bf wants me to lie to my son's father
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| Sun, 03-05-2006 - 2:08am |
Hello,
This is my first time on this site, and my first time posting a message on a message board! :) I am having a really hard time understanding how to address an issue in my relationship, and would REALLY appreciate any insight from anyone here...
I have been divorced for 2 1/2 years, I have an (almost) 8-year-old son, and I have been seeing someone for a little over two months (he has been married before, but does not have children). He is a pilot (has been for about 20 years), and would like to take me and my son up in a small airplane. I think this would be WONDERFUL, and I know my son would love it. However, my ex-husband is afraid of flying, but more to the point of this story, a VERY controlling person. My son must have mentioned to him that I have a friend who is a pilot, and my ex-husband caught me off guard one day when he called to tell me that he hopes I would not ever let my son go up in an airplane without talking to him about it first. Regardless of his being manipulative and controlling, I try to always respond respectfully, and in the same way I would like to be treated. So I told him yes, I would talk to him first. (My son HAS flown with me on commercial plans many times, with his father's reluctant blessing.)
Not long after that conversation is when my boyfriend said he wanted to take my son and me up in the small plane, so I called my ex-husband to see if it would be okay. He said it would not. I asked if it would not be okay just this particular time, but maybe we could discuss it and he could go another time? He said, "No, I don't want him to go." When I told my boyfriend what he said, my boyfriend got very irritated and told me that I should take my son and not tell my ex-husband. I said that first of all I already told him I would not do that and I strive to ALWAYS keep my word, and second of all, my son would SURELY say something to him and he would find out. But the first reason is the most important, by far. If my ex-husband can't trust that I will keep my word regarding my son, then what kind of an example am I setting for my son? How can I expect my ex-husband to reciprocate? My boyfriend said, "He's your child, you should do what you want." I said, "He's not JUST my child. He's my ex-husband's child, too."
I know that my son will soon reach an age when he will know there are things that he could do with me, but his dad will not let him, and he will speak up and tell his dad that he doesn't like that. (for the record, I have NOT told my son about my boyfriend's offer -- I did not want him to get his hopes up if his dad said he couldn't go.)
So... I have friends telling me that if ever I want to do something with my son that his dad may not want him to do, I should just do it and not tell him. If he finds out, beg forgiveness. While this does not seem the MOST honest way, I can certainly see its value. I don't want my son to miss out on things because his father is ignorant and paranoid. BUT. I think that this will be an ongoing issue -- if not only with the person I am currently seeing, possibly with any people I may date in the future.
By the way, after reading about the woman who lost her family and is now raising her 5-year-old brother, I feel like such a whiner that I almost didn't post this. What an incredible, grounding story.
Thank you for reading...

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Hi beelet~
Welcome to the board, I have just recently found it myself and think you will find some great advice here. Posting on boards the first few times is kind of scary but soon you will feel like you are among old friends! lol You will read a wide variety of threads and altho yours may seem trivial compared to others? It is always a good way to vent or share your life's view - and you never know who's life your story may reach out to.
As far as our situations? I am a widowed mom of an almost 15 yr old (GULP! Somehow seeing 15 instead of 14 seems a huge jump in age! lol), so I do not have to deal with the other parents feelings or demands. Altho I would love to turn back time and not be a single parent, there are times I must admit, it is nice not having to deal with anothers wishes over how I choose to raise my son.
MY gut reaction to your particular situation with your ex's fear of flying and your son? I would want to talk to him and explain you always try to include him in the decisions over your son, and take his feelings into account. In this particular scenerio tho I would tell him that altho I could understand his fear of letting his son go up in a plane, that you do not want to pass on the fear of flying to your son. This is a great opportunity for your son and altho you understand his fears, you are going to take him for the ride. You can tell your ex that you too love your son very much and would never do anything to put him in harms way - you wouldn't allow your friend to take either of you up in the plane if you didn't trust him completely.
This will be the first of many situations that will arise as your son grows... you say your ex is controlling, so I am glad you got out of the marriage when you did. I think you need to take a stand on this and if YOU think this is what you want for your son, then tell your ex you appreciate his feelings and will continue to keep him posted and ask his opinion, but not necessarily go with it. I do think it was unfair of your bf to ask you to lie to your ex tho........and if it were me, I would tell him you won't do that now or in the future.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Hello and welcome - we are so happy to have you join us and share your story.
My opinion is that you should NOT take your son in a small plane if his father does not wish that. I think you do have to respect his father's wishes for his son within reason. While the father should not be able to control and manipulate on everday activities that your son does when he is with you he should have a say in things that are out of the ordinary. A small plane does have risk - it is not like an everyday thing like going on a commercial airline.
You are right to tell your bf that this is your exh's child and you do communicate with him in that manner. I think you have a very good head on your shoulders to set a boundary like that with your child and bf.
The second thought I have is that there is no reason to take your son on the plane - you can enjoy that with your pilot when your son is not with you. In time as your son gets older he may express a wish to his father to go and his father may loosen up if he sees that you will keep your word and if he sees that the pilot is respectful and responsible.
You are EXTREMELY smart to avoid disappointing your son over this matter.
I hope you will visit our board often and participate in our other discussions - we would enjoy to hear more. But whatever you decide we are always here!
Thanks so much all for the wonderful insight and advice. To the person who said I should talk to my exh and explain that I would never do anything to put my son in harm's way, I have had that discussion with him several times in the past, but he will not change. I believe he knows I love my son and would not put him in jeopardy, but I also believe he thinks I am not smart enough to always make wise decisions. He is a very paranoid, at times extremely reclusive, man. He also lives two blocks away from me, and I believe that if I did go back on my word to him, or otherwise did anything that he completely disagreed with, he would make my life -- and consequently my son's life -- more difficult than it has to be. As I'm sure all divorced single mom's know, the ongoing relationship between you and your exh is delicate and needs work to be balanced.
I greatly appreciate the supportive comments regarding the boundary I have set with my bf and my relationship with my son's father. I know in my head that I am doing the right thing, even though it's not easy. I would love to be able to take my son, it breaks my heart that I can't. But I also know that there will be time for these things. His father will have no choice but to loosen up, maybe not with everything, and certainly not all at once, but it will happen. I had a dream/goal to visit a special place in Canada with my son -- a place where my husband would not go with me when we were married. It was a small, but very memorable and heartwarming victory when I was able to get him to agree to let me take my son out of the country (don't laugh -- even though it was only an hour and a half away, it was "leaving the country," and my exh was paranoid about it). So I know I have lots of work to do... and I know this will never be easy... but I will never stop working at it.
On another very related note, the bf is now not talking to me. During our discussion over this a couple of days ago, he was becoming hostile toward me (verbally on the phone), saying that I should take my son with me in the airplane, and basically telling me that I was being a horrible person/mother for depriving him of this experience. I told him that I didn't like the way he was talking to me, that he wasn't being nice. He told me that he WAS being nice, that if he told me how he REALLY felt then I REALLY wouldn't like it. So I politely said I was going to hang up and talk to him later. I received a very brief text msg from him the following day saying "good morning." I replied, but did not call him. The entire day goes by, he sends another text msg saying, "Have a good night." I did not reply. I thought, "We need to talk, and he needs to call me, not send texts." A few hours later he texted again saying, "So now you don't talk to me any more?" I replied that I didn't like how he had talked to me when we last talked. That was last night and I have not heard from him.
Anyway, I greatly appreciate everyone's attention here. I am very glad I posted.
Thank you... :)
I think your BF's behavior towards you is not acceptable. It is not right that he would encourage you to lie or do something that you are not comfortable with and that he would treat you this way. I don't like any of that.
The point is, where do you draw the line? Today it is the airplane, but tomorrow it is something worse. He should say that what is important is what YOU believe you should do and feel comfortable with - not what he wants. You need a man that wants to make you happy - not one that forces you to do something you don't like to please him.
I believe this is the biggest problem here - not the exh's silly fear of airplanes. While your exh is a pain and needs to be managed by you, if he is involved and cares so much about his DS he is a blessing in DS's life.
All too soon DS will grow up and these days with him are irreplaceable. BFs are always replaceable.
Beelet,
Welcome to the board.
While you, your friends, your bf, your next door neighbour and the deli guy might not agree with your ex, he is your son's father, and he needs to have his decision respected.
THANK YOU. As I said, I know all of this in my head... but why is the thought or reality of breaking off a relationship with someone -- no matter how much you know it is the right thing -- SO AWFULLY PAINFUL?? I know this will continue to be an ongoing issue. That is my biggest problem with this. Today the airplane, tomorrow don't tell your exh something else, ask your son to lie. BF has admitted struggles with a previous GF over her children and the fact that she put them above him. THIS IS A HUGE SIGN. I think I need to be smacked. :-P
He probably won't even call, so that's that.
Thank you again... I'm very glad you're here.
"BF has admitted struggles with a previous GF over her children and the fact that she put them above him. "
Ok, you need to tell this guy flat out that this is going to be the case in this relationship as well, and he either accept that or move on.
Hi,
I am going to post my original thought BEFORE all of the following issues and comments from the boyfriend.
I am of the belief that YOU can make any decision on your time. I assume that "joint custody" includes health, education, and religious decisons. You can make moral/value decisions that YOU feel are right, and he can do so on his time. I'm not thrilled that my stupid Ex has his girlfriend of 4 weeks taking OUR daughter to dance class on HIS parenting time (which btw, is only EOW), but it is HIS TIME and he can deem what is "appropriate"... Personally, if I were you, and I wanted to take the kid on the plane, I would do so... regardless of anyone else passing judgment.
Again, I say this BEFORE you mentioned the comment about him saying an ex put kids first (BIG FREAKIN DUH!!!!), and getting huffy with you for not being willing to lie, etc...
I do agree with this for basic activities. However, when there are strong feelings about activities involved, it is for the child's benefit that the parents agree and not put the child in the middle.
In this case, I think your rule strongly applies for day to day activities and a boundary SHOULD be set with the father of the child about not meddling on those. But on something like flying in a small plane, when the father so strongly disagrees, I think that the child would be more stressed from the parents obvious disagreement and going on the ride anyway than he would be benefited from the ride. Especially with his small age.
How would you feel if your father was afraid of planes and did not want you going up in a small plane and your mother took you anyway? How do you think the father is going to react with this child? It will stress the child and make him feel like he was put in the middle. I do liken a small plane to rock climbing. It has risk - you don't know how the plane was maintained and they are very volatile in bad weather. The crash of Kennedy jr comes to mind along with those of numerous rock stars. And a pilot who would want me to lie doesn't exactly flip my trust button.
Now, when it comes to commercial flying, I am all for that - there is no way I would allow my exh to put his fear of flying in my ds if that was our case.
But this is just my two cents worth - this has been an interesting thread and I think our original poster is probably glad to hear all of our input. It is very kind of you to share your "dance" story and philosophy - I agree and use it a lot in our case, too.
I will say that my DS is always happier when my exh and I can agree on things.
In your case you are very kind and correct to allow the gf to take your dd to dance classes. I know that must not be easy on you and I am sure you are doing what you can to keep the peace for your kids.
Unfortunately, for me, I don't get to "allow" the gf to take her to dance, at this point, I have no say (although I do have a GAL involved who isn't thrilled with his involving the gf in the girls lives so soon, and so "officially")...
but just say your Ex doesn't fly at all, thinks it's nuts, terrified, and is 110% sure that it is a death trap waiting to happen, etc... you know the basic run that fear of flyers have... and "refused" to allow YOU to decide to put your son in the death trap that could be hijacked, or crash into the ocean, etc... silly fears that us non-fear-of-flyers "don't get", but it is REAL to those that fear... I believe that YOU have the right to choose to take your child on a plane, because YOU feel it is ok... hell, it's legal! If we are talking about something illegal that you and I believe to be wrong, but the ex thinks it's OK for 7yo's to do crack... different story, KWIM?
I do agree that this has been an interesting thread, because the other issues make me believe that she is having second thoughts about the guy... but as a whole, not even flight specific... he should have no say.
Just to be devil's advocate... if your son REALLY wanted to take gymnastics, or be on the cheer team, and you believe that it is great for him, physically, socially, etc... and Ex says it's for girls, and no son of his is going to do this or that, what would you do? Not just Judy, but anyone... The thing that I keep reminding my GAL when we have "issues", is that if I agreed with his ability to make reasonable, rational decisions with the children at best interest and not just his for-the-moment, I probably could have stayed married to him.
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