Butterflies in stomach?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Butterflies in stomach?
7
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 6:48pm
I have been divorced for 6 months but separated for 1 1/2 years. I have only been dating in the last 6 months though. I am currently dating this guy who seems to have all the qualities I'm looking for. He's got a good job, loves my kids, does little things for me like cook unexpectingly or fix something around my house. He is totally into me and I am attracted to him as well. But I haven't fallen in love in over 10 years and I'm not sure how it feels. Do you get butterflies in your stomoch just thinking about him? Is your every thought about him? Do you get an overwelming feeling that you just can't live without him in your life? Or is all that just youthful thinking. I'm asking because I don't get any feelings like those for him. He treats my better than any man ever has in my life and I can't think of any other qualities I'm looking for in a man. But I still feel like if he was suddenly out of my life tomorrow that my life wouldn't change at all. We've been dating for 3 months and I'm not sure if I should let him go because I don't have these feelings or would I be messing up a good thing.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 11:33pm
You do sound a little removed and analytical about this man...you say you're attracted to him, but he could be gone tomorrow and it wouldn't much matter? If you were dating someone who felt that way about you, what would you think? Like they were settling? Who wants that? Was your divorce very traumatic?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:13am
I think you need to take more time for yourself and "see the forest through the trees" so to speak. Time away from a situation will tell you how you really feel.

IMHO, I feel there should initially be an attraction (yes, butterflies, too) that grows over time. The more you see the person, the better he makes you feel, the more you want to know and the more you respect him. You discover his faults and decide you CAN live with those. And visa versa. You start to imagine your life WITH him, not without.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 1:20pm
I think there should be excitement and butterflies. Often times, the first man you date after a divorce is the exact opposite of your ex. When I separated from my husband, I did that. I picked someone who was good on paper, but I didn't have a real love connection with him. After 7 months (of no butterflies), his flaws really irritated me and I couldn't stand the thought of staying with him. I left.

I was completely in love with my most recent boyfriend. The best thing I got of that relationship was confirmation that 'yes', I can love again. Yes, I can get excited about a man. Of course, he wasn't so excited about me and we split.

However, I'm confident that I can and will meet someone who will have mutual love and respect for me. If I have lukewarm feelings for a guy, I'll leave. If he has lukewarm feelings for me, I'll leave. You just have to keep looking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 4:56pm
Thanks everyone for your responses. Yes, my divorce was pretty traumatic. My ex started having an affair a few weeks before my second baby was due. He is married to her now and expecting a baby in February.

This guy is totally opposite of my husband and looks good on paper. He really is a nice guy but I just don't have that strong of feelings for him. I think everyone is right. Maybe I need more time.

Thanks everyone,

Amy
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 7:56pm
Hi and welcome!

I agree with what everyone has told you. Also, from your description of your exes' behavior, I'm wondering if you've typically gone for the bad boy types? Maybe because this man is nice to you and not treating you like crud, you aren't that attracted to him. Too many of us have been there, unfortunately.

I wouldn't necessarily cut him loose if you do enjoy his company and are attracted to him but I would take a few steps back from him and work on you a little more before you let it get any more serious. Do both of you a favor and figure out what is going on with you.

Hugs

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 8:13pm
One thing though, really look at how nice this new guy is. I tried to force myself to like my first boyfriend after my separation because I fell into the "he's so nice" trap and I should like a man who doesn't treat me like crud. But, that boyfriend had no sense of humor and he was depressed all the time. He didn't treat me badly, but his touch made my skin crawl. He smothered me to death. Then, I realized he wasn't so nice afterall. He wanted me to spend all of my free time with him and resented it when I need a moment to myself.

I bet if you examine this nice guy you're dating, you'll see that he's not that nice or perfect. You don't like him for a reason and I wouldn't second guess yourelf.

I really think that you don't even begin to feel like yourself again until at least a year after the divorce is final. You will feel better though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 8:33pm
The exact same thing happened in my marriage...but they didn't have a baby and they didn't stay together...it has to be really tough on you to coparent with him. I didn't have to deal with my own kids having to go to the OW's house and call her stepmom. OUch.