Building a LTR with a single mom
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Building a LTR with a single mom
| Tue, 04-17-2007 - 4:10pm |
I've recently started dating a 20 yr old single mom (im 23) with a 14 month old son. This experience is unlike any other relationship I've had. Right now the only problems I've encountered have occured as of late. It seems to me that the "puppy love" stage has already passed for her, as today is our 1st month anniversary. Given both of our dating histories, I felt this was a day worthy of a little celebration and bought her a dozen roses. While she appreciated the flowers she felt that I was overly excited for it being only a month. Also she is delegating less of her time to spending with me in favor of going out with old freinds and clubbing. I understand she has to have her own time to spend with out me, but it felt very sudden. The other troubling thing is its been almost a week since we've been intimate, and given her plans for the rest of the week, this could become two weeks. This early on in a relationship, I don't expect the passion to die out so quickly. I don't know if its a test she's conducting to make sure im not just dating her for the "nooky" but my past experiences with women tell me that she's losing interest. Am I just overanalyzing (as she believes) or should I be worried things are coming to a screeching halt? She says she loves me and she's not going anywhere but its difficult for me to believe that.

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Welcome to the board.
I think it's great that you've found this woman you're so fond of and can see yourself settling down with.
1st, i DO have to say you seem like a nice guy, who cares about your gf & how she feels. Thats a very good start! But ...
WHOA - slow down there buddy. Theres a LOT "wrong" in this paragraph ...
i had our mutual freind call her just to call to see how we were doing ( this freind is my ex that didnt want me to date her freind to begin with)---
Wow!
"Guess she's not as blunt as she claims to be with her feelings. Guess she's not as blunt as she claims to be with her feelings."
Or, she doesn't KNOW what she's feeling yet- she's overwhelmed and hasn't sorted out what's going on in her head.
Well, its been two days now since ive spoke to her directly. yesterday i sent her text apologizing for being so paranoid ( caused by her wanting to make plans independent of my company) and this morning i sent her text asking her out to breakfast since i had to be in her town early today. Neither text got a response. A short while ago i spoke with my "adoptive mother" ( a kind woman my moms age) and she told me as well to be respectful and supportive of her wanting space and gave me her input on the whole situation. I brought up the fact that me and my girlfreind are supposed to attend a wedding on saturday but ive yet to get my girlfriend to assist me in buying some clothes for the event and even to find out where its going to be. I need the most info i can since im planning to call out of work to attend. My adopted mom said to call her directly and ask if she still wants me to go with her but to make sure i left the option for her to go with out me if she is uncomfortable given the last few days of this situation between us. I did call her cell and it rang till the voice mail picked up and i left a message just requesting clarification of her plans this weekend and if she wanted me to come, that i'd love to go with her and that i was okay if she was uncomfortable and didnt want me to attend with her. While i was talking to my "mom" my freind who had made my "countersurveillence" call ( i know childish, but im scared of losing this girl and needed some comforting information) called me to let me know that my girlfriend had tried to call her several times at work, but when she tried to call back she only got voice mail as well.
so basically at this point im wondering how long i should let her alone ( respecting her independence) before it simply turns into her just ingoring me and turning this "lesson" into cold heartedness?
And the fact that my girlfreind called my (ex gf) freind charlotte, which she rarely does, makes me think that something truely bad is going to happen. I feel like a fool grasping at air at this point. I want her to know that ive learned to respect her independence but at the same time, how can i get her to understand that just going days with out contact is hurtful and counter productive. emotionally i feel like ive already gone thru a break up when one has yet to occur.
i may see her at work tommorow and i dont know how to act when i see her. do i put on the fasade of cheerful to see her? or do i wait until she gives me the feeling of where she stands before i act cheerful or pissy or hurt?.. im so confused right now because no woman ive ever dated has 1,got me so head over heels so soon, and 2 has never acted like this in response to me being me.. I have a history of being over protective and need the assurance of knowing where ppl are, but is it too much to know whether she is home or out with freinds? Ive lost some really close ppl in my life and i try to keep "tabs " on where the ones i care about are, becuase i worry so badly about losing them..
okay at this point im rambling.. i just hate being scared.. i almost wish i didnt care so much about her becuase then if a break up is truely in my future, the pain would be less... My curse has always been that im too senstive *in my eye
okay this just in.. my girlfreind called me back.. she went out bowling with freinds and the reason she was calling char was to find a babysitter. she let me know that she wasnt going to attend our freinds wedding but was still going to the reception at some club in the capital. i asked if she still didnt want me to go, and she said i was welcome to if i wanted. we chatted shortly ( she was outside for a smoke) and then i suggested that we finalize the plans for the weekend at work tommorow. she said goodnight with out an i love you again. so now i wonder if this is a good sign that shes coming down from this "lesson" she was teaching me and that things will improve , with me now with a respect for her independence, or if things are still heading towards a delayed bad ending.. im so confused and scared
I think I was on vacation when you first posted, so I have read along but I'm not sure if I've replied or not.
My immediate reaction, from your most recent post is a couple of things:
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Act like yourself. If you're cheerful, be cheerful. If you're pissy, be pissy. If you're hurt, be hurt. Denying your feelings to salve hers is like trying to put a bandaid on a wound that really needs stitches. It might ease the flow of blood for the moment, but soon it'll be soaked through and you'll still need stitches. The women on this board are absolutely wonderful about telling each other that we feel what we feel- but guess what- men do too. Your feelings are your own, just as hers belong to her. However she treats you isn't going to change how you feel.
Also, you can't change who you are. If you're typically protective, need lots of regular contact to feel connected, and enjoy spending lots of time with someone, there's nothing- NOTHING wrong with you. There may, however, be something wrong with your relationship. If your girlfriend is the type who doesn't want or need lots of contact, time and/or to be protected, there's nothing wrong with her either. You just may end up not being compatible.
That's what the earliest stages of a relationship are- figuring out if you should be together, figuring out if you like each other as you REALLY are. not trying to change fundamental things about yourself simply because you want to be with someone- but if the REAL you is going to work with the REAL them.
You say in your most recent post that you want to show her that you are sorry, going to be less clingy and not paranoid. If you truly ARE those things, and aren't just trying to pretend you are so she won't dump you, you won't have to TRY to show her. She'll know it because you won't be calling her, texting her, or getting other people to call her. You'll be getting on with your life, and making plans for dates and the like- not dropping everything to talk to or be with her.
It's okay for you to not be available for every little thing she wants to do. It's okay for you to not call in to work, in fact, it's downright responsible. If this relationship is meant to be, you won't feel like you're struggling just to keep it afloat- it will flow easily and naturally.
You'll be happy, and your girlfriend will be happy, and neither of you will have to feel like it's work just to be together.
Since you really seem to like her, I hope it all works out for you, however my honest opinion is that given your posts, I would say this is a case of two very different people trying to fit square pegs into round holes.
Keep us posted...
Moody, dispensing advice like Pez tonight
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okay heres the newest update. me and her spoke a bit when i saw her work. i felt somewhat better becuase she returned my wink and smiled a bit when our eyes did meet. We spoke of whats been happening these last few days and it was pretty much what every one suggest.. too much fast and she wants to slow it down. when i had to leave she gave me a hug but no kiss or I love you. i asked her if she was uncomfortable saying it now and she told me she does love me but felt its part of the too much too fast thing. This was yesterday. She was having her sister (whos having a pregnancy scare) come over that night so i knew i wouldnt see her but she did give me a good night call. Today she was supposed to let me know if were are going to the after party of our freinds wedding. Ive been out of work for 2 hours and still no word. As i left work i tried her cell and left a message to let me know about tonights plans, if they were changing (given her sisters situation) and wanted to know if she'd be up for alternate plans with me. *its been almost a week since we seen each other outside of work*. A few minutes ago i tried her home phone and again only got an answering machine.
Now is it too "demanding" of me to simply know whether plans we made are changing? Ive done a good job this week of not being clingy or pushy. But now im at the point where im feeling ignored. Relationships are two way streets, so when does it change to giving her independence to giving up on my own desires. I've got feelings too and this impossible to reach her thing, being on only her schedule seems like a one way street.
I had a very long talk about myself and about her with my freinds husband of 4 years. he's a no nonse kind of guy and understands people more than anyone i know. He only had a small amount of information about me and my girlfreinds situation but he was able to hit alot of points on the nail. He explained alot to me about myself and what he's seen changed in me and what i need to do if i want this relationship to work. I have so much i need to discuss with my girlfreind but this is like i cant get the time of day from her. I'm having my doubts on wether this is a situation where i need to comprimise and talk things out with this girl, or wether this is just turning out to be some kind of recovery fling for her now that she's finally feeling free from her son's abusive father.
I'm growing as a person, this past week ive had a lot of things i didnt realize about me , come to light, some bad but not all. But im hitting the point where im wondering if this relationship is a turning point in my life or just another bad one from the start..
My liver hates me and this has been a rough week for it.
Hi outlaw,
From all that you have said, I fear you do not have the reciprocation you require for a relationship. I think she is just not that into you the way you are with her. It could be the too much too fast too soon thing just brought all that to the top of the water.
I think the more you push, the more she is going to push you away - that is my hunch. Because when a girl really wants to be with a guy she turns heaven and earth upside down for that.
You made the comment - what I can do if I really want this relationship to work - and that unfortunately is one we all grapple with. There is nothing YOU can do to MAKE it work - it is a dance of two who both want to dance and that is what makes it work.
At any rate, I wish you luck that I am wrong. I would love to be wrong on this. I think that you will start to see this and after a bit come to grips with it when she doesn't want to spend time with you.
We have enjoyed this thread and all wish we had such a nice guy as you. Please don't think it is about you - it is about her. You, like everyone else here, really deserves to find someone who will love you back.
Keep us posted, okay?
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