Building a LTR with a single mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2007
Building a LTR with a single mom
42
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 4:10pm
I've recently started dating a 20 yr old single mom (im 23) with a 14 month old son. This experience is unlike any other relationship I've had. Right now the only problems I've encountered have occured as of late. It seems to me that the "puppy love" stage has already passed for her, as today is our 1st month anniversary. Given both of our dating histories, I felt this was a day worthy of a little celebration and bought her a dozen roses. While she appreciated the flowers she felt that I was overly excited for it being only a month. Also she is delegating less of her time to spending with me in favor of going out with old freinds and clubbing. I understand she has to have her own time to spend with out me, but it felt very sudden. The other troubling thing is its been almost a week since we've been intimate, and given her plans for the rest of the week, this could become two weeks. This early on in a relationship, I don't expect the passion to die out so quickly. I don't know if its a test she's conducting to make sure im not just dating her for the "nooky" but my past experiences with women tell me that she's losing interest. Am I just overanalyzing (as she believes) or should I be worried things are coming to a screeching halt? She says she loves me and she's not going anywhere but its difficult for me to believe that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 6:02pm

I was 20 when I had my first child and even though I was married at the time I have to admit there is a strong struggle against being young and being a mother. You are young but you have a responsibility that most people attach with being older and wiser...and you wonder why you can't just be young. I think it's difficult to create a balance and just from what you've written it sounds very likely that she may not be mature enough to deal with that internal struggle PLUS a serious relationship.

Now I'm basing this off of very limited information but from my own experience. But good luck to you and keep us updated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 6:06pm

Oh wow- so many things to address...

One thing though- is that I'm not her, and I don't know you or her, and what your relationship is like. So what I say will be based on how I see things (and I tend to think I am not "like most women" in how I think).

As a single mom, I would be hesitant to jump into anything too deeply with a man when it has only been one month of dating. It's romantic of you to think of the one-month mark as a cause for celebration, but for me, it's just a drop in the time bucket and things are still SO very new to be all about "red roses". I think to get a dozen red roses from a man I'd been dating only one month- would be flattering- but I would also freak a bit. Because it's ONLY ONE MONTH and he's already thinking "love" and roses already?!?? But you have to know me- I'm someone who likes to take my time. There are women out there who might think of 'one month' as dating a long time, but I don't. I'd be freaking a bit and pulling back at a dozen roses this early in the game.

If she wants some space to go out with her own friends, I'd suggest you let her have that space. If you're not okay with it, then let her go (break things off with her) because trying to stop her from having time with her friends will become an issue that builds a wall in your relationship. (On the flip side- I would never tell my BF that he can't go out with his friends or go do things on his own.)

And about it being "only one week since being intimate"... slow down, buddy!! Why does 'one week since' turn into a danger sign?? Unless I'm missing something that you didn't clarify... I don't think it's a problem that you guys might've gone a whole week without sex. Just because you've already done it, doesn't mean it has to be an everyday thing, does it??! Again- maybe I'm reading you wrong here on that, but that's what I'm getting from what you wrote.

As a single Mom dating a single Dad, I know sometimes we're lucky to get together once a week. And it's not a relationship problem! It's just a matter of life scheduling when you have kids! But if you are bugging her about "how long it's been" (when it hasn't even been THAT long ago)- then I can see why she might wonder if you are interested only for the 'nookie'. I'd be backing off, too.

I don't think the issues you brought up are things you guys can't talk out and work through. But just don't start assuming things. And slow down... take your time, and let things develop as they develop. It's only been a month, so it's still quite new! Let it grow on its own!

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 6:13pm

I have to add too... I'm not one of the "younger set" here, I'm 42. So my words are coming from someone who could almost be your Mom. (Yikes) So maybe the viewpoint from the 20-something women here might make more sense.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 6:42pm
Thanks to you who have replied so soon. I should go into more detail to clarify since reading it back to myself makes me sound more like someone just chasing after sex. When im refering to being intimate I should have included that its not just sex. Over all she has been keeping more physical space between us, such as today when I visited her after I left work. I had to make the "first" move in sorts to kiss her.. and when i did, It felt like it lacked something, closest word i can find is it lacked passion , before we would cuddle up anytime we sat near one another, now she keeps to herself . She told me her head "wasnt on right" today and that things were bothering her that when i asked, she told me none I could assist with. Although today wasnt the first day she seemed distant. Ive spoke with freinds and they all agree just to give her space or it will just cause more problems. I'm just used to dating "clingy" women and google tells me I'm emotionally dependent to begin with, so I think I've just got some adjusting to do becuase I'd like to see this last. I know it's early but I've think I found a keeper, if only I can put my finger on this change I've felt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 6:45pm
one more tidbit that some may find interesting. She was the first to start tossing around the "L" word. that was only after 3 weeks of flirting and less than 2 weeks dating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 6:52pm

Are you visiting her after work just because it's convenient for you? Because you like her so much, you just want to spend more time hanging out with her?

I went out with someone who did that. He would just automatically show up at my door after he got off work, rather than going home. And expected me to let him in and being the nice person I was, I would always let him in. (I know- I taught him how to treat me) But truthfully, I found it sort of an "invasion" on my space when he would invite himself over without MY inviting him over. Sometimes it was just me and the kids and we were busy with our usual evening routine, and I wasn't in the mood to "entertain" anyone!! And I don't mean sex. I just meant that he would come by and wanted me to talk with him, keep him company, eat with us... it was just too much. I didn't want an instant boyfriend who practically moved in.

So I hope you're not being 'one of those guys' with her- because maybe she is wanting her space. Maybe she is wanting you to respect her space and not show up like it is supposed to be something automatic.

Call her, arrange a date. Ask her out to something specific. Ask her out to dinner if you want to see her more. But please, don't make it a habit of just showing up at her door after work because you can't wait to see her some more. Treat her like she is worth the wait, the time, the effort, not just something convenient and handy.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 7:15pm
I'm with shrimpy on this....it's a lot clingy, especially after such a short time. I think any girl would be a little put off by wanting so much so soon. I stick by my thing that she still wants to be young and a boyfriend may not be the way to get that feeling...PLUS if both of you are in your early 20's why the rush for such a serious relationship right off the bat??
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 9:37pm

Excellent point, shrimps!

To our OP, it sounds like she is cooling in her feelings - this could be overall with you - that she has gotten tired of you - or she is getting tired of so much time together and you being in her space when she doesn't want you there.

One thing to keep in mind with a single mom is that she already has the demands of another human being and that can be tiring on someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 9:46pm
thanks you shrimpy, your prespective is greatly appreaciated. i went to see her after work becuase she sent me a text message to call her when i got out of work and she invited me over. i had our mutual freind call her just to call to see how we were doing ( this freind is my ex that didnt want me to date her freind to begin with) and explained to me that julie , my girlfreind, was feeling pressured by my hints of wanting to marry her and my uncomfortbality with her making plans with out me and assured me that she only wants to be able to make plans independently , some of which that dont involve me, and she does love me and is in for the long run. ive had so many bad relationships that i dont know how to handle a good one that needs comprimise and independence that ive overreacted to her pushing me away. i can finally sleep and go to bed knowing there is hope for tommorrow, as im tired of the dating scene and want to find someone i can call my wife . ill keep ya'll updated on how things turn out as i learn the art of comprimise and trust... to those scrolling through these message boards. this is a first hand experience in the transition of the random dating of a young person, to finding the person they know they can settle down with.. thank you for all your input, our worlds greatest resource is those who have gone thru already what my generation is now learning.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 10:59pm

It's nice to see a guy on this board respectfully asking advice on dating a young single mom. You seem like a "keeper" to me :) I would definitely heed the advice of these ladies, it is sound advice. Give your girl the space she craves and she'll let you know when she's ready for more. As a young mother of a 14 month old, her plate is probably very full. You seem to really care about her, you are romantic and attentive. Which is something us women are always complaining about our b/f's that arent'... so don't lose that side of you.


Good luck and definitely keep us posted :0)

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