Boyfriend distant to my son

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2005
Boyfriend distant to my son
11
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:16pm

I posted the following message on the "Life in Our 30s" board and I was recommended to post it here as well because I am a single mommy. Hopefully someone can shed some light on my situation. This is what I posted:

I'm not sure how to take in my current relationship. I have been dating, exclusively, a man for 18 months. We took a one month break awhile back, but otherwise have been great. I am a single mom, to a 9 year old boy. His father is not in the picture, never has been and never will be...just an FYI. I have never had an exclusive relationship since my son has been born. That's why I'm here, on this site looking for guidance.

I decided to discuss my son with my boyfriend. He is not very kid friendly and sometimes I feel like my son annoys him. States he has never been around children and has never dated a girl with a child. I told him I wish he liked my son as much as my son likes him. He said it has nothing to do with not liking my son, it has to do with keeping his distance. He said if our relationship were more serious, meaning a ring on my finger and wedding bells in the picture, he would make the effort to be more interested in my son. He said until that happens, he doesn't feel it's right to be more familiar with my son. He said he is dating me, not my son. I told him that being child friendly and not acting like my son causes tension doesn't mean you are taking on the role of dad. You can be a child's friend without being his father figure.

Am I placing too many expectations on him as a boyfriend? He is after all my boyfriend, not the dad. And he is my boyfriend because he loves me. But, when you date a single mom aren't you also dating the child? What are boyfriends of single mom's supposed to do when it comes to the child? Should you only focus on the relationship of the mom and the boyfriend and allow that to mature before the child is configured into the equation? Knowing that he feels this way, I want to ask him to stop spending the night then. (Which he only does once a week or maybe only once every other week.) Is that being silly on my part? I just don't know how to handle this since I am not familiar with how single mom's and boyfriends are supposed to act.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 6:09pm

I can completely sympathize with both you and your boyfriend. I have been dating a wonderful man for the last 18 months and he and I both have children. I have a 5 year old boy, and he has a 9year boy. We have discussed how to treat each other's kids countless times. I have to agree somewhat with your Bf, I'm nervous about getting to attached to his son, and then breaking up (for whatever reason) I'm afraid it would hurt not only me, but also the 9 year old. On the other hand, it's easier for me to "mother" both boys at the same time. I want to show my BF that if we were to marry I would be a good step-mom. It's as easy as hanging out with the kid, and being a good adult friend.
A few years ago I dated a man who tried to, but just couldn't connect with my son. I soon began to realize that things really would change if there was a ring on my finger because my son would never be his son in any more than name. We broke up after 2.5 years. It was tough, but now I'm with a man who will adopt my son if we marry.
You and I both are looking for fathers for our children, since their sperm donors have never become that. I'd say that when measuring the quality of a relationship, your sons best interest and needs are just as impotant as yours. If he can't tolerate him, or even like him now, he won't later.

Corrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 7:42pm

I would be very concerned as well given the situation.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 10:07pm

I agree with Alison.

I think that people either 1) like kids and enjoy their company and entertainment or 2) don't appreciate them or want the work

I think you know which one he is - I don't like his excuse. I don't see anything wrong with enjoying a kid and taking care not to overdo it. Kids are funny - they offer entertainment all on their own with the way they see the world. There is nothing wrong with talking to them and laughing at them and enrichening their lives. But someone who is very selfish will not see it that way.

I would rather be alone and totally into my kid than have to battle someone who competes with my kid for attention and who just makes life a fight between them. I think you have to think long and hard about this. 18 months is a long time. You should have a good idea by now - either he is really into you and your kid and things are going in the right direction for the whole package to be happy or they are not. Taking more time is not going to help you really.

I wish you well with whatever you decide. Take good care of you and DS.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 1:01am

I agree, Judy.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 8:41am

Good points.

This is key in my opinion, "they enjoy each other's company" - it just has to be easy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:50pm
18 months is a long time to be together and he not make any real bonding efforts with your son. True he's not dating him, however what's important to you sould also be important to him. He sounds like my ex-husband, an emtional cold fish. Trust me on this one, it will not get better even if you marry. My ex treated my 2 kids after we were married a couple of years like dirt! To this day they dispise him! I have one child left at home and my number one litmus test for dating someone seriously would be how well he treated my daughter. I'm a package deal, and what's #1 in my life better be important to him! She dosen't need a father, but ask yourself what type of man would distance himself from a child who is reaching out to him, or just being nice to him;etc. I see a big red flag here! Even before I had children of my own, I was always kind and compassionate towards them, so I truely can't understand people with his attitude. I see a man who lacks compassion and understanding here, and those are serious issues that go way beyond his lack of bonding with your son.
I would think long and hard, and do some serious soul searching If I were you, perhaps even cool things off and take a hard look at what the relationship and man are truely all about, and I would let him know what you're doing and why. It may give him a badly needed wake up call about how serious this issue is. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 7:51pm
They do play together...legos, chess, gamecube, baseball and football in the backyard, they talk about sports. My bf even told me last night that if he had a child, he would want him to be just like my son....smart, well behaved, athletic, and adorable. He asks about my son when we talk on the phone. He calls me to tell me when he sees something in the store that my son might like. Maybe I just wish for too much. Maybe I'm not appreciating what is already there. I think since my son asks for a father so much, I may be putting too many expectations on my bf to hurry up and fill those shoes. I see him connecting with my son, but not like child friendly people do. I can compare him to the last guy I was with and often find myself wishing he was child friendly like him. My bf tells me he has changed since we started dating. He doesn't feel as annoyed by my son as he first did. I think he still has the single-selfish mentality that you can't have as a parent....but he isn't the parent. He has made many changes since we started dating, changes with his own personality flaws. Things I pointed out that he never realized, but once he saw them for himself he wanted to change who he was. Maybe I need to give this more time. Some people change at slower paces, and he is 29 years old. So the last year of his life compared with the last 28 years of his life doesn't compete.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 8:42pm

Well, it sounds like he's quite involved in your son.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 9:06pm
I'm not looking for a replacement father, I know that can never be. I guess I am looking for my bf to not feel forced to play with my son, I wish for him to WANT to play with my son. I've never actually asked him to "go in there and play with him", that's not what I mean by forced. I guess I mean that he never initiates the connection. I want him to start a conversation with my son and not only talk to my son because my son started the conversation. I want to see him walk in and be excited to see my son, and not have a look of annoyance on his face. I can read his facial expressions and body language. I don't want to have to say, my son has been waiting for you to get here, could you at least go say hi to him. A child friendly guy looks and acts like he enjoys the child being in the room, he shouldn't look annoyed or tensed up. He should ask about the child because he is interested, not because he thinks he should. The last few times my bf came over, it was after my son was in bed. His reasoning is that because we get to spend such little time together, he wants me all to himself and wants my undivided attention. I've never asked my bf to go to school functions or to take on the role of dad. Like I said, he has never dated someone with a child before and he is used to doing things on his time and his way. He often doesn't ask us along to places with him because he says having a child complicates things. His definition is that he doesn't want to put me in a situation of asking for a babysitter or someone else to take on my responsibilities. He doesn't want to impose my son on others or he doesn't know how my son might react to a situation, so he just doesn't invite us. I guess looking over the past 18 months, he has changed and does invite us more frequently than in the beginning. I'm just ready for more. He reminds me of a person that doesn't show emotion. Ever meet a person like that? You can't tell if they would freak out from a hug. Well, he is extremely emotional and affectionate with me, but not my son. Is that forcing him to be ready for more, when he isn't there yet?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 10:33am

From your further postings he sounds just like my ex-husband was in the beginning. I really hope for your sons sake, I'm wrong. Granted your bf is young and inexperienced, and he's really not getting it. It's obvious that he sees your son as a nusance, an annoyance to put up with. He's doing things with your son, not because he really wants to, but because he knows it's what will win points with you. His heart is just not in it, and it may never be. There is a slight chance that your bf over time may mature and grow to have a geniune bond with your son, but I stand by my previous post, I see deeper issues here. The sad thing is that the one who may end up getting hurt most is your son.
Your instincts are already telling you all is not right. Don't ignore them. In my case I wish that I hadn't, I have one child with my exh, and he is an emotional cold fish with her as well, he never changed. In hindsight, I really regreat not having paid attention to my reservations about him. They were the same as yours, you may be dealing with someone like my exh as well. As I stated in my previous post, I think you may need to step back and reevaluate the whole situation. Trust yourself and your instincts.

All the best in 2006.

The T Girl

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