Can it Get Any Worse?
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| Wed, 11-30-2005 - 2:33pm |
Boy, I haven't had too much time lately to get onto the board, but when I do, unfortunately it's usually with bad news and I need support. I can't believe I'm going to write this, but I'm hoping someone out there can relate to this any maybe say something that could possibly make me feel better.
As some of you might know, my BF and I recently broke up. He was cheating on me, dating, and sleeping with me and someone else for 3 months, but I didn't know about it until he got caught. So, end of relationship, although he said he wanted to see us both, and he still "always wanted to be my friend". Well, I have to admit, he's not an easy guy to forget, and although I never lowered my standards to take him back again, I often thought about him. He called me at work on my 40th birthday, and that kind of triggered some old feelings I had for him. It's been 4 months now, but it hasn't always been easy. In fact, after he called me on my birthday, I wondered to myself, "when am I ever going to get over this guy". Well, that happened last night. I saw a side to him that I never saw, and I do not like. I can defintely say I will no longer wonder "what if". That chapter is forever closed. Unfortunately, it had to take something bad to happen to realize what an unbelieve jerk he really is.
This just happened last night, so I am still reeling from the news. I made a doctor's appointment last night because I knew something was not right. In a nutshell, just from an exam and my symptoms, and without lab verification, my doctor is 99% sure he gave me an STD -- not the fatal kind (thank God), just the kind that doesn't go away. And I'm not sure what's harder for me to deal with -- that news in and of itself, or how my ex handled it when I called to tell him. I wish everyone could hear how mean he was to me. Of course, he denies it was him, and said it has to be from me. For the last year and a half I have been intimate only with him, even during our 1st break up and since this last break up. There has been no one else. And although he does not want to admit it, he cannot say the same thing. I was tested in the past, and came up clean.
I guess I lacked finesse, but I was really angry and upset last night. And I chose to call at that time becuase if I waited a few days or another week, I know myself, I would have chickened out or softened up to the point where I would have conviced myself that it was ok -- he had that effect on me. So, I needed to get up the courage when I was angry. I laid it out for him, told him my history (which he already knew) and told him that I had "symptoms" one other time, around the time I had my cryosurgery. My doctor said it probably was not a big deal but if it occurred again to call him. I started showing symptoms this past weekend, so I called yesterday. I never had any symptoms with any other man. I was married for 10 years and dated only 2 men besides this guy in the 8 years that I have been divorced. Anyway, there is no doubt in my mind where it came from. However, ex doesn't see it that way. He was mean, insulting, arrogant and cold. He refused to believe me. He said, "I'm going to hang up now but I want your doctor to call me". Fine. I am so angry I could spit.
The worst part of this whole thing for me is that he's gone, and I'm left to pick up the pieces of another failed relationship, and then deal with an added "bonus" that is never going away and will affect my future relationships. I am absolutely sick about it. I am very jaded and hurt.
The ONLY good thing to come out of all this is that I FINALLY see him for the liar and cheat that he really is and I know now from how he treated me last night that I could never speak to him again, much less be his friend. Unfortunately, I always learn my lessons the hard way, and I have learned a lot from this. My sister always told me that I was too trusting, and now I believe her. I trusted him and I got burned, in a big way. I think it will be hard for me to trust so easily again.
The people who have been on the board a while know that I suffer from depression. And because of that, I don't take bad news very well. The first 24 hours is the worst. I cry and blame myself and beat myself up worse than anyone else ever could. I did that last night and this morning. I feel like a jerk, a fool, a leper, a loser, you name it -- I feel it. I ran through the "should haves" a million times. Yes, I should have been more careful; yes, I should have not trusted so much. But when you are in love, sometimes your judgment is clouded.
There's a fine line between wearing your heart on your sleeve and being a block of ice -- and it's not always easy to walk in the middle of that line. I'm very thankful that I found out now so that I can keep my high libido in check and no one else gets hurt. My love life has started to heat up a bit -- I have a date next weekend with that single dad that I have been friends with for a while but never could get together with (I'm thinking of canceling); and I have been e-mailing and exchanging phone messages with a guy from E-Harmony; and he wants to set up a meeting. I have been told by my best friend, the only person that I have confided in, that I can't shut myself away from everyone. I know that, it's just that things seem to have taken on a different light for me now. I know I can't judge someone new by someone else's mistakes, but I just can't trust right now -- period -- and something just doesn't feel right.
I'm not really sure what I want anyone to say. I know I messed up -- big this time -- but it's over and done with and I can't change it, so I have to learn to live with it. I've been through worse things than this -- I'll make it, some kind of way.
Donna

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My first BF after my divorce cheated on me too. It is such a sickening feeling. I know I am lucky to have not caught an STD. I have a very close friend with one. I have also had to deal with depression a couple of times.
Have you considered maybe going to counseling? I found that it helped me so much. Sometimes we are just too embroiled in our problems/struggles to think clearly and rationally. It helps to have that professional guidance.
No, you can't shut yourself off from everybody, but this may not be a good time to start a relationship. You need to take some time for yourself. Hang in there!
Stephanie
Stephanie:
Thanks for your support. I do go to counseling; every other Monday; but I have had conflicts the past couple of weeks, and I haven't been there in about a month. I now have a permanent conflict with Monday night (Cub Scouts) so I have to see what I can do. I also take Paxil for my depression, and it works great. Like I said, the first 24 hours are my worst. I cried all night and the next day when I found out about my ex cheating on me, but after that one day of laying around the house, I was ok. Back 4 years ago when my BF of 2 years cheated on me with my little sister and ended up marrying her, I was so depressed I was close to suicidal. But back then I wasn't on medication, and I did not go to counseling. I've come a long way in 5 years. Being in a depression like that -- the only way I can describe it is that you are in a black hole and you can't get out (you probably know the feeling). And I have vowed to myself that I would never be in that black hole again. I come close to the edge of the hole sometimes, but I will never be as bad as I was before.
Right now I have to deal with my anger and my "I hate everyone" attitude. Jeff is a real good friend of mine. He's a single dad and we have been to lunch a couple of times because he works near me. We talk on the phone a couple of times a week, and we always talked about actually going out some evening, we just could not coordinate our visitation schedules. Well, it happens to work out for next Saturday. I suppose an evening out wouldn't hurt. I don't want a relationship right now (especially until I get my head on straight with this new development). I just know he wants to be more than friends, and I can't do that right now. Guess I'll just have to find the right time and tell him that. He's such a good friend; I don't want to ruin that.
Donna
Hi Donna,
I am sad for you about this update. I know that this new update opens many wounds for you from the past.
At least you can see him for what he really is and now you can move on. I don't think you should take his reaction personally - he is obviously not a mature person and was just freaking out and passing blame. But the reality is that he has this too!!
Like you said, this will keep your libido in check - and maybe that is a good thing. The libido tends to get us in too much trouble in the beginning.
At any rate, I don't think you should cancel your date with Jeff. I remember you mentioning him and I think you should just go real slow and see what happens.
Lots of people have to live with STDs and they make good drugs to help manage them. Talk to your doctor and visit some online sites to get a better grip and see what others are doing to manage them in their lives.
Keep us posted.
HUGE ((((((((HUGS))))))))))
Donna,
(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
Good to see you, even if the news isn't "good".
Hugs Hugs Hugs!
I know you're going through a tough ordeal right now. But you sound like a very strong, determined person. You've overcame a lot in the past and just know that you can overcome/deal with this as well.
A VERY VERY VERY close relative of mine has HPV. She was diagnosed with this probably about 14 years ago. She too confronted her (cheating) partner, who happened to be her husband, and he flew off the handle. He completely denied giving her anything and all the while knowing that he did. They're divorced now and she is remarried. Her new husband knows all about it and is very understanding. She is on medication that supresses the symptoms and she hasn't had any outbreaks in years. She had a rough time with it in the beginning, which is very normal, but she managed, and her life is wonderful. All I'm trying to say is that even though this is terribly hard for you, just know that there are medications that will help and you WILL get through this. You can lead a normal life, just use safety precausions in the future. I agree that your councelor will be able to offer you advise on how to tell future partners that you will be in a relationship with.
As for your battle with depression, I too suffer. I am on prozac and welbutrin, and it does wonders! I can tell when I don't take my medication - my mood alters and I feel like I'm looking into that huge black hole! I commend you for being so strong! Even through all this stress, hurt, and heartache you seem so stong - that is so praise-worthy!
Keep your head high and know that it will all eventually be bearable and okay. It may take some time, but you can do it!
Best of luck with everything and tons and tons of hugs!
Good luck on the date with the single dad - you deserve to go out, relax, and just have fun!
Kait
Kait:
Thanks for the support. The story about your relative made me feel a lot better. She got through it and even got remarried. I guess if I ever do find Mr. Right, he will understand, or he won't be "Mr. Right".
I was just wondering, if you know, how did she get through all the emotional stuff. I'm struggling with that right now. I was still trying to get my ex out of my system, and I was doing pretty good, and then this happened, and like West said, it drudged up a lot of emotions and feelings for me. It's like I will always have a constant reminder of the jerk! I would be interested to know how your relative dealt with everything in the beginning.
Not sure if the depression is trying to take hold or just trying to deal with all this right now, but today, I feel like just going away from everyone and going into a cave for a while. But, I can't do that, because I have a job and two kids, so that's not possible. I just have this unexplainable urge to want to hide. I also feel a change in myself, right away, when I don't take my medication, so I try hard not to skip it. I don't like myself (or anything) when I am not on medication.
I definitely feel I need some time to get used to this and figure out how it live with it. I know millions of people do it everyday, so I guess I just have to join the ranks. I keep trying to tell myself that I have been through worse, and I can make it. Everyone here on the board gives me a lot more credit than I give myself. Thanks.
Donna
Just to be forthright, my relative happens to be my mom. I remember times when I would find her crying and very upset. My mom and I have a very close, open, and honest relationship and she let me know what was going on. My dad was a very horrible, abusive person, so in respect, I basically knew what was happening in our home.
My mom didn't find out that she had HPV for a while b/c she didn't have any symptoms of the virus. So, it's a good thing that you found out early and are seeking treatment. When left untreated this particular virus can cause cervical cancer, which my mother received as not knowing about the virus for a while. She went through a radical hysterectomy when I was in the 6th grade. It was a very hard time for all of us, especially her. My dad was very callous and didn't really care. He knew that he had given her this STD b/c of his cheating ways and didn't seem to even have one inkling of care about him. I think that hurt her a lot more than she let on.
However, she lives a full and wonderful life. She had a hard time after her surgery, and she had to have some small in-patient "surgeries" to freeze off some of the "signs" that can appear with this type of STD. However, she hasn't had any symptoms in at least 10 years. She takes some type of medication that supresses the virus and has a special type of cream that if any "signs" do happen to show up, then she can use this and it will get rid of it/them.
At first she was very very very upset. But she talked with a counselor and family. She too suffers from bouts of depression, so that didn't really help her, but she knew that she had to stay on her anti-depressants. Each day was a little better than the last, and now she doesn't really even think about it. Her new husband is a wonderful man. He knows all about it and all about how my father was and is, and he doesn't hold her accountable or even blame her. It wasn't her fault, and it's not yours. You just have to take it one day at a time, and I promis that each new day will be a little better than the last.
I would recommend talking to your counselor about it and your doctor as well. You are on the right path and will eventually have controll over this. While this is probably very hard for you, just know that it doesn't have to run your life, and it won't ruin it, trust me. My mom went through tons of ups and downs, and part of that has to do with how emotional she is anyway. It was a hard blow, just as it is for you. But she's happy now, has a wonderful life, a wonderful husband, and people who love her. You have people who love you and will support you, and everything else will fall into place. Like I said, it's just a day to day process. Time will heal your heart and ease the anger and hurt that you feel. - And it's okay to be angry and to feel hurt, you're entitled to that. What this man did to you was wrong, but at least you know now - we all learn from the mistakes we make.
All you have to do is "keep on keeping on." It maybe hard at first, but you can do it - you've handled a lot in the past, you can handle this. Your doctor will be able to get this virus under control and you will be able to lead the full life you've always led.
Don't forget to take your meds, b/c you don't want to fall into that dark pit of depression. Once we're there, it's so hard to get back into the light of day. I understand how you feel about just wanting to run away - that's normal too. But take hold of this, look it in the eye, and overcome it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and soon you will see it too, if you don't already. You're strong, your resiliant, and determined. I'm not minimizing this by any means, but just look at it as a minor set back that you WILL overcome. When you're feeling bad, come post here, talk to family and friends, go see your counselor and doctor, pray, anything but feel like you've done something wrong. You loved person, you trusted him, and he's the one in the wrong, not you - you didn't nothing wrong.
You're in my thoughts and prayers - lots of hugs and best of luck!
Kait
Kait:
What an awesome response! Thank you for sharing such a personal story with me. Stories like that give me hope that I will lead a normal life, and maybe even get lucky enough to find the right person and get married again. It's wonderful that you and your mom had such a close relationship that she could share that with you.
You said "when I feel bad, come post here". I'd like to just blow off a little steam and vent for a minute. I know I will get the medical side of this under control once I talk to my doctor and do a little research on the subject. It's the emotional side that I'm not so sure about. I keep hearing my ex's nasty voice echoing in my head and it's making me nuts. And I know behind my back he is talking about me like a dog -- because he is convinced this is all my fault. I can just hear all the nasty things he is telling his girlfriend about me. And I know I am being wrongly judged. When my exboyfriend took of with my sister, for months I walked around wanting everyone to know the truth of what really happened, but eventually I knew that was never going to happen, and I learned to let it go and not worry about it. I know my ex will never believe me. I just feel the need to explain; to justify. I know I don't have to, but I want to. And I know I shouldn't care what he thinks, but right now I still do. My ex knew what kind of person I was from day one. I've never dated or slept with more than one person at one time, ever, and he knew that. But I'm sure that's not what he is telling is new girlfriend. He probably has me made out like a real tramp. I'll admit, I like sex -- alot -- but I'm very shy; so I usually only get really comfortable when I'm in a relationship for a while and I feel like I can trust that person. Then my true sensuous side comes out. And that is what really is bugging me and has me down -- the whole trust issue. This man knows everything about me -- inside and out. I told him things and shared things that no one else knows and I did things with him that I never did before. Now, I'm yesterday's garbage. This isn't the first time someone has cheated on me; my ex-husband did; my first bf after my divorce married my sister; so I'm not new to it. It just seems to get worse with every time. Instead of getting easier to handle, it seems to get harder. Right this moment, I trust no man -- anyone. I feel like building the tallest wall around myself and hiding myself away so that I'll never get hurt again. The feeling of betrayal is overwhelming. I trusted him soooo much. I mean it was bad when I found out he was cheating, but it just seems 100 times worse now that I know he gave me an STD. Yes, I was duped, but in a big way this time. And I guess I'm not so good at telling when a man is sincere or full of BS, so, right now, my brain tells me to avoid men altogether and you won't have to worry about it. Of course, logically, that's not possible or good for me either. I'm so confused right now -- that's why I'm so depressed. And that's why I don't feel like myself. And that's why I don't feel like dating anyone right now. I don't even know who I am right now and what the heck I'm doing. It's only been a couple of days and this blow really stings. I really need some time to get over this. I don't mind admitting here that I'm weak and scared and unsure of myself and my future. I just really think the betrayal is worse for me with this man because we were very close and very intimate, in a sexual and emotional way -- more so than I was with my exhusband or any other man. So, this is pretty shattering for me. And just when I thought I was getting him out of my life, he's back in it with this news. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to be that comfortable with someone again -- revealing all my innermost secrets, etc. That makes you too vulnerable to get hurt. An
See why I'm teetering on the edge of that black hole -- and I'm praying to God I can stay out of it. My counselor is going to call me tonight so we can talk. Thanks for listening. I really needed to get this all off my chest.
Donna
Donna, I feel for you, I really do. My heart goes out to you, and so do my prayers.
I understand the feeling of betrayal. You trusted him, you loved him, you believed him, and it turns out that he wasn't a prince, he was just a frog. But I wouldn't count all men out at this point. It's okay to be cautious...even more so now after dealing with this jerk, but there are men out there who are honest, truthful, caring, and loving.
As for him talking about you....just shrug your shoulders and say WHO CARES!!! I know that's easier said than done, but is he really worth it? Sooner or later his new girlfriend is going to know him for what he really is. She'll eventually find out for herself that he was lying to her too. And I truly don't think that he really thinks this is your fault. You say that you did things with him and told him things that you had never done or said before, and he knows that, he really does. Whether he tells you anything or lets on in any way to you, he knows what he's done. It's just easier for him to blame you than it is for him to take responsibility for his own careless actions. He's a coward and he's not going to take ownership of what he's done. He might, just might, feel bad, but he's not going to let you know that. Why? It's easier to blame you...and he's taking the easy way out. Forget him girl...you're too good of a person to worry about what some jerk is saying behind your back. When it comes right down to it, your true friends and loved ones aren't going to believe a word he says anyway.
You'll recover from this, you'll learn from this, you'll even learn from him, and you'll come out of this stronger than ever - believe me. I feel for you, I really do. I know this hard, but keep your head high - you can do it! Talk to your counselor, relax, try to get your mind off of it for a while, and just try and be happy!
Lots of Hugs,
Kait
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