Call from Taz this morning ...
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| Fri, 01-18-2008 - 8:14am |
i am afraid things are going to rev up. Hopefully he backs off again, but i dont know. The doc told me to email that letter Averey wrote him about "Getting beder". He apparently REALLY took that as I am putting into her head that he is "sick".
This AM he called & I handed the phone to Ave to answer since i try not to speak with him. He immedietly asked for me. He said basically the following "Are you going to let me see her? I missed that appt w/ the doctor b/c i thought it was next Monday. You cant keep doing this. I have to see her. Im going crazy. I feel like Im going to explode. This isnt good for her. I dont know what this doctor thinks he's doing but he has NO RIGHT to keep her from me. I dont know what the hell my atty is doing, going along with this. If you want child support again, youre going to have to let me see her. This isnt good for her, & its not good for you or the doctor either, take that as a threat if you want, but I am getting really pissed off about this".
I just told him to call the doc or his atty, & hung up.
20 min later he called back 5X & left a VM when i never answered. He said, more calmly, "PLEASE stop telling her Im sick. Please answer, I want to talk to her".
My explanation to Averey about the "sickness" has been that the reason Daddy gets so angry easily, & says things he shouldnt, is b/c his brain doesnt always work like other peoples. If he meets with the doctor & does what he is supposed to, maybe he can get better at not being so angry. SHE takes that as "sick". Well ... in reality .. he IS sick.


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Another message where he sounds very dejected ... "please call me & tell me a time we can talk. Or meet to discuss this. Its going on way too long. I need to see her. I dont care if its w/ you, you guys can come over. I cant take not seeing her anymore. PLEASE call me & talk to me about seeing her. I didnt mean to miss the appt. No one called me to remind me & I thought it was the 18th. I cant wait so much longer to see her".
Ugh.
Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!
I think I would be having the same kinds of thoughts you are about not having enough money to do this and being emotionally exhausted on top of it. I have considered taking my ex back to court to demand child support and fix some visitation issues permanently and mostly I avoid it for the emotionally reasons ( which I am trying to work on but it is slow) and then if I ever got past those I would be immediately hampered by the financial ones.
I think in your place right now though I would be spending all my spare time looking for a way to refinance my house, get a second mortgage, somehow liquidate something so that you have a bit of savings to deal with this. You probably have already done this but if you havent, that is my advice. If you havent already searched for money everywhere within the assets and money you have, do so now. Usually there is money somewhere but you havent accessed it or it would be based on recent equity. I feel horrible even suggesting it because I know that you think as I do in that you will be having to send her to college and it doesnt look like the ex will step up at this point but you need the money now and you might just have to trust that the other money you need will come when it is needed as well.
Hang on Rebeccah. I know this is stressful - I can't imagine having that in my face and I don't know how you handle it so well at least on paper with what you write. I guess somehow your practice is making you good!! I think you are doing a good job in addition to doing the best that you can.
He can make another appt with the psych and you can go from there. Heck, the psych's office can even give him a reminder call. All I would say at this point is "I understand you want to see her, we understand you forgot and are all willing to make another appointment."
Don't give up or give in. He has to get better and get a handle on his emotions/actions and learn to do what is best for his own daughter. If he wants to see her that is good - hopefully he can transfer his desire to see her into his desire to get better so the visitation is good for your DD.
Be careful. As always!! (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
Truthfully, there is NO money, anywhere. Trust me, lol.
Thanks West. I will use your words exactly. Simple & to the point. Now i KNOW the docs office will not call to remind him. The doc is trying to make him take FULL repsonsibility ... I feel badly to an extent ... we all "forget" appointments. & men are notorious for it, plus they dont carry little calender books in their purses like we organized women, lol - BUT, if it was that important to him, he should have remembered.
I should have known as smart as your posts are that you had already been there done that.
I wish I had another suggestion but I think you might be doing everything right and just encountering road blocks for a while. Just keep loving her the way you already do and stay strong. Hopefully others will have some ideas as well...
(((Rebecca)))... even though things are getting really crazy right now it sounds like its starting to work.
"I understand you want to see her, we understand you forgot and are all willing to make another appointment."
Looking at this through Taz's clouded eyes... This puts Rebecca in the position of being able to 'grant' him another chance, and to 'forgive and forget', when her whole point is that it is not up to her.
"I think the psych's point is that he has to want it bad enough to do something about it! On his own. He has to learn how to put on his Big Boy pants, and you don't need to unzip them and hold them out for him."
I thought you were going to say unzip them and hold his pee pee for him! OMG. I must be typing too much.
That is a good point though - that he has to make the appointment and it IS out of Rebecca's hands.
I think I tend to be too helpful!! Much to my own detriment!!
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