Boyfriend & DD
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| Wed, 11-24-2004 - 2:27pm |
Hey all,
I've been having some issues lately and I thought you could all offer some good advice. I have a boyfriend that's I've been dating very seriously for about 1.5 years. He practically lives with my dd and I, we talk about marriage and buying a house, etc. That's all good with no problems what so ever.
The problem is his involvement with my 7 year old dd. He loves her, don't get me wrong and she loves him....they'll play, wrestle, play gamecube for hours, watch movies together, go to the movies with us. The problem is him taking part in her extra-curricular activities. He attended ONE of her 18 soccer games and I just asked him last night if he'd go to her Christmas concert, which, by the way, falls on his basketball night. I feel like I have to practically beg him to attend these functions. His blanket response is that she already has a dad. Yes, she does....but I've tried to explain to him, as someone that my dd cares about, she would like him, heck expects, him to be someone who is there cheering her on. I feel the same way and I'm tired of making excuses for him to my daughter.
I'm at the point where I'm ready to never ask him again. But I'm afraid that all that will do is build resentment. And if he does go, I'm afraid the only reason will be because I'm nagging him about it.
In all other aspects he's a great guy. My dd likes him, he does things for her, etc.
Help.

Sounds like he doesn't want to overstep the boundaries of her dad. Looking at it that way, I can understand why he would react in that way. I'm sure he loves your daughter, but doesn't want to push it.
Does her dad go to the events? He may be uncomfortable if that were the case.
Whatever the cause, you should bring it up, but not at the time. Just tell him that it means a lot to your daughter and that she would be thrilled for him to come, even on occassion. Sure, she has a dad, but THIS MAN is a MAJOR part of her life and fills in a very important role to her. The more love and support she feels from those she is close to, the more enriched her life will be.
Just ensure that when you talk to him, it's on her behalf. You're not asking for you. You don't want to nag. You don't want to take him away from his own things (ie. his game night).
Hopefully he understands if you approach it from her point of view, and not ten minutes before the event.
Good luck
Alison
In my opinion, I think you need to be happy with what you have and manage your expectations. If he is spending quality time with her one on one that is great. But he should not be expected to attend her functions, particularly if her biological dad is there. Your BF should be allowed to have his game nights and time to himself.
Personally I don't like attending those types of functions, not even for my own son, and I would resent someone asking me to do that for their kids.
Maybe as a way to compromise, you can pick a few of the most important events, like the Xmas function or other special event, and then ask him ahead of time if he would come to one or two.
Hi
He obviously likes your dd and enjoys spending time with her or he wouldn't play with her and spend so much time with the two of you. So it seems like he is either just trying to respect her bio dad OR he really is uncomfortable around him (have there ever been problems there?) if your dd's dad does attend these events? If not, maybe he really just doesn't want to go. I had to chuckle when I read West's response, I thought I was the only mom who felt that way!!! haha. I don't always want to go to my kids' things. I'm so glad they stopped playing soccer, that was just torture!!!!
My SO lives with my kids and I and he is not big into attending the sporting events and such, partially because he just finds it boring and partially because of his aversion to my ex. But the really important things, like my daughter's school play, he attends. He suffers through my ex being there (he absolutely hates my ex for good reason) and shows support to my dd. My kids appreciate him being there and really he gets a kick out of sharing that with us. but if he refused to go to any event, I would definitely have a problem with it. I'd never expect or even ask him to go to every one, but some, yes.
I guess I'd like to hear more info about your situation too.
Hugs
Tara