Can it Get Any Worse?
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| Wed, 11-30-2005 - 2:33pm |
Boy, I haven't had too much time lately to get onto the board, but when I do, unfortunately it's usually with bad news and I need support. I can't believe I'm going to write this, but I'm hoping someone out there can relate to this any maybe say something that could possibly make me feel better.
As some of you might know, my BF and I recently broke up. He was cheating on me, dating, and sleeping with me and someone else for 3 months, but I didn't know about it until he got caught. So, end of relationship, although he said he wanted to see us both, and he still "always wanted to be my friend". Well, I have to admit, he's not an easy guy to forget, and although I never lowered my standards to take him back again, I often thought about him. He called me at work on my 40th birthday, and that kind of triggered some old feelings I had for him. It's been 4 months now, but it hasn't always been easy. In fact, after he called me on my birthday, I wondered to myself, "when am I ever going to get over this guy". Well, that happened last night. I saw a side to him that I never saw, and I do not like. I can defintely say I will no longer wonder "what if". That chapter is forever closed. Unfortunately, it had to take something bad to happen to realize what an unbelieve jerk he really is.
This just happened last night, so I am still reeling from the news. I made a doctor's appointment last night because I knew something was not right. In a nutshell, just from an exam and my symptoms, and without lab verification, my doctor is 99% sure he gave me an STD -- not the fatal kind (thank God), just the kind that doesn't go away. And I'm not sure what's harder for me to deal with -- that news in and of itself, or how my ex handled it when I called to tell him. I wish everyone could hear how mean he was to me. Of course, he denies it was him, and said it has to be from me. For the last year and a half I have been intimate only with him, even during our 1st break up and since this last break up. There has been no one else. And although he does not want to admit it, he cannot say the same thing. I was tested in the past, and came up clean.
I guess I lacked finesse, but I was really angry and upset last night. And I chose to call at that time becuase if I waited a few days or another week, I know myself, I would have chickened out or softened up to the point where I would have conviced myself that it was ok -- he had that effect on me. So, I needed to get up the courage when I was angry. I laid it out for him, told him my history (which he already knew) and told him that I had "symptoms" one other time, around the time I had my cryosurgery. My doctor said it probably was not a big deal but if it occurred again to call him. I started showing symptoms this past weekend, so I called yesterday. I never had any symptoms with any other man. I was married for 10 years and dated only 2 men besides this guy in the 8 years that I have been divorced. Anyway, there is no doubt in my mind where it came from. However, ex doesn't see it that way. He was mean, insulting, arrogant and cold. He refused to believe me. He said, "I'm going to hang up now but I want your doctor to call me". Fine. I am so angry I could spit.
The worst part of this whole thing for me is that he's gone, and I'm left to pick up the pieces of another failed relationship, and then deal with an added "bonus" that is never going away and will affect my future relationships. I am absolutely sick about it. I am very jaded and hurt.
The ONLY good thing to come out of all this is that I FINALLY see him for the liar and cheat that he really is and I know now from how he treated me last night that I could never speak to him again, much less be his friend. Unfortunately, I always learn my lessons the hard way, and I have learned a lot from this. My sister always told me that I was too trusting, and now I believe her. I trusted him and I got burned, in a big way. I think it will be hard for me to trust so easily again.
The people who have been on the board a while know that I suffer from depression. And because of that, I don't take bad news very well. The first 24 hours is the worst. I cry and blame myself and beat myself up worse than anyone else ever could. I did that last night and this morning. I feel like a jerk, a fool, a leper, a loser, you name it -- I feel it. I ran through the "should haves" a million times. Yes, I should have been more careful; yes, I should have not trusted so much. But when you are in love, sometimes your judgment is clouded.
There's a fine line between wearing your heart on your sleeve and being a block of ice -- and it's not always easy to walk in the middle of that line. I'm very thankful that I found out now so that I can keep my high libido in check and no one else gets hurt. My love life has started to heat up a bit -- I have a date next weekend with that single dad that I have been friends with for a while but never could get together with (I'm thinking of canceling); and I have been e-mailing and exchanging phone messages with a guy from E-Harmony; and he wants to set up a meeting. I have been told by my best friend, the only person that I have confided in, that I can't shut myself away from everyone. I know that, it's just that things seem to have taken on a different light for me now. I know I can't judge someone new by someone else's mistakes, but I just can't trust right now -- period -- and something just doesn't feel right.
I'm not really sure what I want anyone to say. I know I messed up -- big this time -- but it's over and done with and I can't change it, so I have to learn to live with it. I've been through worse things than this -- I'll make it, some kind of way.
Donna

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Dear Donna,
A good friend of mine went through this about 8-9 years ago.
Hi
I'm new to this board so bear with me.
I just wanted to give you a cyber hug.
A few things I was taught growing up " courage is what a woman has when all reputation has gone". Re him slagging you off - I've learned over the past couple of years that God really does dole out his own punishments ! My ex told the world our son wasn't his and I've watched him fall in love with his son after refusing to see him for over the 1st year of his life. It hurts him now he doesn't have his surname etc but he has to remeber all this was through his own choices and actions no one elses.
Also he left me to for a "better life" that just hasn't materialised for him - so many unconneceted things have gone wrong for him that I do believe a little divine intervention must have taken place - NO_ONE is naturally that unlucky lol!
I suspect that with the fullness of time your ex will find the same happens to him. The cosmos just doesn't allow good people to be treated like S**** without it being punished "god deals his own hand" is summatt we were all taught as kids and it's true.
Look after yourself hun by eating properly, sleeping well and enjoying your kids and rest assured he'll get what's coming to him. Let him say what he likes - YOU know what sort of person you are and so do your kids and at the end of the day that is ALL that counts.
Go to lunch with your friend and enjoy the company of someone who cares about you as more than a convenient way of servicing his own needs.
We are here for you hun. I had to go for tests at 7 months pg so empathise with what you are going through, (Thankfully they cam up clean so my son was born just fine) but it gave me some insight nto how you must be feeling right now.
take your meds and look after yourself - for the sake of your kids even if right now you feel too low to make yourself the priority you deserve to be.
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