bf wants me to lie to my son's father
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| Sun, 03-05-2006 - 2:08am |
Hello,
This is my first time on this site, and my first time posting a message on a message board! :) I am having a really hard time understanding how to address an issue in my relationship, and would REALLY appreciate any insight from anyone here...
I have been divorced for 2 1/2 years, I have an (almost) 8-year-old son, and I have been seeing someone for a little over two months (he has been married before, but does not have children). He is a pilot (has been for about 20 years), and would like to take me and my son up in a small airplane. I think this would be WONDERFUL, and I know my son would love it. However, my ex-husband is afraid of flying, but more to the point of this story, a VERY controlling person. My son must have mentioned to him that I have a friend who is a pilot, and my ex-husband caught me off guard one day when he called to tell me that he hopes I would not ever let my son go up in an airplane without talking to him about it first. Regardless of his being manipulative and controlling, I try to always respond respectfully, and in the same way I would like to be treated. So I told him yes, I would talk to him first. (My son HAS flown with me on commercial plans many times, with his father's reluctant blessing.)
Not long after that conversation is when my boyfriend said he wanted to take my son and me up in the small plane, so I called my ex-husband to see if it would be okay. He said it would not. I asked if it would not be okay just this particular time, but maybe we could discuss it and he could go another time? He said, "No, I don't want him to go." When I told my boyfriend what he said, my boyfriend got very irritated and told me that I should take my son and not tell my ex-husband. I said that first of all I already told him I would not do that and I strive to ALWAYS keep my word, and second of all, my son would SURELY say something to him and he would find out. But the first reason is the most important, by far. If my ex-husband can't trust that I will keep my word regarding my son, then what kind of an example am I setting for my son? How can I expect my ex-husband to reciprocate? My boyfriend said, "He's your child, you should do what you want." I said, "He's not JUST my child. He's my ex-husband's child, too."
I know that my son will soon reach an age when he will know there are things that he could do with me, but his dad will not let him, and he will speak up and tell his dad that he doesn't like that. (for the record, I have NOT told my son about my boyfriend's offer -- I did not want him to get his hopes up if his dad said he couldn't go.)
So... I have friends telling me that if ever I want to do something with my son that his dad may not want him to do, I should just do it and not tell him. If he finds out, beg forgiveness. While this does not seem the MOST honest way, I can certainly see its value. I don't want my son to miss out on things because his father is ignorant and paranoid. BUT. I think that this will be an ongoing issue -- if not only with the person I am currently seeing, possibly with any people I may date in the future.
By the way, after reading about the woman who lost her family and is now raising her 5-year-old brother, I feel like such a whiner that I almost didn't post this. What an incredible, grounding story.
Thank you for reading...

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"if I agreed with his ability to make reasonable, rational decisions with the children at best interest and not just his for-the-moment, I probably could have stayed married to him"
BRAVO!! That is such the truth.
Your point is well taken - we all just have to listen to our inner voices.
What is a GAL?
GAL is guardian ad litum (spelling)... attorney for the minor children.
Thanks to your other points.
Hi Beelet,
I just had one more thought this morning - the type of man I would want in my life would ask me what my son likes to do and want to do that with him and us - not impose a rigid belief system that is going to upset us. Sure, if he is a pilot he might want to take us up sometime, but he would be understanding if we cannot both go - would only want the best for us.
Perhaps this one is just having a reaction because he felt hurt in the last relationship or somehow his best skill - being a pilot - feels rejected. Maybe he will rethink his recent actions and apologize - time will tell you this - and if he doesn't then he might not be the best one for you - keep us posted, okay? I hope we have helped you somehow.
My child custody agreement states that I will discuss all issues with his father but I have a final say on all decisions regarding my son. Basically I get to overrule him. What does your order say?
I would call the ex and say that I appreciate his concerns. However, you do not want to give DS a fear of flying unecessarily. If you feel/believe your bf is an experienced pilot and can handle the situation, I would call the ex and tell him that his concerns have been heard and considered and that you understand his feelings but have decided to allow your son the opportunity to experience this.
You can't protect him to the point of causing him to miss out on a great experience like this. I wish I could go.
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