Boyfriend & DD

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Boyfriend & DD
5
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 2:27pm

Hey all,

I've been having some issues lately and I thought you could all offer some good advice. I have a boyfriend that's I've been dating very seriously for about 1.5 years. He practically lives with my dd and I, we talk about marriage and buying a house, etc. That's all good with no problems what so ever.

The problem is his involvement with my 7 year old dd. He loves her, don't get me wrong and she loves him....they'll play, wrestle, play gamecube for hours, watch movies together, go to the movies with us. The problem is him taking part in her extra-curricular activities. He attended ONE of her 18 soccer games and I just asked him last night if he'd go to her Christmas concert, which, by the way, falls on his basketball night. I feel like I have to practically beg him to attend these functions. His blanket response is that she already has a dad. Yes, she does....but I've tried to explain to him, as someone that my dd cares about, she would like him, heck expects, him to be someone who is there cheering her on. I feel the same way and I'm tired of making excuses for him to my daughter.

I'm at the point where I'm ready to never ask him again. But I'm afraid that all that will do is build resentment. And if he does go, I'm afraid the only reason will be because I'm nagging him about it.

In all other aspects he's a great guy. My dd likes him, he does things for her, etc.

Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 8:27pm

Sounds like he doesn't want to overstep the boundaries of her dad. Looking at it that way, I can understand why he would react in that way. I'm sure he loves your daughter, but doesn't want to push it.

Does her dad go to the events? He may be uncomfortable if that were the case.

Whatever the cause, you should bring it up, but not at the time. Just tell him that it means a lot to your daughter and that she would be thrilled for him to come, even on occassion. Sure, she has a dad, but THIS MAN is a MAJOR part of her life and fills in a very important role to her. The more love and support she feels from those she is close to, the more enriched her life will be.

Just ensure that when you talk to him, it's on her behalf. You're not asking for you. You don't want to nag. You don't want to take him away from his own things (ie. his game night).

Hopefully he understands if you approach it from her point of view, and not ten minutes before the event.

Good luck
Alison

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 8:53pm
If your DD's dad is going to the events, I can completely understand your boyfriend. I think you have a good situation with your boyfriend. He spends a lot of time with your DD. Most men wouldn't spend that much time with their own child, let alone their girlfriend's child. Sounds like you're lucky to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 8:55pm

In my opinion, I think you need to be happy with what you have and manage your expectations. If he is spending quality time with her one on one that is great. But he should not be expected to attend her functions, particularly if her biological dad is there. Your BF should be allowed to have his game nights and time to himself.

Personally I don't like attending those types of functions, not even for my own son, and I would resent someone asking me to do that for their kids.

Maybe as a way to compromise, you can pick a few of the most important events, like the Xmas function or other special event, and then ask him ahead of time if he would come to one or two.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 9:41am
I think for the moment your good to go,as long as the father is in the game of showing support, their isn't any reason or boyfriend should get involved, but if not, then he should attend one or two events that are VERY important. Like a christmas pageant or a championship sports event. I don't think you should be grateful for him being good to your daughter, because I expect any man that wants to be with me, to also like and treat my children well. Especially if he's going to be a part of my family. I don't think it should be a big deal to make an exception for MY daughter verses a sports game. So, basically I do agree with the women, but I would see it as an issue for me. I guess it just depends though how long you've been together, if your engaged or not, if your living together or not. How serious basically. If he's serious and their is a ring on your finger, or soon to be, then yes, I would expect him to attend a few, if not, well, then I think you'll have to see if you can deal with that or not. It would make my children think he didn't care, but that's just my kids, they are pretty sensitive.
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 2:56pm

Hi
He obviously likes your dd and enjoys spending time with her or he wouldn't play with her and spend so much time with the two of you. So it seems like he is either just trying to respect her bio dad OR he really is uncomfortable around him (have there ever been problems there?) if your dd's dad does attend these events? If not, maybe he really just doesn't want to go. I had to chuckle when I read West's response, I thought I was the only mom who felt that way!!! haha. I don't always want to go to my kids' things. I'm so glad they stopped playing soccer, that was just torture!!!!

My SO lives with my kids and I and he is not big into attending the sporting events and such, partially because he just finds it boring and partially because of his aversion to my ex. But the really important things, like my daughter's school play, he attends. He suffers through my ex being there (he absolutely hates my ex for good reason) and shows support to my dd. My kids appreciate him being there and really he gets a kick out of sharing that with us. but if he refused to go to any event, I would definitely have a problem with it. I'd never expect or even ask him to go to every one, but some, yes.

I guess I'd like to hear more info about your situation too.

Hugs
Tara