Can someone help

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Can someone help
4
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 6:09pm
How and where do you find a guy? We are racking our brains at work and just can't come up with anywhere in my town. I've tried the internet sites and no luck but there has got to be a place to go. I now just wanted to date after being single for 4 years and I have no idea. All my friends are my co workers and they are just kids. My oldest one tells me that all the guys worth having my age are already married and that I should forget about it. But then again she is getting ready to leave hers. I'm just bored with my life as it is. I can do this on my own but I miss having someone there or something to do. I'd like a date. Just one for now. I don't think I'll meet the perfect man ASAP but I'd like to at least have plans for a night that didn't include my kids. Does this make me a bad mom? My mom tells me I'm blessed with two kids and that should be all I need but that comes from a woman who has been married for 31 years to a great guy. I just want something more is that wrong? Can I have that? I hate going to my mom's house. I love my mom and dad and think they are the most wonderful people I've ever met but it is just a shining example of what I might not ever have and that is hard to take sometimes. Do I make any sense? Where can I find a date? I dated when I was younger but I don't want to date in that age group anymore and not sure where to find a guy my age. Can someone help me. Does anyone know how I feel? Help.>Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 7:24pm

Hi there and welcome!!

Yes - I totally know how you feel!! I can relate to everything you said in your post. I do want a 2nd chance with a man who enriches my life and loves me.

I have gone through internet dating with no luck (can't bear to do that now) and many nights alone. I have been divorced for 5 years and "dateless" for the past 2.5 years.

I decided to take control of my life and make it so good, happy and fun that I don't mind being alone so much - this is not because I want to be alone - but because I feel this is my best chance for being happy until I meet the right person and also to attract the right man. I realize that I have to make me happy.

I think that if you are doing all of the things you love, and being the best person you can be (inside and outside) that you will just bump into him. Sure, when we all get older the trollies come along a little less frequently than when we were young. But have faith! There are plenty of single guys out there. You just have to find the right one.

It might be a good idea to develop interests in sports - play adult softball, go to sporting events, watch a game in a sports bar, go to a gym, ride a bike, etc. That is where you can find them. I recently took up going to a pub on Saturday mornings with a group of friends to watch rugby - it is a whole lot of fun. And there are lots of guys there.

Do you have any other interests of your own?

Here are some recent tips and posts on "getting back out there"

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=8313.1&ctx=128

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 7:58pm

Hi Jo!

Oh, yes, I know exactly how you feel! I was married for 10 years, and dating now is a whole different world than when I was 21. I tried online, got one great relationship and about a dozen "You ain't gonna believe this..." stories out of it. I have been asking other people how they met someone. Several have met at church. That's great, but I go to a small church. The men my age are all married, but my aunt thinks I should date that nice man who sits two rows in front of her, whose grandson looks just like him. LOL Worl may be a great place for some people, but in my line of work the single men tend to be 70+ years old and in poor health. (my boss keeps trying to point out the benefits of that) You can try some cultural events, even if it is a different culture. My boss is Greek, and I recently went to a dinner and dance sponsored by the Greek church. Even though I didn't meet anyone, I had a wonderful time, and who knows, the next they have one I might meet someone. You can check with your local library to see if they have any special interest groups that meet or have community workshops coming up. Or maybe a "non-credit" course at your local community college like how to do your own taxes or CPR/First Aid at the Y or Red Cross.(most medical professionals are require to update their certificates every year/two years.) Lowe's and Home Depot have free home improvement and decorating ideas classes on weekends. You can volunteer for charitable organizations or political groups. One thing about single men our age, they have free time on their hands and are mature enough to have a social conscience, so they volunteer. One of my best friends met his wife at the gym. I have been a little intimidated to take that route, but I am seriously considering it. The best piece of advice I can give you (of course this and 99c will buy you a small Frosty at Wendy's, so take it for what it's worth) is to stop looking so hard. So many people have told me that they met the love of their life when they really weren't looking for anyone, that they were just doing their thing, happy in who and what they were, and out of the blue, someone crossed their path they just had to talk to, or just had to talk to them.

Let us know how it's going. Believe me, most of us on this board are in the same boat.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 10:41pm

Do what you like doing. You like going to the beach? Go there often! Take sailing lessons, or surfing, or kayaking. Join a gym or the Y. Museums? Free concerts in the park? Help out at the local homeless center, or read to kids at school. Join a chess club, or see an art movie, or go watch the softball game at a park nearby. (some really cute guys play softball these days!)

The point is, if you're doing what you enjoy, you win either way. Even if you don't meet anyone, you're having fun. You may even be working out or helping others or learning something along the way. And if you DO meet someone, well you have a pretty good head-start, in that he's likely to be someone who likes the same sort of things that you do & shares at least some of your interests.

So get out there & have fun! You'll be that much more attractive with a smile on your face!

- L.

ps: oh, yeah - and wanting to have plans for a night that don't include your kids doesn't make you a bad mom, it makes you a Normal Person! And actually doing it will make you a Happier Mom. And like the t-shirts say, "If Mom ain't happy, ain't Nobody happy!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 10:20am

Your story sounds like mine. I work with a bunch of kids and the friends my age are all married and they didn't know any single people either.

I had one friend suggest to me that I forget men in my age range and go for a much older man. Like in his 50's and I'm only 34.

I just stopped looking (in a way). I got busy and made a new girlfriend who was my age, but single. I participated in social club activities and I looked on internet dating sites. I found a guy that I could have known in my real life because I recognized him from town and commuting on the train together. I contacted him and we've been together ever since and he's not an old man (just 7 years older than me).

I think I was so happy about the other activities going on and I wasn't really looking seriously and my guy was attracted to me because of that. It's true. You find a relationship when you aren't looking for one or racking your brains trying to find one.