bf has problem with seeing my ex around

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
bf has problem with seeing my ex around
4
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 1:55pm

Hello Ladies,

I'm new to this board and really need some input. I've been with my bf for almost a year and a half. We are both deeply in love and adore each other. We connect on every level and we both feel extremly lucky to have each other in our lives. He says to him I'm no longer just his gf but he sees me as his "partner".

When we first met we had just both gotten out of long term relationships. I called off my wedding five months before the wedding date. My son was 2 and a half years old at the time.

My bf's ex had a 4 year old daughter whom he helped raise since she was a baby. Although he saw no future with his ex, it was difficult for him to leave because he loved the daughter as his own. Today, the mother refuses for him to see the daughter and it is very hard for him.

After I broke off my engagement, I moved back in with my parents. My parents warned me about bringing a new man into my son's life so early on. So I think this is where I made a mistake. I never introduced my son or my family to my bf for almost a year. This caused a strain in our relationship. I only saw him when my son's father had him or if my parents watched him for me. So bf got used to our relationship without my son being around. I regret this now because I wish that I introduced him sooner. We've been together for almost a year and a half and he's just now starting to get to know ds.

Since introducing my son to him, I've started to bring him around more. Bf expressed that he wants to be more involved in his life but this is still something he is getting used to. Because for a whole year, it was just him and I. He says that even though ds has a father, he's going to get another one. My bf has never met my ex. But we've talked about when we move in together and get married he's going to have to see my ex picking up and dropping off my son. This is where he has a problem. He said that it hurts him so much to know that I had a child with someone else but he has to accept it. He says its animal instinct and a territorial thing with men. He also said that when we have our own children he will see both of us in them. But when he looks at my son, he sees me and my ex. This kills me. He has nothing against my son but how do I help him get over that? He assured me that he's going to learn to deal with it but I don't want this to cause strife in our relationship. He loves children and can't wait to have his own. I know he's going to be a wonderful dad.

This is actually a longs story short.Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 2:39pm

I think this is something your bf has to work through himself. He has to be the one to decide he is okay with this, and recongize that he is an addition to your son's life but that your ex is an important part of your son's life too and if he has a problem with that he has to resolve that within himself. Being okay with seeing your ex is a choice, he can choose to accept the situation and your son or not, and if he is going to accept it, he has to be okay with seeing your ex. Anything can be a big deal if you want to make it a big deal. Plus, it might be a matter of it happening once and then realizing it's not such a big deal at all.

For what it's worth, I don't think you made a mistake keeping him away from your son so long. That is usually very good advice to do that, and to only have him be involved once you know you have a future together. If your bf has a problem with your ex or with accepting your son, he would have had that problem no matter when they were introduced (it's just that he might not have realized it until he was faced with it).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:00pm

Hi and welcome to our board,

I don't have any real experience with this situation but I can offer my opinion/suggestion of what I would do if I was in your shoes. Hopefully some others will, too.

I think most people have a tendency to fear the unknown. I think you should take his objection/opinion seriously, perhaps even seek a family counselor to help guide you or both of you, and then give everyone a little time to see what happens. From everything I have read, blended families take time.

Do you have a good working relationship with your ex?

This is one of my favorite sites on this subject:
http://www.bonusfamilies.com/
they also have a discussion board here at ivillage:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psbonusfam

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 4:20pm

That sucks. If it's meant to be, BF will reconcile himself to the situation and learn to - not just accept it, but- embrace it for all of the love that it offers to him in his life. If he cannot fully come to terms with it, then it would slowly break your heart as time went on , and ds's as well, and would not by any means be a sacrifice worth making. But, as was said earlier by others than myself, BF really needs time to think about this. And time is not a bad thing. The fact that he is struggling with it shows that he realizes the gravity of the situation. I'm sure that's what you want. DS is not a commodity. His happiness is extemely important. You want someone to realize the situation for what it is, so that they do not become "shocked" later on and suddenly tell you that they can't deal with it. Let him decide now.

I wish you a good result. I'm not an expert and have no lock on good advice, so feel free to discount everything I said it you feel it does not apply. Either case, I hope for you and DS to have happiness.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 9:15pm

Have you talked to your ex about the situation, that you have a new man and you two are thinking of moving in together in the near future? If your bf is having a hard time adjusting to the idea of your ex, maybe he should meet him- with you, but not your son. It may help him just to be able to meet your ex, and if he has questions for him or concerns about the situation, the three of you could talk about what will be expected of each other when the time comes for pick up and drop off. Unless of course, your ex is a total jerk, that might not go over well.

When my bf moved in, I talked to ds' dad and answered his questions and concerns about the new situation. They cannot meet, as there is about 20 hours between us, but I was able to calm my ex's fears that my new bf would just talk bad about him, or try to take his place in ds' heart. My bf doesn't have any concerns about my ex, since he knows that he's here daily in our lives and is a good positive role model. Should we have more kids together, he will not treat them any differently than he does my ds.

It's hard to be there for someone who's not your blood- and the fact that he can't see his ex's dd must impact him a lot with you as well. Has he tried going to court to get visitation rights? Since he lived with her and raised her as his own, and no doubt paid a lot of expenses that were involved in raising her, he should be able to see her. He really should contact a lawyer about it and see what they say- he should be allowed to continue being a positive influence in her life.

I hope that you guys get through this and bond more because of it.

Good luck
Alison

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