BF met parents, didn't go well

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
BF met parents, didn't go well
10
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 12:14pm

I think I will try the short version of the story. My bf is a pretty tall, deep voice, brunt sense of humor. My mother has always chosen passive men because her father was violent, loud, deep voice, etc. My mother does not believe I should be with anyone. Afterall, when she divorced she raised my sister and I alone. She had two boyfriends while we were growing up, and kept them far away from us. My step-dad was the first one she let get to know us, and by then I was 17 and my sister was 15.

I think my mom was prepared to not like him. I've been seeing him a year and I talk about him a lot. She makes comments that if the relationship ended it wouldn't be such a bad thing, mostly because he does not have a college degree and had been going through a custody battle. She doesn't think I should be with someone who already has a child, because they will always put the child first. Well, I have a 4 year old dd that I will put first too. And in comparison, my ex-husband has a masters and earns far less than I do, and will be in debt until he's dead. My bf has no student loans and makes as much as I do, and he's far more educated than my ex-husband because he is constantly reading and learning... he mostly watches PBS and only reads non-fiction. He reads textbooks sometimes. I've never read a text book that was not required reading.

My bf did not make it easier. I am not sure if I can describe his sense of humor, but let's say I was at his place and I asked him to get me something, he might respond with an exaggerated "oh my god you are soooo demanding..." Well, he's also not the type of person to pretend to be something he's not. So at dinner last night he was boxed in by me and my step-dad, and he says to me... "why don't you get me some more water, you know, while you are up..." Well, I wasn't up, but I did get up and get him some water. I'd say that might have sealed the deal on my mom not liking him.

The thing is they agree on so many issues. I talk to my bf all the time, and I talk to my mom all the time. On political and social issues they have very similar beliefs. I thought if we could get a conversation going they would warm up to each other but it never happened. Nobody was trying to get the conversation going.

My mother also believes my daughter was acting inappropriately. She was wearing a dress and as is common with her character she sometimes goes around pulling her dress up, or she does summer-saults and her dress lifts up. My mom was very uncomfortable with this and said so. She said I should give my dd one warning and then go put pants on her (to which my daughter would freak and we would have an all out mommy-4yo battle). After my bf left, she basically told me my dd was flirting and that my bf was encouraging it, and that it was dangerous to have my bf around her. I certainly understand why she would feel protective of her granddaughter, but I do not think my dd was doing anything wrong and I don't think my bf was either. She's 4. My mom says I did not act like that when I was young. Well, in my family parents and adults did not get down on the floor and play with kids like I do, or my ex does, or my bf does. And my mom must have forgotten the time I was 5 and she had to tell me masturbation was something we did in private. I think my mom's concerns are unfounded, but her concerns are so serious, how do I assure her she is wrong?

I think I can deal with them not liking each other, but I really really hoped that they would. :(

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 12:50pm

I think I can deal with them not liking each other, but I really really hoped that they would... I am so sorry. What a bummer. But I think you summed it up well. You can't make them like each other. You also can't let your mom's impression dictate how YOU feel. You need to know if this man is right for you, because he's right FOR YOU. Not her.


I don't understand why your mom would discourage you from learning to have a wonderful, healthy, giving relationship with someone just because she didn't have anyone. Is she maybe jealous? Seems like she'd be able to say "Gosh, I did raise you alone, and it was hard hard hard. I'll be so happy for you if you can find a good man to help share the load" Makes no sense, unless she's just really in a bad selfish place.


Personally, I think you give her too much room to criticize your parenting. Doesn't sound like your dd was anything but acting her age and your mom might be more than a little paranoid. I hope you're able to shrug it off as just that. Not take it as a possible truth that you might not be parenting her well.


Your BF does sound rather abrasive. Are you sure this isn't a problem for you? My DH was like that when we dated. I wished I'd paid more attention to it then. While it bothered me, I thought I could overlook it. But I had no idea what a pain in the butt it would be to live with a man like that. He similarly rubs people wrong with his "humor" which is basically just thinly veiled anger at the world. Not much grace. it's hard to raise a child with a guy like that. Just be aware. ;)

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 1:59pm

I'm sorry, I wish it was easier.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 2:03pm

>>>Your BF does sound rather abrasive. Are you sure this isn't a problem for you?<<<

It hasn't been a problem for me to this point. My bf is the type of person that can read people really well. Whenever we've had a disagreement he can just stop and look at me and say exactly what I am thinking or feeling. He's always right. It would be in character for him to pick up on the fact she wasn't going to like him no matter what, and then push it a little to ensure he didn't like her. I don't like the fact that he 'ordered' me to get him more water, not because I don't get his sense of humor, but because I'm trying to teach dd to be polite and say please. So I plan to talk to him about that. But in general his abrasiveness does not bother me, and in fact it fits well with my sense of humor. I do hope for him and I to spend more time with others so I can see how he 'rubs' other people. And I will pay attention to this a little more since my mom has brought it up.

My mom would be happy if I found a man that could wait on me hand and foot, but will argue to the bitter end if I wait on a man. What she saw last night led her to believe that he expects me to cater to him, which is not the case. Her and I both have rheumatoid arthritis, and her's is very severe... she has disfigured hands, wrists, feet and ankles, and she is disabled. Mine is under control with medication and I don't expect to ever end up like her. She needs someone to take care of her because of her physical limitations and other health problems. She is very bossy and controlling with my step-dad. She snaps at him and he jumps, and that is the way she wants it to be (my step-dad seems okay with it too). If I found someone like that, she'd probably be happy and like him a lot. But what makes her happy will not necessarily make me happy. And in reality, she has not gotten to know my bf yet and is making lots of assumptions. I just hate to be at odds with my mother because she does have my best interests at heart and I am very lucky to have her in my life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 2:31pm

It is so hard to figure out what comes from my mom thinking of my best interests and what comes from her dysfunctional background. I don't think she was ever abused, but her reaction to my dd last night sounded to me like someone who had been abused and who believed it was her own fault.

I don't think seeing me happy bothers her. I think not seeing me waited on hand and foot bothers her. In the early days she liked my now ex-husband. I think it was because he was passive like my step-dad is. Later on she disliked him becuase he was lazy and not helping me enough (he really was lazy). One of the many reasons I wanted a divorce was because my ex was so dependant on me, financially and otherwise, that I couldn't see taking care of him after I got sick (rheumatoid arthritis, which is an immune disorder where your body attacks itself). My bf isn't the type to jump when I say jump, but he also doesn't need me to take care of him. Each of us can take care of ourselves just fine and I like it that way. Emotionally and financially my bf and I would be fine on our own. I don't feel like I 'need' to have him or that I need to have any man in my life. I'm with him because I like who he is, I think he would be a wonderful step-father to my dd, and he makes me want to be a better person (learning, reading, exercising more, eating healthier, etc.)

One of the problems is that my parents live far away, so they aren't going to have lots of chances to get to know my bf better. My mom's just going to be stuck with this negative image. But they are also very critical of my sister's husband and the choices they make together. They were just complaining about their decision to remodel the basement before my bf got there last night, saying my sister and her husband have their priorities all out of order because they are making a wet bar and a theater down there instead of a 4th bedroom. I kind of agree with them but it's my sister's house and her and her husbands choice what to do with it. I can take my mom being critical of my bf, but what I really have a problem with is her saying my dd was flirting and it's dangerous for her to be around my bf. I don't know how to react to that. I don't think it's true but if I blow it off it sounds like I am not being protective of dd. And if I take it seriously then I sound suspicious of my bf, which I am not.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 2:34pm

I think your mom is going overboard on this. Most children your dd's age expose themselves. My son, who is five, runs around naked after his shower and shakes his butt in front of company. It's normal behavior. And for her to say you didn't do that, well unless you were beaten for it once or twice, well, I think she's mistaken.

Kids do that kind of stuff. My son mooned two friends at school just a week apart. TWICE he did it. Kids have no modesty. But in time, they learn not to do that. They learn what is appropriate and what's not.

What you need to do is what Shane (my dh) did. His mom loves me, but hated his first wife. They bickered and part of the failing of their marriage had something to do with that relationship. When his mom told him she really liked me, he was happy. She asked if it mattered to him how she felt and he said that he loved her, but even if she hated me, he's still be with me because he loves me and it's his life, not hers. And that she'd miss out on my precious son and whatever kids we might have together one day.

I think you need to set boundaries. Let her know that if she doesn't like your bf, fine, but she is not to pressure you into breaking things off just because she has a bad taste in her mouth. And also tell her you don't feel like anything is inappropriate about your dd and that you will decide what's right and wrong for your dd. It's not easy to do, but when you have a meddling mother, you have to put your foot down.

Shane's mom is very good to us. She really likes me, but she knows that Shane means business and she is not to interfere. It's our life. You have to do that too or she will run your life and you will lose your bf. And no one can blame him for running if things get too bad with mother.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 8:08pm

I agree with Mel. You should consider your mom's opinion but you have to live your own life for yourself.

I would say your mom has a valid point about your bf's abrasiveness -- he should have made a better effort in front of your parents. That is his best foot forward and it will not get better and you will not change him.

Just keep your eyes open and go slow.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 2:21am

Unless I missed something here, Welcome. I've been gone a couple of weeks, so not sure if you are new here or not. Tell us (or me a little about yourself and your DD)

My opinion is:
Your boyfriend wasn't acting inappropriate. He was joking. You know his sense of humor and he probably felt awkward to get up and get himself some water. Usually it is the hostesses responsibility to make the guest feel welcome and your mother sure the hell doesn't sound hospitable. So the poor guy really can't get up and walk into their kitchen as if it were his own and get his water. It was at your parents house. Right? He obviously felt very uncomfortable and he very nervous. So, no, in my opinion he wasn't abbrasive at all.

Secondly, I know EXACTLY where your coming from regarding the mother and boyfriend. My mother also raised me on my own and thinks that because my father was such an awful person, that I will always meet awful men. I tend to make wrong decisions, but not ALL of them were awful. She just made sure (because at the moment she lives with me), to make them feel unwelcome and treat them like crap. So I TOTALLY know what your saying. It's very discouraging because you think your parents would want your happiness. Not hinderance you in any way. I'm sorry for that.

Third, someone mentioned the children mooning. I TOTALLY AGREE. My 4yr olds daughter is constantly wiggling her naked butt when she dashes out of her room. She doesn't it to everyone. It's so embarrassing for me, but also quite funny. I know it's inappropriate, but she she does the butt wiggle and then sings "OHHHHH BABY!!!" over and over again. AHHH, the joys of childhood.

I think you handled everything great and again.....

Welcome
- Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 9:26am

Thank you. Everyone on this board gives great advice that really makes you think. Since you missed it, this was my first post here: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=7529.1&ctx=128

The dinner was at my house, and my parents are visiting from out of state for 2 weeks. They think they will retire here, but I will believe it when I see it. As for getting the water, my dining room is my dd's playroom and we had pulled out a fold up table that took up most of the space. For my bf to get up and get it himself either I or my step-dad would have had to get up too and move for him to get out. I talked to my bf about the whole situation, and he's pretty laid back about it. I asked him how he thought it went and he said, was it supposed to go a certain way? He just figured it went how it went. He said it was obvious my mom was trying to be polite, but her lips were pursed the entire time. He's good at reading people, but with my mom he didn't even have to try. It was so obvious. I know he was uncomfortable.

On of my mom's comments was that my bf was critical of me and not complimentary. He commented that I gave dd a child's fork to eat salad with that had blunt ends so she couldn't eat with it. He was correct about that, I just hadn't thought about it becuase she loves that little kid silverware. He made a comment how I don't eat like that all the time (we baked salmon) and he's right. He is the reason I eat as well as I do now (buying organic, making healthier choices) but he does comment on the fact I should eat more greens, more fruit, and less things that come from a box. And he's right about that. At the same time, my mom is always encouraging me to eat better too. My bf also made the comment I really need to get some way to play music in my living room, because I like to leave the TV off and it's so quiet. I agree with him and we had talked about that before. And btw my mom and step-dad had made the same comment. While my bf was critical of my choice of dd's silverware, my mom was being critical of my parenting. So they are both critical of me in a positive way - more just encouraging me to make good decisions. And beyond that, they have the same views on political and social issues, and health and diet issues. So I'm wondering if they are just to much the same to get along. I think she wanted him to gush about how wonderful I am, and he's just not like that.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 10:03am
Having someone gushing about how WONDERFUL you are, doesn't necessarily mean they are sincere. Actions speak louder than words.
I agreed with most everything you said, except the music part. My house is also VERY quiet, because I don't have the TV running(it would drive me insane). I'm not into TV and don't own a stereo. The kids have radios and stereos in their room, so I don't think that the brain has to be constantly active to noise in my livingroom. Music is noise, even soft music. Sometimes it's nice to have quiet time. On the otherhand, like me, you will put it on occasionally, because my friends also complain it's to quiet and I should put on some light stuff to relax. LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 10:39am

I agree. If I was dating someone who went all out to impress my parents and get them to like him, that wouldn't make him the right person for me. I can see where my bf could have modified his behavior some to make it easier for my mom to like him, but at the same time I respect his convictions to be himself no matter what. My bf does not talk about his feelings much, I know he cares about me because of his behavior toward me. On the other hand, my ex-husband was always saying he loved me but never did things to show it. Since my bf does not talk about his feelings much, I hold back telling him how I feel. But I do show it, and he knows. Actions speak louder than words.

Sometimes I would like to have some music. My problem is I don't want to spend money on a stereo, and a little radio wouldn't sound nice as background music, and I am not investing in CDs just so I can occasionally put music on. But I agree it would be nice to have background music sometimes. My parents are going to buy satalite radio for $10 a month after an intial investment of a couple hundred. I'm not at all interested in that either, but it would be nice if I had the cash for it.

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