Can I pick your brains ladies?
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 03-03-2008 - 8:58am |
Ok, In an effort to better see how I am viewed by the oppossite sex, I am wanting your honest opinions on these situations/questions.
I have been told these past statements in the past year when trying OLD (which to this moment is effective in weeding out different ideals of what I want, but has not been very effective).
Background - I have been divorced since 2006, my son is 2 years old. I am 31 years old. I have self esteem issues and I am working on these on a daily basis. My question is to better make myself a whole person BEFORE I try to date again I want to ask the ladies on this board for help!
Situation/Question #1 - I have been told that I seek the bad/negative out in every situation - this from men that when I point out that I am not being treated very nicely or that they are playing games - I get the old you are being negative. How is a proactive way for me to deal with these type of situations? I am just talking to the people at this point/went out for 1-2 dates. Pretty much one man in particular, he wants to date but will never make the first move...I say he is playing games and he gets defensive and says I am being negative! WTH! Don't get it, I don't have time for games with people. I just figure I have a life and if he is not "grown up" enough to ask me out, this is stupid!
Sorry for my rambling...just don't get it! Confusing situation that I have to pull myself away from!
Christy
Mommy to ds 2 yrs old (weird to not say xx months old!)

Pages
Welcome to the board! My Mom was and is a very negative person. I had to work really hard so that I wouldn't be the same way. I used to be very defensive and always looked at the worse case scenerio.
There is a difference between being a realist and being a negative person and it can be a fine line sometimes.
Now based on the little bit you have posted I will say this. If a man wants to ask you out then he will and nothing will stop him. Telling him that he is playing games will probably make him run the other way. Even if he is or was interested.
As far as telling someone you are not being treated right then you are the only one who can come to that conclusion. If you are having problems with various people in your life that say you are being negative, try to take a step back and look at yourself and how you view others.
Stick around because the ladies here are a great support and have lots of good advice!
Stephanie
Edited 3/3/2008 10:22 am ET by texas_mom1991
The thing is when you are a single parent, there is less energy to go around for game playing or people just generally beating around the bush. "Tell me what you want and need and I will figure out if I can give it to you" is something I feel like answering my phone with on certain days. Not very warm and cuddly for sure. Not all days are this bad but when you are dealing with people who havent earned the privilege of your time and energy yet, asking for them to be clear and take the initiative isnt unreasonable. I would never give of myself to someone who wasnt willing to take the risk of asking me out, going out on a bit of a limb and making plans for us to spend time together. It should be, to me, a sign or respect for your time and energy as well as an acknowledgement that you have a little person ( if not more than one) who you are completely responsible for heart and soul on a 24/7 basis. Single people without children may be able to dabble more into the game playing I guess. I dont mind things that go slowly and even when there is an element of someone wooing you a bit but even then the intentions are clear and steady from the beginning in my experience.
Anyone who tried to date me and told me I was being negative when I couldnt deal with waffling on their part would be nexted so fast their head would spin!!!
Glad you bumped this one back up - I read it and somehow forgot to answer!!
"My question is to better make myself a whole person BEFORE I try to date again I want to ask the ladies on this board for help!"
Just try to find a lot of fun things to do - projects around the house, new things to learn, books to read. And try to find activities that can broaden your social life and base of friends.
With regards to the date situation - if he is not asking you out, so what? Move on! The positive is that you are not sitting around waiting on him- you are ready to meet someone who is into you. Remember you cannot control others, only yourself!
I like using the Marshall Rosenberg Non-Violent Communication model (www.cnvc.org) where instead of judging or evaluating, you first come out with observation and then give your feelings about that, ex. When I hear you say… I feel…
Thanks for your acknowledgment of my tips and link.
Hi Momma, welcome to the board!
"this from men that when I point out that I am not being treated very nicely or that they are playing games "
Well, I have met this guy before 2x, we have not seen each other for about 10 months. We felt we were moving too fast due to becoming intimate too fast in to relationship. He stated that he felt awkward after being intimate and I felt the same way. He works as a firefighter on 1 day, off 2. We very rarely have a day off on the same days, if we do I don't have a sitter for my son,etc. We agreed to try again and take it slow. When I mentioned if we would set a date for next 2 weeks, he said that he didn't have the money right now. I understand being financially strapped, I suggested "free" non threatening date alternatives - taking a walk in pretty area downtown,etc.
He has stated that I pull away, his definition (me not calling him everyday,etc.) I am not trying to play hard to get, I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, His job keeps him busy and my son/career/my home keep me busy.
I would like to get out on a occassion. I don't believe we used each for sex, as some may read in to this. He felt weird, like I did that we should have not moved so fast.
I can only sum this "relationship" up as time tells all. As long as I am living my life and making good choices for myself/my son. I am doing what I feel is best, by just seeing how each day comes with this guy and if it happens it does,if not - well I am not going to curl up and die.
I just feel like if he really wanted to date me, make an effort!
Christy
Pages