcare as part of the divorce agreement... I got pregnant after a few years, he didn't pay for my health care anymore (he was doing it illegally, and he did this before he knew anything about the pregnancy)... So I got stuck with $16,000 in health care bills from labor and delivery and all my doctor visits!

I read somewhere that overspending is due to poor self-esteem and being emotionally immature. So I'm working hard now to pay my bills and not have any more collection notices... I've thrown my money away on stupid things like overdraft fees and if I'm going to have any hope of surviving I need to buckle down and realize what's really important...

After reading how you survived and the struggles you have gone through to make it to where you are, I'm hoping that I am not too far off from realizing my dream of making it on my own... free and clear...

Thanks again for sharing your trials and laying it to me straight,

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 8:09pm

Well, honey, you're on the right track.


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