Call from Taz this morning ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Call from Taz this morning ...
33
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 8:14am

i am afraid things are going to rev up. Hopefully he backs off again, but i dont know. The doc told me to email that letter Averey wrote him about "Getting beder". He apparently REALLY took that as I am putting into her head that he is "sick".


This AM he called & I handed the phone to Ave to answer since i try not to speak with him. He immedietly asked for me. He said basically the following "Are you going to let me see her? I missed that appt w/ the doctor b/c i thought it was next Monday. You cant keep doing this. I have to see her. Im going crazy. I feel like Im going to explode. This isnt good for her. I dont know what this doctor thinks he's doing but he has NO RIGHT to keep her from me. I dont know what the hell my atty is doing, going along with this. If you want child support again, youre going to have to let me see her. This isnt good for her, & its not good for you or the doctor either, take that as a threat if you want, but I am getting really pissed off about this".


I just told him to call the doc or his atty, & hung up.


20 min later he called back 5X & left a VM when i never answered. He said, more calmly, "PLEASE stop telling her Im sick. Please answer, I want to talk to her".


My explanation to Averey about the "sickness" has been that the reason Daddy gets so angry easily, & says things he shouldnt, is b/c his brain doesnt always work like other peoples. If he meets with the doctor & does what he is supposed to, maybe he can get better at not being so angry. SHE takes that as "sick". Well ... in reality .. he IS sick.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 11:52am
You are doing such a great job staying strong. We are all pulling for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 12:05pm

(((HUGS))) Rebecca. I have to agree with Soonee on this one. Nothing is ever Taz's fault and heaven forbid your child see his behavior as a mental illness. What, she should think his anger directed at HER is OK? My sons came to the conclusion their dad is mentally ill as a means to accept his craziness and not have it be their fault he acts stupid towards them. I didn't have to steer them that way, they are old enough to make their own decisions. Ave is still young enough to blame herself for his behavior, that she is somehow not "good enough" for Daddy. Seeing Daddy as mentally ill is both reality and the kindest way to present it to her for her sake. It allows her to love her daddy, but not his behavior.

He IS mentally ill, and it is a form of mental illness (personality disorder) that is very difficult to treat. HE has to see he is ill, and HE has to work very hard at reordering his thinking. Please, please, please, Rebecca, DO NOT talk to him. I assure you, he is trying to go around the attorney and psych because he thinks, from past experience, that you will give in.

Thankfully, in my case, the kid my X really was horrible to was the one old enough to tell the court he would not have anything to do with his father. OF COURSE, PsychoBoy blamed me, blamed the psych who represented S19 to the court, blamed my attorneys, blamed his attorneys, and then treated S19 with even more contempt. My X tried multiple times throughout our divorce and even after, to convince me he was the one wronged and I should just agree to his demands. I had the "Sucker" tattoo lasered off my butt quite a while ago. But even I have to be vigilant that I don't slip and start looking at him through rose colored glasses. He will do whatever he feels he must to get his way. Starts out nice, then gets pushy, then the nastiness and rage, then throwing things at me. Even now, I will not take a phone call from him. All communication must be written so it is documented.

Reading your post with the quote of what Taz said- it could be PsychoBoy. I really do know what you are dealing with. I spent 30 years with this stuff, believe me, Rebecca, it does you no good to treat him as you would anyone else. Always refer him back to the psych and attorney. Taz is NOT your responsibility. You are NOT responsible for his relationship with Averey. As painful as it is to see how it hurts her to not see him, all you can do is be her mom, be her safety net, be the stabile influence in her life. Seriously, my boys thanked me for "not being the cool mom". They realized they needed rules and stability. As S16 says, when he travels with me, even when things go badly, it is like a planned military action compared to the chaos of traveling with his dad. Averey will appreciate it, too.

QueenBun

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 1:10pm

BLAME WEST!!! lol


I sent this to him:


I understand you want to see her & i know it must be very difficult. But you completely & totally were treating her horribly. You were using her to get back at me. You were not realizing that having her as a child & being with her is a PRIVELEDGE. You took advantage of that.

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 1:33pm

Sending you hugs and good energy in dealing with this Rebecca.


I wonder if that email/message isn't what you have already told him time and time again before and that you are getting sucked into an endless exchange that really

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 2:12pm

I've been following your story for a while now. I've voiced concerns previously (such as--the Psychologist holding visitation will not hold up in court without an order).....


Do NOT email him anymore. The first

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 3:21pm

Yeah, youre right. Whats done is done.


I just felt the need (stupid) to explain IN BLACK & WHITE ... again ... that Averey has come to the decision herself on his "sickness" based on how things are explained to her about him. In reality, he never did hear what i have said to her ABOUT him & his "illness". I did want that air cleared & expected to tell him in the meeting that he never showed for. & to remind him that no I will not talk with him about it (based on his request this morning to "call to make a time to meet or call"). I know most of this goes NOwhere, but in some aspects, when i put this out there - like i have a few times in the past 3-4 motnhs, he does back off & stop calling, eing, texting, etc. I guess I was hoping for that reprieve this time, w/ this email.


Im not TOO worried abotu the court order thing b/c i have all the back up of the psyc AND X's atty agreeing.


I also wont go to court w/o an atty. Theres too much at stake. The pscy & I did actually talk about that the other day & decided together that although that IS an option, i cant chance it. If his atty turns (which he likely will in court) into the bull dog he can be, I do NOT want to not be protected.


Thanks. ZIP. Hands Down. Phone on silent!

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Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 3:23pm
Thanks Mark. Yes, it is somewhat repetetive of things he has heard b4. The only difference which was what compelled me to answer was that he just saw the note from Averey about "getting beder" & he has never heard what explanation she had been given. But, whats done is done i suppose. Thanks

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Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 3:26pm
Where is your ex going to get the money for attorney fees? I mean, he claimed he couldn't buy her a Christmas present and he's not paying you child support. WTH?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 3:39pm
That is a good point. But I do remember one thing Rebeccah - you may want to try to get this mess ironed out in court before you have to make him that big payout coming up. I know you will deduct the back child support from it - but you surely don't want him to use it to fight you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 4:48pm

Wow, West.