Building a LTR with a single mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2007
Building a LTR with a single mom
42
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 4:10pm
I've recently started dating a 20 yr old single mom (im 23) with a 14 month old son. This experience is unlike any other relationship I've had. Right now the only problems I've encountered have occured as of late. It seems to me that the "puppy love" stage has already passed for her, as today is our 1st month anniversary. Given both of our dating histories, I felt this was a day worthy of a little celebration and bought her a dozen roses. While she appreciated the flowers she felt that I was overly excited for it being only a month. Also she is delegating less of her time to spending with me in favor of going out with old freinds and clubbing. I understand she has to have her own time to spend with out me, but it felt very sudden. The other troubling thing is its been almost a week since we've been intimate, and given her plans for the rest of the week, this could become two weeks. This early on in a relationship, I don't expect the passion to die out so quickly. I don't know if its a test she's conducting to make sure im not just dating her for the "nooky" but my past experiences with women tell me that she's losing interest. Am I just overanalyzing (as she believes) or should I be worried things are coming to a screeching halt? She says she loves me and she's not going anywhere but its difficult for me to believe that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 8:07pm

This has been such an interesting thread.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 8:12pm

I just wanted to add...


Everyone wants a date/lover/spouse who has a full life on their own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 8:22pm
The toddler analogy is perhaps one of the most brilliant ideas you have typed yet, Soonee! OMG - if that doesn't hit home with all of us moms, nothing will. GOOD POINT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 8:29pm

Ok, so I am new to the single mom side of life but there are a couple of thoughts I had here.

In your last post you said she was just coming out of an abusive relationship with her childs father...I would think that that in itself would cause you to realize that she may need some space and some time to heal. We are all healing from relationships gone bad, and some of us require more time than others based on what the breakup circumstances were.

It seems that both of you are insecure and really need some time for learning who you are before you can really truly give to another person. I think you can still be in a relationship and do just that, but slowing it down like you are trying will help a lot.

Personally, I grew up in an abusive situation and had to learn to be strong at an early age. I definitely did not want to be in a relationship with someone who I felt needed me to be the strong one...I wanted someone to be strong for me, with me. That when life got tough he wouldnt fall apart. Not saying thats what she is feeling, but the thought occurred to me while reading the thread so thought I would share it.

After being married now for 14 years to a man who could not give to me emotionally the way that I needed to be (well, he doesnt give to anyone emotionally), I have realized that is a very important characteristic I will look for in the next relationship. If she is not able to give to you that way, and that is what you really need in a relationship, then you will always feel incomplete...and no one deserves that.

And these things that you learned about yourself that you need to work on, can you not work on them yourself, without having to share it all with her? That would, I think, make her feel like you are pushing the relationship. Wouldnt it be more awsome to make these changes and let her notice for herself what a great guy you are becoming?! And if she wants to get the intimate details of all the changes then she will ask, and you will know she is taking the relationship to a deeper level. The friendship to a deeper level. It is so much more important to have a good friendship to build upon...believe me that was one of my mistakes entering my marriage.

Also, I dont know what the other women here would think, but when I am looking ahead to a time when I can begin dating, I think I will not only have to view the person as a potential mate, but also a potential father. That in itself would create the need to take things slowly. I am having to make relationship decisions that not only affect me, but also my 4 children. Your girl has to be concerned not only about herself but her child as well, and maybe that is also pushing her to be more cautious.

There is always hope that you guys can work things out, but dont think it has to be fast and just enjoy getting to know one another, enjoy how the relationship develops, there is never any rush. A great relationship is worth stopping to smell the roses I woould say.

Chin up!! I hope tomorrow is a better day for you guys!

--tj

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 8:32pm

OK...WELL...maybe more than a couple of thoughts...LOL!!!

--tj

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 8:38pm

Yes I do think you absolutely have to think of a mate as a potential father when you have children. Even if they already have an official active father in their life, the very least that your SO does is play the role of an important mentor.

BUT if you find a kind man that is into you, he will likely fill this role. And if he does not he probably has enough red flags to make him not good for you anyway.

I always like to think of my son as one more reason to not screw up the next time around!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2007
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 11:16pm

Thank you all again for being so responsive. About 40 minutes after i last posted she texted me to let me know she was at our freind kat's place ( it was kats wedding today) and that i could come over. Her reaction in my presence was "warm" but still distant in my opionin. For example, when we were on the porch with all the guests she would have "oppurtinities" to move away from me. That bothered me more so becuase im not a very social person and im uncomfortable around groups of people so i stay near the ones i do. When i expressed my uncomfortabilty with her about repeatedly moving away she told me " to not act like she was doing it on purpose" Now given this was technically a wedding celebration i made sure to be on my best behaviour i could, although after a while the wedding girl kat, did notice something was bothering me and we spoke a bit about it. Kat basically agreed with the TMTFTS logic and assured me she's feels that my girlfreind is very into me but was a bit startled by my description of how the past few days have been .

I did have two small windows to talk to her on a serious level, but i couldnt get into much since the focus had to be on the celebration. We did agree that some talking needs to be done soon and that tommorow after i get out work is a better time to do it. Finally when we were leaving , after we kissed, i said to her "you dont have to say it back, but i love you" to which she did reciprocate. That made me feel alot better.

Anyways to sum it up, i feel that things are looking up but the need to communicate our mutual needs is definitely at the highest. This whole relationship now feels incredibly wierd (different) in the fact that ive never felt such a strong desire to really look at myself, to really open up communication. Not to mention that i still get butterflies when i know i get to see her.

So tonight i'll be going to bed a bit happier albeit still feeling like im sitting on a fence.

Thank you all, and its been my pleasure to give you all a look inside the head of (far too emotional for my own tastes) man.

Goodnight , and ill let ya'll know how the talks go tommorow..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2007
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 1:37pm

okay ya'll. i think ive come to a mental crossroad. first ill give you the update of the day thus far.. I texted her to ask when she was available to talk today which went unresponded. At 1pm when i left work i called her and she picked up at the last ring. I asked her when she'd be around for us to meet and talk, she let me know she was at " her mother in laws" (is what she calls her son's granmother, her ex's side) and they were just begining to prepare lunch/dinner, she couldnt decide what to call it and that she didnt know when she'd be leaving so i asked for a ballbark guess, seeing that i live far enough away from her town that id prefer not to make multiple trips in my gas guzzler (12mpg). she repeated she had no idea. Of course the actual conversation took much longer because there was several gaps of long silence when she said nothing and i know she could tell i was exasperated ....

so here's the desicion ive come to. If she avoids this talk with me tonight, that im going to end this relationship. Not becuase i dont love her or believe that she doesnt love me. But this past week has been a mind game to me and emotionally i cant handle it. Ive given her plenty of oppurtunity to talk to me and explain to me where she stand with us as a couple, to let me know what she feels needs to be done to fix our TMTFTS problem or even to let me know if shes got other problems in her life that are just filtering down and causing this rift. This is not a healthly situation for me. I want to see this work but the emotional stress is making me physically sick. my chest hurts so bad right now it hurts to breathe. I know how i get when im stressed this way and this is only the begining of how bad i physically react to emotional distress.

Basically, im going to go take a shower, finish up some things i need to do, then im going to pack the things she has left at my places and sip my beer while i wait for her to call. I cant go thru another day of not knowing, its unfair to me. I've never been more resilent in my efforts to work thru a problem in a relationship before and its not fair that i keep being blown off, only to have to go thru another day of distress. If i end it tonight, if she doesnt want to talk, at least i can begin putting my self back together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 4:07pm

Wow; I can see that you are in genuine distress.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2007
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 4:42pm

yes it really has, but between posting that last update and taking the time to write out and think about what i feel i need to say and actually writing down what i feel my needs are have calmed me down a bit. i cant say that im still not bother that my phone isnt ringing but i cant let my self just watch the clock and tear my self up too.

You made a good point, while i have felt like this weeks has been stretched into eons, she may very well have a different sense of time compared to mine. When i did bring up with her that she went two days with out contacting me at all, she responded "it was only two days". her tone in which she said it was , i guess i could say shocked. So while 2 days may mean a lot to me, it was a drop in the bucket to her. These are exactly the points i want to discuss with her tonight, i want her to have a better understanding of me and at the same time this week has shown me ive got a long way to go to understand her.

my next post will most likely be tonight, after we have talked.. or to confirm her avoidance of the talk , possibly leading to my desicion to end this sooner rather than later.

thanks for the reply