Brian seemed like he missed me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Brian seemed like he missed me...
4
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 12:38pm

when he came to drop off the kids last night...but it was about the money. He was acting strange like he was actually thinking about what happened to us. He even pulled me over to him and hugged me. Me being a basket case, it was easy for me to get emotional about that. I asked him what was going on, what was bothering him. Turns out he's ready to declare backrupcty and he's real worried about money. So he didn't actually miss me- he's missing the money he would have had if we were still together because of my new job. Brian told me that he's happy to pay child support but that it is a lot out of his paycheck and "it just didn't seem like spent that much on the kids when we were married." I felt sort of ill when he left.
I feel so sad lately. I can't seem to stop crying. I had my last class on Thursday but I didn't get to graduate with my class because I still have 80 or so clinical hours to finish. I'm glad to be done with school but it has made me realize how close I am to just going off on my merry way and supporting the kids myself and how - liberated? no- profoundly scared and lonely that made me feel. I can't think of any other words. Really scared. Really alone. The world feels cold and threatening to me. I'm eager to get out of my parents house with the kids because the atmosphere is so unpredictable and uncomfortable- (have I mentioned that my alcholic, paranoid schizphrenic brother lives here too?) but it is frightening too because I am going off to make a life for these kids and myself without that husband that I felt I was entitled to when I made vows. My completion of school is bringing the wave of reality of divorce back to me. It keeps going out to sea and then it rolls back in and hits me again. So much is going on in my mind. I feel keenly aware that I am ready to make another move ahead in healing of the divorce and I feel that it is key for the kids and me to move into our own place to do that. I can't even begin to describe the family dynamics here. My childhood is inescapeable here. A little bit more of me dies every day that we stay here.
I should be employable by July. Even though I don't technically graduate until August, I can work as soon as my hours are done. My comprehensive exams went well. I'm on my way. Thanks for listening guys.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 1:03pm

July will come fast - start doing research for a house - you WILL DO IT! There is much to be done - you have to research the area, see what you can afford.

And of course you will have to do job research, too. Keep busy on the future.

I know you are going to graduate and get a GREAT job and you will pull through this. You cannot go back to a crappy husband and marriage that didn't work. And you can't stay in that house with an alcoholic brother. So you have to forge ahead.

I know exactly how you feel because when I got divorced September 11, 2001 hit and I had to take my business through a recession. I had to refinance a bunch of debt and get over poor accounting practices left behind by my xh. And you know what? I worked hard and kept at it. When I got too upset I would go to bed early.

And now - I am doing great - wouldn't have it any other way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 1:05pm

I just remembered something else - although he is the counterpart to your divorce, he is still human and going through a divorce, too. He is bound to have times like that. Don't let it sway you.

My ex has done this too - sometimes he just needed me to say you will do fine or give my opinion on a matter with his family. I always slant it according to what ds would need. But don't get too involved - just give minimal support.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:21pm

Amy sweetie,
I am sooooooo proud of you! Your doing sooo great! Keep your head up and everything will turn out just fine. Seems like both of us is going for a major change. It's scary I know, and you should let yourself cry as much as you want because that helps put things in better perspective sometimes and just releaves the stress. I know you can do this and I am really proud of you. I really really am and your a wonderful inspiration to us.

As for Brian, I totally agree to what Judy says, but I also have to say that Men love their money and if he gives you the sad, puppy dog thing then remember it might be, because he is trying to pull on your heart strings, so that he doesn't have to pay childsupport. No matter how much it hurts you or how guilty he makes you feel. This is about the kids and not about you. Stay strong and firm and separate the two.

Big hugs,

Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 10:44pm

Catherine and Judy,

Thank you for the support and you brought up some good points. Brian is sad too (though for different reasons than I am!) but I need to keep my emotional distance and not get sucked in. I think that you are right Cat, in that Brian was trying to guilt trip me a little about his paying child support. That's not exactly what you said but I think that is what you implied. I'm sure Brian would love for me to say, "Forget it- you need the money more than me." I'm going to have to ignore those emotional pulls and just remind myself of the facts. He pays the percentage that is required by state law.

On the note of child support, Cat, I can't believe that "Bonehead Scott" hung up on you when you brought it up. Alex is his daughter for God's sake. I don't understand how it is that he expects to ease back into your life and still having nothing to do with supporting his own child. I have to give you a lot of credit, Catherine, because you have taken care of 2 kids alone. I can't imagine how things would be if I didn't get money from Brian, or if he didn't take the kids a couple days a week. You've had it especially hard. That really sucks.

Judy, about the job, I dont have to job search. I have one. (And I'm going to be making alot more money than Brian, hence his sudden pining for me.) Speech pathologists are highly in demand now and companies sniff around colleges waiting for ppl to graduate. I have a job with a small agency that contracts therapists out to area nursing homes and hospitals. I'm actually working with this company presently (minus the paycheck) in order to satisy my clinical hours requirements for graduation. Once the hours are completed I'll go to work one day and get a paycheck. I love the work. It combines 2 of my great loves- language and helping ppl. In the type of setting I'm in, most of my patients are stroke victims but there are other situations as well.

Now Catherine, I know I should probably ask you this on your thread but, while I'm thinking of it, I would love to hear more about "Good Scott" or whatever you want to call him! It all sound so romantic and stories like that keep my hope in love alive. Details, details.

Thanks again ladies. I'll talk to you soon,

Amy