Big age difference....crossing the line.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2013
Big age difference....crossing the line.
6
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 1:19am

For starters...I am single mom 38....A few months ago I met a young man (26) through some family of my son. He was a funny young guy who had a lot going for him. There are several groups of "kids" who hang out with the family ranging from 16-26. My son was going through a rough time after the death of my partner last year and being around these guys really helped him get out of his rut. This partucular young man really seemed to make an impact on my son's attitude and outlook on life. During these times we would communicate on how he was encouraging my son to do things that were positive. 

Recently we were texting regarding some things that happened during the day and he made a comment I wasnt sure how to interpret. The conversation seemed to be a bit flirtatious, so I stopped. The next day when I saw him we chatted a few minutes, nothing said so I let it alone. That evening he began texting me about how he had been noticing how nice I had been looking lately (I had been losing some weight) and how he thought I looked great for being my age and having a son as old as mine.He proceeded to tell me he thought I was sexy. Again I exited the conversation. He is the least of what I am normally attracted to which is older more settled and distinguished men. A few days later, we began texting late night and the conversation got heavy, leading to talk of meeting up. I don't know what the sudden attraction was but we really were hitting it off. 

A few days later, it came to pass I was home alone and he came to see me....he no sooner made it in the door and we were all over each other and 4 hours later....we were faling asleep in each others arms. I hadn't felt this good in a looong time. The following day we agreed this could not get back to anyone we knew as we didn't want it to get back to my son especially. I was afraid this would get in the middle of their friendship. We have seen each other several times after, it has been a few months now, and it is getting harder to deny when we see each other outside of closed doors. Our chemistry is unbeleiveable and we could go on for hours together....we talk, laugh, we can just lay there and get lost in each others eyes, we have amazing sex, and he makes me feel so sexy and alive. He tells me I spoil him and he can't deny he is really "hooked" on me. I have tried to ignore and put off his texts, but it is very hard. We agreed this couldn't be more than just a little fun...but now he says it is undeniable how much he wants me all the time. We both agree we wish we didn't have to hide this. 

We have limited access to each other alone since my son is around either him or myself at one time or another. I have convinced myself it will pass and it was just a fling, but the more we are apart the more I hear from him, and honestly I never looked at him as any type of relationship possibility...but now can't deny I am kind of hooked myself. of course I love my son dearly, and he cares alot about him too. They have developed a good relationship and we are not sure how he would react if he found out. He could on one hand be okay with it, as he used to try to get us to talk earlier on before they had a friendship, however now...its a little different since they do. 

Any suggestions? Just stopping would be the first thought I know, neither of us thought this would happen, we just figured it would be a little fun. Now it has become complicated. Help! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2013
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 2:08am

I guess my first question is how old is your son? From your post it seems like he's at least a teenager. He may surprise you and be okay with it. I think you need to at least give him a chance and tell him about it-- if he finds out about the relationship from someone other than you, he will definitely be upset.

I know that technically it's a big age difference but to me, the ages involved matter too. A 38 year old & 26 year old together is a lot better than say a 30 year old with an 18 year old, you know?

I hope it works out for you, it sounds like this relationship really makes you happy and we all deserve to be happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2013
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 3:03am
singleandawesome - My son is almost 17.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 3:44pm

I think it would be a good idea to talk to your son to see how he feels.  Apparently Demi Moore's kids didn't care that she was with a much younger guy but since this guy is your son's friend, he might feel that you shouldn't be dating him.  I think your sons' feelings should come first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2013
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 12:28pm

Was thinking about you and wondered if there was any updates? Did you talk to your son?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2013
Sat, 04-06-2013 - 9:55pm

We had a very generalized conversation about relationships and we talked indirectly about a "what if" type situation. He said he wasn't sure how he would treat something like that if it happened with "his mom". He is very protective of me and I think is upset by the thought of me dating anyone at all since the death of his stepdad. He did however say as long as it wasn't a school friend (which is a ludacris thought) but someone he knows, it may be strange but as long as I was happy he would have to "deal with it".

I have since seen said friend and we discussed a little more where we beleived this would go (if anywhere) and we both agreed for now we would just be very cautious. We also discussed how we would handle it down the road if it was found out, or if we intended to continue on and progress beyond "having fun". So for now...we are just taking time to see what happens on our side first before upsetting anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Thu, 04-11-2013 - 9:51am

What I would ask is, what are your dating goals? Is your goal to have a lifetime partner? If so, I think it's best to date closer to your age group. Everyone's different, but if it were me, I'd be too nervous about aging at a more rapid pace than him. The actress Linda Evans spoke of when she was dating Yani who was twelve years her junior, and she was freaking out and getting all kinds of plastic surgery. Sounds like he's just a kid having fun. You don't know if his goals are to have children one day. If he does, he will move on to someone younger. Even if a woman says she just wants fun and a short term fling, she always ends up wanting more. Sex makes a woman want to bond with a man because of hormones released.

If you decide to continue on with him, I think after a 4 -6 month period, that you'd want to become exclusive. Would he be ready for that? If not, do you really want a guy who is free to have sex with other women while you continue to invest time and energy into him? Just some things to think about. You can have chemistry with thousands of people in this world but it doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with them. When I was 46 and single, I went on a cruise with a friend. We stopped in the Dominican Republic and went to visit friends of hers at their house. The 28 year old guy and I didn't speak the same language, but the chemistry vibe was very strong between us. He asked about me to her at a later date. It was a fun ego boost, but I would never consider dating someone so young, and we lived worlds apart. Chemistry is just chemistry. It takes a lot more than that to find a lifetime partner, such as similar lilfe goals, ethics, daily effort into the relationship. Just some things for you to think about. Good luck.