Big Fat Loser
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 12-27-2004 - 12:12pm |
I wish the happiness and joy I felt on Christmas morning could last forever. But Christmas is over, and depression and sadness have set in. Everyone gathered at my parents house on Christmas Day for dinner and presents, even little sis, her husband (my exbf) and her baby. Things went better than expected. She was actually pleasant. There were no arguments or incidents. I was nice, and I actually had little conversations with her here and there. Right around dinner time, I got a migraine that lasted for the rest of the night. I think there is something to me being with my family and getting migraines (like on Thanksgiving). Everyone opened presents then hung around for a while. I left around 10:00. Then I got in the car and on the way home I completely lost it. I think the pressure was too much for me. I was relieved it was over. It was like once I got in my car and started off for home, I didn't have to pretend any more, or be strong or "go with the flow" and I had a melt down. Tears were flowing the whole way home. I felt like a big fat loser -- like such an incredible failure. If it was just me, mom and dad and all my other sisters, minus little sis, I don't think I would have felt that way. But spending all day with her (and I mean all day) was too much. It just reminded me of all the ugly things that happened, and how she got what I wanted, and the fact that I was alone (and the only one who was alone) was glaring like a sore thumb. Had I been there with someone, I wouldn't be feeling that way. But, I was alone, again, and I just felt like a big loser. I could just imagine my sister laughing at me or feeling sorry for me, and that just makes me nuts. Plus, not a single person in my family understands how I feel, but they don't care either. I'm just supposed to be a good daughter and fall in line and do what's expected, no matter how it makes me feel or how hard it is for me. THANK GOD IT'S OVER. But I still feel like a big fat loser. And I know that's just me, but I can't help but feel that way. When I told my oldest sister that I felt like that, she told me it wasn't true. And I know it's just me -- just the demons in my heading trying to mess with me and keep me down. So far, they're winning. I just try to think about my kids, because they truly were the best part of Christmas for me, and they always will be.
Donna

Pages
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I think you are experiencing a "divorce storm for the holidays." It is totally human to feel alone and like the third wheel with family when everyone has a spouse/SO and you don't and especially given your situation with being a single mom and having the poop with your sister.
If it makes you feel any better I did the same thing after my mom's - cried the whole way home. She had a minor altercation with my sister and somehow I was briefly in the middle.
But I had a self talk and I realize that it sucks to be alone at Xmas - and you are going to have a chip on your shoulder at this time of year because of that - so everything is amplified. And it is an emotional strain. The high point for me was that I put my mother in her place and I got over it. That is new for me.
At any rate, I am so overwhelmed trying to catch up on this board. I know you have a post about Mark and I wanted to say - GOOD! If I find it I will reply there too.
Hugs to you - you are not the only one alone - you are the only one with a clean slate and you are starting over carefully. You are discerning - not a loser.
SMILES my friend!! Maybe next year you won't have this problem???? HMMM???? Maybe they will all be scampering around trying to find a holiday dress for your WEDDING???
HAH!! :-)
Only positive thoughts!!
West:
Thank you for saying this: "It is totally human to feel alone and like the third wheel with family when everyone has a spouse/SO and you don't and especially given your situation with being a single mom and having the poop with your sister." It makes me feel less alone. And I am sorry you also had a break down, but your story makes me feel that I'm not alone. This is the 7th Christmas that I have spent alone, and except for the very first one (and that was because I had 5-month old twins with me and one that was extremely collicky), the fact that I was alone didn't matter too much. I was always glad to be with my family and not alone in my house with the kids. I think the difference this year was my little sister. She hasn't been a factor in my life for 3 years now, and it's going to take me some getting used to. "Out of sight, out of mind" is a lot easier for me to deal with. I can admit here that I have a ways to go. My sister has always gotten to me, and I need to work on that. She gets to my self-esteem, and I also need to work on that. I know I have some work to do, but I'm willing to do it. I've scheduled counseling session for every week to try to get through this tough patch in my life.
"so everything is amplified. And it is an emotional strain." I really agree with this statement. It starts with being alone, and then you throw my sister in there, plus my mom's illness (which is getting worse), and it was a lot to take. What I should have done was when my migraine hit, I should have excused myself and went home. But, instead, I tortured myself by staying to the end. But that's ok. What my counselor said was that just by my being there was a hugh accomplishment, and next time, I should give myself permission to leave early if the situation starts to get to me. And I think after have a two-day migraine because of the stress, I think I will afford myself that luxury next time.
There was also a piece that I really didn't acknowledge until I was in my counselor's office crying last night. I have a problem being around my niece, my little sister's baby. She will be two in February. No one in my family knows this, but had I not had a miscarriage, I would have had a baby that would be the same age, minus one month. My baby was due on January 25, my little sister's birthday. I guess I pushed it to the back of my mind so much that I never dealt with the feelings. But seeing my niece and knowing that I could have had a little one there too was a bit much. I never told my family because I wasn't married at the time, and I was ashamed that I ended up pregnant. Anyway, that's all over now. It was just another piece to the puzzle that added to my stress Christmas morning.
"Maybe they will all be scampering around trying to find a holiday dress for your WEDDING???" I wouldn't say that. I'm way too guarded right now to think about anything like that. I'm really a spiritual, religious person, I'm just quiet about it. I believe religion is a personal choice, and I never try to push religion on anyone or preach to anyone. I don't know if anyone can understand this, but I've taken this situation with Mark and put it in God's hands. If we are meant to be in God's eyes, we will be; if not, then we won't. My stressing about it and making myself nuts is not going to change the outcome. I made myself emotionally nuts after his first phone call, and I decided I can't live like that. That's when I put the situation in God's hands.
I met Mark on the Thursday before Christmas, and I don't regret it at all. I had a wonderful time. So much so that I told myself that if in a month from now things don't work out between us, I at least can look back on this Christmas and remember what a great time I had. The thing that impressed me the most was that in our four-hour conversation last Tuesday night and also in person, he has "come clean" so to speak. He admitted that what he did was wrong, and he is very sorry for it. That means a lot to me because there are some people that can never admit when they make a mistake. The perfect example of that is my little sister. She still thinks she did nothing wrong. She'll never get it. Mark knows he messed up, he knows he has to earn my trust and faith. These were all words he said. I think admitting to a shortcoming is the first step in dealing with it. Mark's parents own a beach house in Florida, which was damaged by the hurricanes last fall. Mark spent two weeks out there trying to help his parents. He said it was when he was down there, walking on the beach every day, that he realized he messed up and hurt me. I don't want to say too much because it will sound like I'm defending him, and I'm not. He's bending over backwards to try to make things right with me. He's so "into" me right now its incredible. I've noticed a change in him. When we went out for dinner, he had 2 drinks and 2 cigarettes, that's it; which is a lot less than he used to drink and smoke. I know this sounds kind of dumb, but he says he's found God. He's been counseling with a Baptist minister for the past six months. He goes to church every week, something he never did before. He actually wants to go to my church with me -- no man I have ever dated actually wanted to ever go to church with me. I have no idea what any of this means except that he's trying very hard to get me back -- and I can't say that it's a bad thing. I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens. We have a long way to go, but this is a start.
As always, it's always great to share things with you and the others on this board. You guys really do understand.
Donna
Wow - you have been through a lot but you are really intact. I like and agree with what you do and what you say here. I think you will be just fine, no matter the outcome with Mark. The only thing that will tell you anything now is time. See what happens in time.
I was thinking that maybe you would spend time with Mark and you will get closer or you will not like what you see and you will have closure. I feel the ball is in your court now. Just don't have sex with him any time soon. Don't spend too much time with him in any one setting. Set a limit to yourself before you go. And don't give him exclusivity - go very slow - and make sure you are putting yourself first in your life - look good and go out with that cousin and his guy friends on a regular basis.
I would have to agree with your counselor that next time you are with your family you leave earlier. It is such a strain - and it is huge that you were there - but you don't have to stay too long. Less is more!!
I can understand the child part. You will shudder - but my birthday is the same day as your sister's!! January 25th!! How crazy. But anyway, one thing that made me sad is that my sister said her kids got up at 7am and had all their presents opened by 7:10AM. I was wishing that would be me - a "full" family so to speak.
But as you said, we are in God's hands and what happens, happens. We cannot sweat over this or go crazy with it.
I don't know if anyone can understand this, but I've taken this situation with Mark and put it in God's hands.
Well, I understand it. I live my life the same way, and know of no other for myself. And I am glad that since you are a believer, you are able to put this in God's hands and not "run away with it" yourself.
As for Mark "Finding God" and that sounding silly...I really don't think it does sound at all silly. I think it sounds like he's on a good path and you are appealing because he knows you'll be supportive of it. And gosh, I am sorry to hear he's the first man that's wanted to attend church with you. I always feel that's a VERY important part of my relationships, being able to share that. I LOVE attending church with my DH now. And when we were dating, we switched off. I went to a much more charismatic church than he, and I would go one week by myself at my church (because I loved it, but he was very uncomfortable with it) and one week with him (because I loved going with him,but his church bored the snot out of me)
We have found a very comfortable middle ground church for us, and it is VITAL to our health as a family.
I pray you stay on a steady hopeful path, and continue making good decisions.
I can COMPLTELY understand how you must feel about seeing that baby girl and hurting over what would have been yours. Completely. You have all of my sympathy and hugs. It happens to me all the time. I lost a baby boy in January
Becky:
I completely know what you mean. Life goes on and we get over our disappointments, but I don't think a mom can never forget a child she was carrying, even if things didn't work out. I never made it to even 12 weeks. I think something was very wrong from the beginning, and I'm sure it was God's plan that things worked out the way they did. I wasn't exactly sure what happened to you last January, because I wasn't on the board much back then. I am sooooo glad that you are pregnant again!!!! I will keep you in my prayers that God will watch over this baby. Isn't it funny that we remember due dates and birthdays. I think were just programmed that way. And yes, the fact that you have a new life in you will take away the hurt you will no doubtedly feel this January.
Religion has become a big part of my life in the past three years, and it would be great to find someone who can share in my enthusiasm for God. I just can't help but think that if God wants Mark and I to be together, we will be, and if He doesn't, we won't; but I know He has something else in store for me down the line. I have to believe that, or I'll go nuts.
Donna
Pages