Being a single mother sucks

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Being a single mother sucks
21
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 9:31pm

I came across this website during one of my bouts of idleness and boredom. I have 2 sons, one is almost 14 and the other is 11.

I was divorced in 2001 and can't seem to date. And of course it's hard being a single mother. Single guys are turned off by a woman with children. And because I live in a small community, I know most of the divorced ones. The only prospects are the younger guys who want to meet someone and start a family. Well, I already have a family and about to give up on love. I'm tired of waiting for Mr. Right. I'm convinced he doesn't exist.

I'm in fairly good physical shape because I exercise but this only gets the guys attracted and not really interested. You know that guy who came up with "He's just not that into you" That's the story of my life

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 7:15am

Welcome, jolex, to the board! We're glad to have you.
I'm also a single mother of two, and I'm going through some of the same things you are. I also live in a tiny town- in fact there are NO prospects in my community, so I've tried online dating. It hasn't led me to the one for me yet, but I have met some interesting people.
I have not completely given up hope yet, though, and neither should you. If OLD isn't your thing, you could take up a hobby in a nearby town, maybe?
I know for me, the busier I am with my own life, the more men seem interested. Obviously, they aren't all right for me, but the only way to know that, I think, is to date some of them. And of course I have my days, weeks, whatever, where I just feel like giving up and becoming the crazy cat lady, but in general I've found that the happier I am, the happier the people around me are. This includes men.
So, anyhow, I just wanted to say welcome, and please know you aren't alone!

Moody- who really isn't that into cats, anyhow


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 11:02am
Oh honey I think everyone in here can relate. I have 3 children, I am only 22 how many guys want a 22 year old with 3 kids aged 1 aged 3 and aged 5. We live in a semi small town and everyone knows everyone as well or at least in our huge group on people. I am in the same situation, they see the looks want you out of your pants and then they're done. I am really just starting out though.
You on the other hand need to calm down. My mom always told as soon as you stop looking they'll come knocking which I believe is seriously true. I dont know what activities you are involved in but getting involved will help. Sign kids up to soccer or baseball or football, and you'll meet single dads that way. For instance my 3 yr old started pre-school at the local rec. and her best friend's daddy is single, so hey....
Or join a gym, I see you excercise but is that on your own, if so join a gym or a class. Volunteer at the school, you wouldn't believe the amounts of single fathers that are involved nowadays. Good luck to you and dont put love on hold when you truly find someone that wants a ready made family then it'll be more special than you could imagine.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 12:15pm

I feel your pain, I'm a plus size, close to 45 year old woman living in NYC where
the men are only interested in the young and skinny. Another thing about me that men can't deal with is the fact that I'm a strong, confident, independent women. There are lots of insecure men here. Bottom line is I am what I am, I've worked very hard on myself
and am very proud of my growth and progress. Any man that can't deal with you or your children is not worth having anyway, consider yourself lucky that they show their true
colors up front.

I know it's hard, but you can't get caught up in the "I have no one special in my life
syndrome". You have to use this time to work on making the best life possible for your
self and kids. The better you are the better your life will be. I'm not going to lie, I get lonely at times, but you know what, I put it into this perspective: I would rather be happy by myself then to be with someone who is causing me grief. The women I know who date a lot, have nothing but bad stuff to tell, so it's quality you want over quantity.

I know a lot of older women that have no men in their lives, and they live very fufilling lives. I endeavor to be just like them. I'm not going to lay down and die just because I've had no luck with men. I plan to live life to the fullest, if someone's with me for the ride, great! If not, I'll still have the time of my life.

YOUR HAPPINESS CAN NOT BE DEPENDENT ON SOMEONE ELSE'S. YOU MUST CREATE YOUR OWN.
WHEN YOU CAN DO THAT, THEN YOU'RE READY FOR WHAT COMES NEXT.

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 1:44pm
Jolex38,
I have to say that is how I felt after I got divorced also. Yes I date some men that all they wanted was the sex and never cared for my kids and then I dates some that were liars and just like to play games. As soon as I stopped worrying about being alone and somebody not wanting me cause I have 3 kids then I meet the man who I will be marrying anytime now. So just be yourself and don't look and it will happen when it is suppose to.

lisa j romesburg

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 2:14pm
Thank you for your advice and encouragement. It's so tempting to settle for what you is in front of you. I'm very tempted because very few men come into my life. I usually cope pretty well as I am strong and independent and I attribute this to the break up of my marriage. It was a bitter divorce but I made it through and am a different person for it. But the lonliness will creep up on you every now and then when you don't have a companion to share your most innermost feelings with. For the most part I do ok, but because I'm having a 'sort of' relationship with a man who hardly calls, it makes the lonliness come back full force. So I know I should tell him to get lost but I don't know if I can. Are the few times we get together worth the lonely feelings I get when he's not around?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 4:00pm

Hi Jolex38. I know how you feel but I have to agree with everyone on here that replied to you. My family and close friends have told me time and again to not look for that special someone, that he will show up when you least expect it. It has been hard to deal with that but I keep trucking along. lol The past few months have been hectic with moving into a house and trying to get myself settled so not having someone has been okay. Now that I'm settling in, I have my "lonely" days, especially when my son is with his dad and I can think about it more. My ex has already remarried. I'm glad to read that you are a strong, independent woman, as are a bunch of us on here. :) We just have to find men that can handle us and come up to our level. lol

As far as the guy you are talking to sporadically, it depends on if you feel like he is bringing you down or making you feel good. If he's not making you feel good then I wouldn't hang on to him. I have a friend (with benefits) and it is okay at times but then I feel an emptiness there too because we will never be in a real relationship so I feel like I'm wasting my time with him. Now, he is a good person but not someone I would want to marry. Hope this made sense. lol

Hang in there honey!
Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 4:16pm

Well I have been there and did that. I got tired of the guy I was dating saying he was going to call and then not call or go do something with his buddies. I guess I was not really that lonely. I was always able to find a book to read or hang out my girlfriends or I have my kids. But don't settle for anything less then what you deserve. so tell the kind of boyfriend goodbye and see if there is a single parent group that you can join just to get out and meet people.

lisa j romesburg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 5:03pm

lol :) Well, I just hope that if there is such a thing as reincarnation that I come back as a man. I mean, really. Where can you get married, have kids, drop the whole kit-n-caboodle, and have a nice life. Sounds cool from this end. Like you, I'm a single mom of two boys, 7 and 11, and live in a VERY small town. I have been divorced for 2 years and have gone out on two dates (when the boys were with their dad). The first I met through Boy Scouts (yea, I know), and he got real serious real quick and I stopped speaking to him. The second was a blind date (uh-oh) who during our first (and only) date gave me his list of acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Right - dropped him before desert. I had another guy (his name is Eugene - yeah, I know) drop by my house (he lives right down the road) to ask me out. First, I don't see myself with a "Eugene" and I definitely don't want one who is 42 and still lives at home with mom.

I just don't think I have the energy for dating. I hated the dating scene when I got married. In fact, I married the guy who moved in next door to me. :) So, here I am single again with two kids. I made a promise to myself that I would not parade a bunch of men through my children's life. I just don't think it is good for them and besides their father is doing that enough on his own. It may mean that I stay alone for a while, but that's okay too. Dating and playing the "game" is just not my cup of tea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 10:06pm

Welcome to our board. I am glad you posted - love reading all of the responses here.

Especially this from Taina:
YOUR HAPPINESS CAN NOT BE DEPENDENT ON SOMEONE ELSE'S. YOU MUST CREATE YOUR OWN.
WHEN YOU CAN DO THAT, THEN YOU'RE READY FOR WHAT COMES NEXT.

Taina - you are RIGHT on with this one.

The thing is akh1968, you have to make yourself happy. You have to improve the quality of your life through supportive people and activities you enjoy. Don't just base your whole life around your kids - it is not good for them or you.

I think the key to happiness for anyone is taking what you have and making the best of it - seeing the good.

I am not dating. But I am also not crying, frustrated, having drama or someone to tell me what to do or not do. Actually I am more like a wild teenager that is enjoying her life and making so many decisions with no one to pop her balloon. My son and I are getting along great - and that is another thing - I don't have someone to limit my time with him or cause strife between us. The way I see it, we all have seasons in our lives. There is a time and place for everything.

Tonight the battery went in our smoke detector - and let me tell you, that annoys the HECK out of me. I strongly dislike that noise - and it means you have to do something about it now or lose sleep. As I dragged out the ladder in the garage, I thought, gee, this is the first time I have done that and not gotten sad that I have no one to change the battery. And that is okay. Because a lot of women have someone to change the battery only that someone is never home anyway and they would still have to change it. And I can change it. So that is good!!

I think that you just have to accept being on your own for a while. And like everyone says, when you least expect it the right person for you will just come into your life. It may even be someone you have known for a while. You just have to be happy so you will be ready.

I hope you stick around and that you have enjoyed reading all of the posts here as much as I have. And I hope I helped you too!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 11:19am

The guy you are dating, the one who hardly calls, that's your problem right there. He is making you feel lonely and like crud. Drop him cold turkey. I was in a relationship like that and I got lonelier and lonelier. My self-esteem took a nose dive to the point that I thought that no one would ever like me because I'm a single mom, etc.....

Life was so much better after I dumped the guy who was barely making any plans with me and was emotionally unavailable.

There are decent men to date, but you won't find one if you are letting the jerk drag you down.

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