Boyfriend distant to my son
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| Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:16pm |
I posted the following message on the "Life in Our 30s" board and I was recommended to post it here as well because I am a single mommy. Hopefully someone can shed some light on my situation. This is what I posted:
I'm not sure how to take in my current relationship. I have been dating, exclusively, a man for 18 months. We took a one month break awhile back, but otherwise have been great. I am a single mom, to a 9 year old boy. His father is not in the picture, never has been and never will be...just an FYI. I have never had an exclusive relationship since my son has been born. That's why I'm here, on this site looking for guidance.
I decided to discuss my son with my boyfriend. He is not very kid friendly and sometimes I feel like my son annoys him. States he has never been around children and has never dated a girl with a child. I told him I wish he liked my son as much as my son likes him. He said it has nothing to do with not liking my son, it has to do with keeping his distance. He said if our relationship were more serious, meaning a ring on my finger and wedding bells in the picture, he would make the effort to be more interested in my son. He said until that happens, he doesn't feel it's right to be more familiar with my son. He said he is dating me, not my son. I told him that being child friendly and not acting like my son causes tension doesn't mean you are taking on the role of dad. You can be a child's friend without being his father figure.
Am I placing too many expectations on him as a boyfriend? He is after all my boyfriend, not the dad. And he is my boyfriend because he loves me. But, when you date a single mom aren't you also dating the child? What are boyfriends of single mom's supposed to do when it comes to the child? Should you only focus on the relationship of the mom and the boyfriend and allow that to mature before the child is configured into the equation? Knowing that he feels this way, I want to ask him to stop spending the night then. (Which he only does once a week or maybe only once every other week.) Is that being silly on my part? I just don't know how to handle this since I am not familiar with how single mom's and boyfriends are supposed to act.

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I can completely sympathize with both you and your boyfriend. I have been dating a wonderful man for the last 18 months and he and I both have children. I have a 5 year old boy, and he has a 9year boy. We have discussed how to treat each other's kids countless times. I have to agree somewhat with your Bf, I'm nervous about getting to attached to his son, and then breaking up (for whatever reason) I'm afraid it would hurt not only me, but also the 9 year old. On the other hand, it's easier for me to "mother" both boys at the same time. I want to show my BF that if we were to marry I would be a good step-mom. It's as easy as hanging out with the kid, and being a good adult friend.
A few years ago I dated a man who tried to, but just couldn't connect with my son. I soon began to realize that things really would change if there was a ring on my finger because my son would never be his son in any more than name. We broke up after 2.5 years. It was tough, but now I'm with a man who will adopt my son if we marry.
You and I both are looking for fathers for our children, since their sperm donors have never become that. I'd say that when measuring the quality of a relationship, your sons best interest and needs are just as impotant as yours. If he can't tolerate him, or even like him now, he won't later.
Corrie
I would be very concerned as well given the situation.
I agree with Alison.
I think that people either 1) like kids and enjoy their company and entertainment or 2) don't appreciate them or want the work
I think you know which one he is - I don't like his excuse. I don't see anything wrong with enjoying a kid and taking care not to overdo it. Kids are funny - they offer entertainment all on their own with the way they see the world. There is nothing wrong with talking to them and laughing at them and enrichening their lives. But someone who is very selfish will not see it that way.
I would rather be alone and totally into my kid than have to battle someone who competes with my kid for attention and who just makes life a fight between them. I think you have to think long and hard about this. 18 months is a long time. You should have a good idea by now - either he is really into you and your kid and things are going in the right direction for the whole package to be happy or they are not. Taking more time is not going to help you really.
I wish you well with whatever you decide. Take good care of you and DS.
I agree, Judy.
Good points.
This is key in my opinion, "they enjoy each other's company" - it just has to be easy.
I would think long and hard, and do some serious soul searching If I were you, perhaps even cool things off and take a hard look at what the relationship and man are truely all about, and I would let him know what you're doing and why. It may give him a badly needed wake up call about how serious this issue is. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best.
Well, it sounds like he's quite involved in your son.
From your further postings he sounds just like my ex-husband was in the beginning. I really hope for your sons sake, I'm wrong. Granted your bf is young and inexperienced, and he's really not getting it. It's obvious that he sees your son as a nusance, an annoyance to put up with. He's doing things with your son, not because he really wants to, but because he knows it's what will win points with you. His heart is just not in it, and it may never be. There is a slight chance that your bf over time may mature and grow to have a geniune bond with your son, but I stand by my previous post, I see deeper issues here. The sad thing is that the one who may end up getting hurt most is your son.
Your instincts are already telling you all is not right. Don't ignore them. In my case I wish that I hadn't, I have one child with my exh, and he is an emotional cold fish with her as well, he never changed. In hindsight, I really regreat not having paid attention to my reservations about him. They were the same as yours, you may be dealing with someone like my exh as well. As I stated in my previous post, I think you may need to step back and reevaluate the whole situation. Trust yourself and your instincts.
All the best in 2006.
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