Board is slow... want a bf update?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Board is slow... want a bf update?
14
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 12:42pm

LOL. Like I need an excuse to give you all an update. Where is everyone though? It's not just this board. All of the boards I visit are slow today.

Anyways, nothing has changed with my bf's situation. He still has not said he's staying or going, he's still not seeing dd for now for both his and her sakes in case he does move. However, things are not stagnant either. I have made soooo much progress in expressing my feelings, and even just recongizing what those feelings are for myself is huge. I feel like our relationship is changing and growing. When I have expressed how I feel (even when it surprises him) he has responded the way I would want him to (talking to me, comforting me... I've never had that with anyone before). My bf is out of the depression for the most part, or it might be more accurate to say that he's not letting his depression rule his life, he forces himself to get out of bed and stay productive and has for a while now. Although we did sleep until 4:30 pm on Sunday, but it was more because we could. We woke up at 10:30 and I went and got bagels and after eating we went back to sleep, woke at 4:30, got dressed and went to dinner, and later that night watched a movie. I feel so happy right now. I'm just trying to be myself, recongize my feelings, express them and take care of myself, and also enjoying the time with my bf when I have it. I feel busy with dd, work, volunteering, the gym, reading, housework, my recent trip to Boston and my upcoming trip to visit family, but not overly busy or overly stressed. My arthritis flare is gone too btw. I feel really good about everything right now.

Maybe it's the weather getting warmer too - that always feels nice doesn't it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 12:48pm

Oh, and I think I mentioned that dd just recently met my ex's new gf. DD went back to her dad's on Friday and Thursday night she tells me, "I'm going out with G and her friends this weekend." LOL! What the heck does that mean? I am so curious, I hope dd is interested in letting me what she did this weekend.

Edit: "G" is the girlfriend, in case that wasn't clear :)




Edited 4/5/2005 12:50 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 2:43pm

Thanks for the update. Well it sounds like you are happy and have made a lot of progress with expressing your feelings. I think that is so important.

I saw an interesting show on VH1 last night - it was about Super Models who have relationships with rock stars. These girls are drop-dead gorgeous and they want a fun guy. I am not sure about all of their choices.

But the one story that stood out - and is food for thought - is about the Shannon Tweed who is with Gene Simmons of Kiss. They have been together for 19 years. She said, "He chose not to marry, and I chose not to complain about it." Supposedly their relationship is great/stable. He just doesn't want to be married. But he wants to be with her.

I guess we all have to decide what we elect to do based on what someone else does.

The funny thing is that a lot of these girls made big mistakes and put up with red flags that would have this board upside down with worry. They wear very sexxy provocative clothing. They go to bed on the first date. They sleep with a lot of men who sleep with a lot of women. They don't seem to care about a relationship - yet many do end up married (and divorced as well). The TV makes everything seem so glamorous - makes you wonder how it all really is in real life.

I must admit, Anna Nicole Smith is gorgeous and she has so much charisma!!

I don't think I would be attracted to a rock star, though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 3:06pm

Well, everything *is* great right now, but if my bf said he was sure that he didn't want to marry and didn't want more children (or wanted children but not to marry) I would break up with him on the spot. The more I think about having another child the more I am sure that is what I want, and I have told him I want to get married again and have at least one more child (the only time I've mentioned being okay with not having another child is if I don't find the right person to have another child with, even though sometimes I do think of the possiblilty if marrying without having another child, I haven't ever mentioned that to him). He has consistently referred to having more 'children' but does have some doubts about my illness, which are warranted. I just missed out on so much in my pregnancy with dd because my ex wouldn't touch me unless I made him do it (and that was just to touch my belly and feel the kicks, anything past that was out of the question). My bf is so affectionate and cuddly, being pregnant with him would be awesome (given that I love to be touched and cuddled with). I already know he is a good father and we have very similar views on parenting. We have been talking about babies a lot lately, I know the idea of another child is on his mind. When we went out to dinner on Sunday night the restaurant (small place) had three very cute babies and we talked a lot about health in pregnancy, birth, babies, etc.

Is that what you were getting at? That I might settle for things just as they are and not go for what I really want? That he might never agree to more than what we have now and I might never push the issue?

I'm thinking that this September I turn 35 and if that time approaches and there is still no talk of our future together, it might be as good of time as any to re-evaluate if I should walk away. That is what I was telling my therapist two weeks ago, but I hesitate to say it in absolutes because I don't want there to be a date and an ultimatum. Right now I feel as if the relationship is moving forward and my gut says he's not going to move away, but I won't rely on my gut forever, just for right now it has to be good enough.

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Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 3:53pm

Here is another thing that is kind of huge. My ex and I have joint physical custody. It has been on my mind on how things would work if things did work out with my bf, becuase I would want to move closer to where my bf lives (and then to further complicate things, what if my ex wants to marry his current gf). I am not sure if I can adequately describe this in a post, but I'll try. Picture a map and I live in the middle. My ex lives 1/2 hour to the northwest. My ex works 35 minutes directly north. I work 45 minutes to the southwest (more west than south). My bf lives and works 35 minutes to the northeast. My ex's gf lives and works 45 minutes to the south. Can you see the problem?

My ex and I had a long talk this week because he is thinking of going back to his old employer (45 minutes southwest, but more south than west). Generally our agreement is that we need to live within 20 minutes of each other, or at least 20 minutes of dd's school, but not so close we might bump into each other at the grocery store. We both moved this past summer for the sole reason that the got his current job up north (although the move did put me closer to my bf, so I didn't complain at the time, I didn't realize the full impact of what it would do to my commute, or that my rent would be $300 higher, or that dd's daycare would be $245 per month higher, or that I'd be paying $70 per month in tolls, and of course, my child support obligation went down all of $60 due to the higher daycare costs).

At first I didn't say anything about my ex saying he might go back to his old job, because I try and keep personal conversations to a minimum. But I started thinking, that is very far from where I'd want to live if I were to marry my bf so I called my ex back. We talked quite a bit and agreed that we would be as flexible as we've always been, and since I agreed not to move out of state ever (even before I met my bf, but it was reaffirmed when I brought up the idea of moving out of state with my bf and my ex would not agree to that), my ex agreed that I would not have to give up on a potential marriage just because moving 30 minutes northeast would require us both to make some changes. And the really huge thing, my ex said if I am buying a house next summer (with my bf or without) he will agree that dd can attend school in my school district. That was a big worry for me, that we would have to fight about that because it is not something I would back down on and it's really important to me (and where she goes to school is important to my ex too, but we don't really think the same things are important about it). I was worried that things could progress with my bf and my ex would make a big deal and say he wouldn't move and that we'd be stuck fighting about keeping our current custody arrangement, so now that is much less of a worry (whether moving involves moving to be with my bf, or just moving on my own next summer).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 5:53pm

You sound very healthy on what you want and on your boundaries and goals.

I guess I was bringing up the VH1 show to say that anything goes - have fun - don't worry so much about the rules - you just have to be happy with what you have now - and you sound happy. You are going with the flow.

You do have some time left on your "clock" and that is a good. I think you can push into the early to mid 40s for having a child, especially if it is the 2nd one. But considering how long it takes to meet someone decent when you are older that would also be a concern. And your arthritis situation may shorten your clock a bit - do you think?

I don't have a lot of time left on my clock. But like you, I don't want to have another child without a good healthy relationship and good dad. So I am trying to look at the benefits of meeting someone special and having a baby versus being footloose and fancy free. I don't really have a choice!!

I did see a good piece of advice somewhere - maybe it was on the bonus families site - from a reader who wanted advice on what to do because her SO wanted to marry her but didn't want to accept her kids. The advice was to keep concentrating on your own life and let the relationship fall into place on its own if it is meant to be. Of course that is easier said than done!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 5:58pm
You are a very dedicated mom to make a move like that for your ds to be closer to her dad. Your ex sounds like he is at least workable and that is good. I think you will do fine with all of this.
Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 6:22pm

I think you're right. There IS something about a Spring Thaw (even though I woke up, quite literally, to a blizzard today and as a consequence have my 10 yo ds with me at work. No school...) that sparks you. I know I've been on cloud nine myself, but I really feel it IS because things are "clicking" right now.


I am SO pleased for you to hear that BF responds well to you when you express your feelings. I STILL don't always get that with DH. I have to "prep" him first. ie. "Honey, I've something I need to talk you about. I really need you to just hear me out, even if you don't agree". He does ok most of the time then. lol


I am sorry there still isn't any commitment, but you are learning so much here that it's still a wonderful valuable relationship.


I have to say, I've NO IDEA how you can SLEEP LIKE THAT!!!!!! ROTFL!!!!!!


Anyway, happy for you!

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 7:01pm

Hi First
I think the weather warming up always makes a big change in my mood. I am really a homebody when it's cold. When it's warm I have so much more energy and feel just better.

So glad that you are making progress with your bf and yourself. I know it is a huge step to first recognize your feelings for what they are and then not let them overtake you but express them in healthy ways. Sounds like you both are doing that. That's great!

May I ask, what exactly is he waiting on as far as making up his mind about moving? Is he trying to do something in court first before deciding? Or is just because the move would be so life-changing that he's slow to decide? Just curious. I'm sure you've already discussed this before but I am trying to refresh my memory.

Sleeping til 4:30 with the man you love sounds great! :)

T

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 8:29pm

>>>Sleeping til 4:30 with the man you love sounds great! :)<<<

Yes it is! Even if it's not forever, I am enjoying the moment a bunch (to West's point).

>>>May I ask, what exactly is he waiting on as far as making up his mind about moving?<<<

A big part of it is that it's a lose-lose situation either way and it's a very difficult decision. If he stays, he has to accept not being involved in his son's life, having a weekend here and there, a couple weekends in the summer, not seeing his son grow up, not being there when his son needs him, and missing him so desperately that he feels his heart is being ripped from his body and he'd like to die.

If he moves, he faces the fact that the current custody situation gives him 36 hours per month and his ex will not give one hour more, so even if he moves he has to go back to court (more money he doesn't have) and get back his EOW visitation (this process alone could take who knows how long); his life will be at the whim of his ex and her husband so if they move again, he's supposed to tag along I guess; he will be giving up his job here that he likes, giving up living near his aging mother (and extended family) and also giving up a relationship with me; and then there is the fact that when he has tried, he has been unable to find a decent paying job there. He has been trying for months just to get the courts to recompute the child support, which is way over inflated because it includes daycare expenses and his son hasn't been in daycare for several years (he never asked for it to be lowered before because he would rather his son have the money than pay an attorney to get it adjusted, and once the move-away case came up he didn't want the courts to think it was about money). He needs the child support lowered now (readjusted based on state guidelines) so that he can either 1) afford to fly, rent a car and a hotel once a month so he can see his son or 2) afford to move and take a lower paying job. However, his ex's attorney has repeatedly blocked his access to the courts using legal maneuvers, and he is unable to get around her because he can't afford an attorney right now (fighting the move-away took all his savings, his friends savings, and some of his family members savings). For now he's stuck paying outrageous child support and not seeing his son no matter what he does. I think it's going to be hard for him to decide anything until he finds out what the new child support amount will be, but who knows what it will be that will make the right decision clear to him. From what my bf says (and fwiw my therapist feels he's being honest with me), he simply does not know what is the best decision for him and his son. All he wants is to be involved in his son's life without sacrificing his own life, and none of the options provide for that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 8:33pm

Ok, if I did not have a chronic illness and my bf wasn't able to give in to his underlying depression - there is NO WAY we could sleep like that!

My mom is on vacation in the south but she told me there was a blizzard back home! Yikes! I remember the year I moved away, 1994, it snowed in June in Denver! It was short sleeve whether here today - I hope it warms up for you very soon too (maybe tomorrow?).

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