Can someone give me a reason WHY??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Can someone give me a reason WHY??
7
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 6:29pm

Hello, eventhough I don't write here much, I am here every day unnoticed reading your posts, I enjoyed them very much, most of you girls are very smart and I learn from you, thanks!

I was just wondering if any of you know the reason why, why, why ... when I finally find a good man that treats me like I was wishing for a long time, attention, commitment, gifts, anything that I desire, the man is there to please me and make me happy, I tend to feel smothered, or a little bored or worried that I don't feel as much, that I may hurt the man, even feel a little under pressure to reciprocate??? and why I always find some flaw or another on the poor guy eventhough, he's been great to me and I tend not to feel the same strong emotions he's feeling?

Could it be that I am so used to being badly treated by the jerks that I've been with, men that have hurt me by acting disinterested, cocky, distant, not worthy of my love, call me only to bed me, etc.. Is there something wrong with this picture?

I am saying this because I just met a very nice guy online, I've seen him 4 times, last weekend and this weekend. All of these meetings have been very fun, at his initiative, he's been planning every date and that's something I like in a man. Every time we ended the date, he was planning the next and he just seems to be smitten by me, and I find it a little bit overwhealming, he opens the door for me, gives me his coat if I am cold, he asks constantly if I am ok, if I am having fun, the last time he brought me red roses and a bottle of a fine red wine. He's very respectful, wants to meet my children and spend more time with me, he thinks the time we have spent is not enough. These are things that I've been looking for a long time in a man, but now all of a sudden I feel a little unsure of how I feel eventhough I have felt chills down my spine when I'm close to him and kiss. I was wondering if this could be a good sign that something meaningful will develop overtime?

With this new guy, we haven't even talked about sleeping together at all, but I want to confess that I am seeing someone else (a FWB) kind of thing that I've been hoping converts into a LTR. This is a guy I've known for a year and he came back into my life a few months ago. I've only slept with him once in the last month, we don't see each other every weekend, however, it was during these last two weeks that I met this new guy. My FWB wants to see me this weekend, I really like this guy, since I've known him for a longer time than the new. But I am confused as to how to conduct myself, continue with my life with my FWB (hoping for a relationship) while continue to know the new guy, or cut him off since all he wants is to have fun and concentrate on the new guy?

I just want to share what's going on with my life, for any of you who might be interested, I'll appreciate a line.
Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 9:15pm

Well, if you have feelings for the FWB, this will take up the emotional parking spot in your heart and you will probably not be able to like anyone else that comes along.

I have spent a lot of time on these boards and have yet to see a story where a FWB converts to an LTR. There are no absolutes, so that is not to say you can't, but you have to accept it for what it is unless you find out otherwise.

Date both casually, with no sex. Cut off the FWB no matter what because that situation is not good for YOU if you want an LTR. Find out what they both want and then make your decision.

I think I would be inclined to tell the FWB that you have a date this weekend and then see what he does!! :-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 11:47pm

Karina,


Welcome to the board.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 12:09pm

Thanks Judy, it always help to have an outside point of view.

Yes, unfortunately, I have feelings for the FWB, altough I've been dating constantly, I have not yet found anyone that makes me feel like he does. I get butterflies just thinking about him and very flustered just talking about him. I've been very hopeful that he will realize that I am the best thing that happened to him and try to be as good and fun as I can be for him. But, he has told me before that right now he does not want a relationship, he wants to date around and that is the reason why I am still dating and meeting new people. Then I met this new guy that wants a commitment and I feel a little smoothered by him. As of today, he called me and told me he wants to see me tonite because he has "something" for me. He wants to shower me with gifts and I am not used to it. I want an LTR and my hopes keep going back to my FWB, but at the same time I also wish to find someone that could make me leave him and have a total commitment to me. However, at the same time, I wish to continue with the FWB (casually) just as he's doing it and keep seeing this new guy.

Isn't this crazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 1:23pm

The FWB guy is renting space in your head. I got a male's perspective on FWB's. I had a conversation with my SO about this. He said a FWB thing does not turn into a LTR. A guy will have sex with a woman as long as she's making herself available, but he will keep his options open and jump at the chance to date any other woman who comes along. Any other woman who is not so readily available.

I think you should cut off the FWB thing and make decisions without that guy in the picture.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:21pm

Karina,


When a man says, "I don't want a relationship right now..." he's really meaning "I don' t want a relationship with YOU."


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 12:54pm
Thanks Alison, I have to drill it to my head, I know, the good news is that I've only slept with him one time all this time, so the attachment is not that strong on my side. We dated last year for about 6 mos. and then we grew apart and he started looking for me again, four months ago. and of course, I want him to appreciate me, I would have to stop and ask him to date me properly. It is very hard though, he's been the only guy I have feelings for right now and the flirting every day (thru email) is unbelievable, he was inviting me over to sleep at his house next week. I haven't seen him in almost three weeks, next week will be a month. He lives far from me, I have kids, he has kids, so it makes it hard to meet during the week. This is not dating, this is just f**k buddies, it's hard to digest and accept... But I really thank you for your opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 12:15am

Of course he's going to be all flirty with you and ask you to come sleep there, that's all he wants from you.


Be strong and end it.


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