Broom Hilda strikes again

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Broom Hilda strikes again
41
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 5:06pm

Why can't she just go away? Does anyone have any anti-witch spray? Her presence gives me an unbearable rash.


So the good, positive news first! I could not go with him (Blue Eyes)to Vegas to help his daughter move. It was too short of notice for me to pick up and leave. Blue Eyes surprised me by calling his (fully capable twenty something year old)

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 2:21pm

Either way I hope you get away soon!! You deserve a vaca or at least some days away after making it through the frozen tundra of your winter!


I've got spring fever big time. So much is comming up! DD's birthday 4/5, Disneyland 4/11 and 4/12, my B-Day 4/22, then going to see Def Lepoard/Styx/REO 4/25 in San Diego area, then BE's B-day in May. DD has plays and ballet performances throughout the spring and summer. And somewhere in there I have to fit in my swimming time, and my bro wants me to come up tp Seattle this fall! Whew!!!


A vaca to Mexico sounds so great!

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 2:32pm
Little Star - I LOVE this analogy!
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 2:45pm

DD's birthday 4/5, Disneyland 4/11 and 4/12, my B-Day 4/22


That's odd--my birthday is 4-4 and my DS's b-day is 4-19!

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 2:47pm

That's cool! Spring babies yay!


I forgot to add- my dad's is the same day as me!

~Pacific~
~Pacific~
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 3:11pm

we talked till 1am about my past and how I had to learn boundaries because I was raised by a mom who used to try to hold me emotionally hostage. I broke free from that guilt trip a long time ago. And now i am trying to help him see the same light.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 3:16pm

The darkness is getting lighter and I am becoming more intune to myself, my needs and self respect towards myself.


Yes!!!!!


That makes me so happy to know that you are healing like that. I can tell from your posts- your light shines though and you have certainly overcome the dark shadows. You're a light for everyone!


Disfunction and addiction and all these things in families that make parents and caregivers selfish- take away from the needs of the kids- casts those shadows of guilt. That breakthough point when you finally realize they were being selfish and it was not your fault is life changing. It was for me, too.


:o)

~Pacific~
~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 7:58pm

Oh wow Pac-Sun... what a great post about how codependency works, and how the co-dependent person gets that "payoff" by being so much a pleaser! I totally get it- as I am a former people-pleaser. Though my "payoff" was not to feel needed so much as I would do it to avoid conflict. But either way... I just didn't set boundaries and it was unhealthy (and I ended up losing myself in the process because I became a doormat). Even if I wasn't hurt by the other person- I was still a doormat in that I was so passive. You've never seen a doormat standing up, have you?!?


Anyway- I'm glad you and BE had the time to talk, and I'm glad that he got a glimmer of the whole picture when it comes to setting boundaries, and how being "too helpful" all the time, is just feeding other people's needs and black holes. And to see that in the end, he just ends up being used.


I bet he feels REAL safe with you- knowing that you won't be taking advantage of him in that way. He probably didn't even realize that the kind of relationship you guys are developing... even exists. A relationship that isn't totally filled with a need of some kind or another.


Way to go!!!


~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:00am
I just realized that my original post to you about this never posted. Sorry I didnt catch that sooner. It was a few days ago! Anyhow, I just wanted to say that I admire you for taking these issues head on and not letting things fester toomuch. I think it is so wise to keep everything out in the open and even if you arent sure to what extent your feelings will or can be validated. The fact is that most of our feelings are half past and half present and the more intense they are the more I find this to be true. But the other fact is that this is nothing to be upset about because no matter whether some of your feelings are being influence by past or some by present, they are still coming from you and by being your partner he is responsible on some level for being there for you and helping you move through conflicts - conflicts with him or with someone else or even yourself. I know it might sound crazy but I frequently have conversations with SYB ( bf's nickname - hello!) which start like this "I know this isnt going to make any sense but so and so is making feel like .......and I end up just thinking ......and then I am right back to ....." and he just listens and asks if he can help. I have learned not to care how I sounds to him at first but just to start talking and then we will work our way around to what is really going on in my head. Who cares if it all ends up being about something else totally unrelated. Either way he can help me figure it out because he knows more about me now than anyone. He is ok with all of it and thats what makes me feel safe. I think it was just the other day that I said " YOu know i think you dont take any joy in making me a cup of coffee if I ask for one do you? You do it because you love me but you are not joyful the way you get when you do other things for me" and he said "you know you are right. I'm sorry. I dont know why making coffee seems like a hassle when it isnt and I didnt know you were picking up on that." So I pointed out to him that he had told me that he always made coffee for his ex and she never thanked him and even went as far to say that he was in her way when she was trying to get ready for work. He just kind of stood there and went "wow, you think I am still there?" and I went "well yea, maybe. I dont care if you are - just get the hell back as soon as poss:)" and he laughed and made me a cup of coffee.
YOu are very intuitive about your bf as well and I think you have made him think of things he just hadnt takent he time out to assess. This is valuable for him because it helps him as a person but it also helps him see how much you are worth to him as a partner. You see possibilities for growth where he might not and if you can both do that for each other, to me you are golden!
Sorry my other post was removed. or lost. I cant even remember what it said exactly now. LOL I wrote differently this time having read some of the other posts.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 12:05pm

Thanks for your encouragement Shrimpy!!


I've been a people pleaser, too. I've fallen into the trap. I'm learning and with all the family baggage it did take quite a while to shake! One thing now is that when it comes to someone's attempt to emotionally manipulate me (even if they do it subconsciously) I get angry and very resistant to engaging with them at all. BLue Eyes copes differently- he is still in the mode of catering to make them happy- and he does that I believe due to fear instilled in him as a boy by his mom. He just copes and reacts differently to dependancy of others than I have learned to. But being with him maybe we can shed light on each others realitys. I can learn to break down my own walls a little bit and he can learn to build his more.


I appreciate your comment that BE probably feels safe with me. I think that he does feel this is different, because I am not a taker and I have boundaries, yet love him very much.


Hugs!!!


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 12:33pm

and not letting things fester toomuch. I think it is so wise to keep everything out in the open and even if you arent sure to

~Pacific~